First story posted

[Xplorer2000]

I just posted the first part of a two part story. It involves a resourceful wife getting her husband out of a DUI in the first part and developes into group sex involving male-male-female sex in the second.

I'm looking for feedback from anyone who enjoys this type of story. Please post in the comments section for the story.

http://www.literotica.com/s/honky-tonk-ch-01

 

[hylas_]

Hey there! I'm not the most experienced writer myself, but here's my opinion, for what it's worth.

I like-not-love the story. I like the length. The story is easy to follow.

I like that the sexual part was observed from a distance, from the inside of a car. I think it makes it a little different.

I like your style, which is direct and unpretentious. I think it's almost a little too dry, though. I wonder if there is a way to write the sexual parts in a slightly more "steamy" way without losing the directness.

In the second paragraph, you switch from past to present for no reason.

"The whole time Shelly was beaming a big smile while giving him a show of her 36C tits"
Perhaps it's just me, but I found the use of the word "tits" a little out-of-nowhere, given that the language so far had been rather tame. What about:
"The whole time Shelly was beaming a big smile while giving him a show of her 36C's"

"he ordered her firmly but politely with a slight southern drawl"
I think it would make more sense to mention his accent the first time he speaks. As written now, it's almost as if the Officer suddenly develops a drawl halfway through the conversation.

After the sex scene, I would have liked it if you had clarified that Shelly had enjoyed the encounter (she did, right?). As written, it's not entirly clear. This could also be the story of a grossly inappropriate officer abusing his power and coercing an impoverished woman into doing something she really doesn't want to. I get the impression that that wasn't what you were going for here, but it's not entirely clear.

Then, Shelly is apologetic ("You're not mad are you?"), which makes no sense to me. Shouldn't the narrator be the one apologizing? He was drunk, after all, and she got him out of his mess. It would make more sense to me if he apologized to her ("I'm so sorry you had to do that!"), and she replied that she didn't mind and, in fact, enjoyed it.

The last paragraph is clumsy and reads more like a brainstorming sessions for future story ideas. I think the story (or chapter) comes to a natural end a paragraph earlier.

Hope you find some of my thoughts helpful!

 

[Xplorer2000]

Thank you Hylas

You made some very good points that I will use in the future. The last paragraph was actually a setup for the second part of the story. In retrospect, I would have published them at the same time which would explain certain things better and make it more cohesive.

I appreciate the feedback.