First story published today

[PixelZombie]

My first story on Literotica was published today - "Caught Stealing" is a non-consensual tale of a girl who is punished by store security when she's caught shoplifting. Please take a look:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=501562

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Nice story

I enjoyed this one. It was well done, especially for a first time effort. There were a few problems, mostly grammar and punctuation. I will supplement with a more detailed analysis later this afternoon. But overall, a very good story.

 

[PixelZombie]

Thank you for the feedback - I wasn't successful in finding an editor prior to submission, so if you are interested...

 

[Bewboc]

Nice one, I have just read it and thoroughly enjoyed it. may be one day I'll have the confidence to post a submission, Can't wait for the next one

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Your story is very well-written. I congratulate you on your effort and your achievement. The few problems I noticed in the story were all in the area of what I call mechanical errors; that is, relating to grammar and punctuation. They were minor distractions, however, and did not detract from my enjoyment of the story.

Your story has a definite beginning, middle, and end. This may seem like an obvious comment, but many stories posted here lack one or two of these elements. You do a good job of telling us who your character is, and what she is all about. Also, you do not throw all of these details at us in one parenthetical sentence, but sprinkle them throughout the story. That is a nice touch that is often overlooked.

Some of your secondary characters could have used a little more development, but you told us just enough about them that we have an idea of who they are.

There is a lot of sex in this relatively short story, but it is described in a convincing and interesting manner. What you do well is tell an actual (although brief) story around the sex. There is context, and there are events that lead up to the actual sex. It is not a random gang bang that happens for no apparent reason. Most importantly, your character is changed by what happens to her.

Now, for a few negatives. Some of your paragraphs are a little clumsy. For example, your opening paragraph, reads:

She felt a large hand on her arm, pulling her away from the cosmetics counter. A baritone voice from behind said, "Come with me, miss." The security guard's massive, well-defined biceps bulged as he pulled her away from the group of ladies gathered around the counter. Her body jerked like a rag doll, forcing her to drop the bottle of perfume she was holding. The sound of glass perfume bottle shattering pierced the air as she was whisked away. The women gathered at the counter looked on, wide-eyed in disbelief at the site of the frightened woman being led away.

This may have been more effective like this:

“Come with me, miss,” a baritone voice boomed, just as a large hand grasped her arm.

The security guard's massive, well-defined biceps bulged as he pulled her away from the group of ladies gathered around the counter. Her body jerked like a rag doll, causing her to drop the bottle of perfume she was holding. The sound of shattering glass pierced the air. The other customers looked on in wide-eyed disbelief as the frightened woman was whisked away.

In my opinion, this is a cleaner, more effective opening. Other examples of paragraphs in need of work are found throughout your story.

As you have already recognized, you are in need of an editor. I am not qualified to provide that service for you, as I am still a relatively new writer on this site and not yet fully conversant with all of the rules applicable to writing short fiction. I have been writing professionally for over twenty years, but my area of expertise is very specific and subject to its own rules and practices, few of which are relevant here. I generally offer my opinions in this forum on elements of style, plot, and character development. Your story stands on its own merits in these areas.

I know that it can be difficult to find an editor, but there are many here who will work with you. Whether you find one or not, keep writing. You are already on the right track.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

one more thing

I really liked the way you ended the story. It is complete, and works well as stand-alone story. But it also leaves room for aan additional chapter, or for an unrelated story using the same character.

 

[PixelZombie]

Thank you for the feedback! It's clear you put some time into this and I really appreciate your effort. I will redouble my effort in finding an editor for my next submission which I just finished.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

P-Z, congrats on your post, they say the first time is the most scary - in all senses.

Before glancing at your Bio, I guessed the chromosome imbalance. A vagina is even cleverer than a condom in that it not only expands to accommodate the invader but the uterus retracts. Sorry for the anatomy but penises don't pound at a cervix and, if they did, the woman would have serious discomfort. Just a bit of background for writing female POV.

Yes, other comments are right that you have a deal of grammar, spelling and punctuation issues but they are easy to resolve.

I had a bit of a giggle at this;

She felt his monstrous head start to part her lips.

Her pussy burned as his head entered her.

What we see in our readers' heads is not always what appears on paper and, for me, this lost the erotic tension.

I thought your story lost its way when you had serial security guards fucking her without any development of the story or interplay between the guards. To my mind, she gets caught shoplifting, there is a standoff with the security guard that leads to her offering sex to escape prosecution and she later reflects how much she enjoyed it. There was a bit of a sag in the middle - don't go there!

Your story is pretty good. I offer the comments because I think, with getting over your nervousness and learning a bit, you will be great.

Despite how you write, this is a male POV - I've no probs with that, I quite like it - but it would have much more effective if you'd stayed in her head.

 

[soflabbwlvr]

Thank you for the feedback! It's clear you put some time into this and I really appreciate your effort. I will redouble my effort in finding an editor for my next submission which I just finished.

you are quite welcome

 

[PixelZombie]

Hi Elfin,

I have to respectfully disagree on some of the anatomy points (based on personal experience) but do agree that "bottoming out" can be painful (in a good or bad way) for a woman However, I do appreciate the feedback. What did you feel was sagging in the middle regarding interaction between the guards? What kind of plot or character development would you have liked to have seen?

 

[FoxieLady]

Congrats!

Congratulations for posting your first story. I found it written quite well for not having an editor and it being your first piece. I am looking forward to more of your writing and wondering what will be your next category. Keep it up and know that it will become easier with time.


FL

 

[elfin_odalisque]

P_Z, thanks for the nice reply.

First, the physical. To me, "bottoming-out" suggests a lover who pays no attention to foreplay or a rapist. Neither suggests that the woman would enjoy it and it sort of mars my excitement of a 'non-consent' story. Lit doesn't allow links in the forums so I give you two quotes;

Virtually every man forgets that it doesn't matter how long or how short your penis is, because the vagina will accommodate itself to any length.

•The vagina of a woman who hasn't had a child is only 7.5cm (3 inches) long when she's not sexually excited. The figures for women who have had babies are only slightly different.

•Even when aroused, a woman's vagina usually extends only to a length of about 10cm (4 inches).

This means any man's penis will fill her vagina completely, unless you happen to be one of those rare guys with an erect penile length of less than four inches.

You're probably now wondering how the average man with an erection of six inches manages to insert his penis into the vagina at all.

The vagina has the most remarkable capacity for lengthening if something is introduced into it gradually.

So the exceptional man whose erect penis is eight inches long can still make love to any woman, providing he excites her properly and introduces his organ very slowly. If he does this, her vagina will lengthen by 150 or 200 per cent to accommodate him.

The famous sex researchers Masters and Johnson have concluded that size of the male penis can have no true physiological effect on female sexual satisfaction. They base this conclusion on their physiological studies that show that the vagina adapts to fit the size of the penis. Because of this vaginal adaptation, they refer to the vagina as a potential space rather than an actual space.

If you want the URLs, PM me; or just Google them.

Soflab made a good point about secondary characters. Your dynamic is between the girl and Hank, the black security guard. Rather than drift off into a series of Tab A/Slot B encounters, I think you would have a better story if you kept more focussed on the Hank-girl relationship and relegated the gangbang activities to something Hank directed and she grew to respect him for - wanting him. That's what I meant about a sag.

Since I've gone on too long, can I make a final point about dialogue - which soflab said.

Convention has it that every new speaker starts a new paragraph. Also, I think that dialogue tags, if neccessary, should be minimal, "I, he, she said".

"Call Tom and tell him the price of that," the security guard commanded over his shoulder to the sales girl working the cosmetics counter.

"Gladly," the girl at the counter called out to him with a catty grin. Then to the customers gathered around the counter: "It's ok, he's just taking out the trash."

This is too wordy. Why not try.
"
"Call Tom and tell him the price of that," said the guard .[shouldn't it be 'and ask Tom']?

"Gladly," the counter girl replied before announcing to the customers, "It's ok, he's just taking out the trash."

You tend to use dialogue tags to tell a story, which diminishes the effect of the tight dialogue.

The only reason for being critical is that I think you write well.