First Story Posted

[ur_mick]

Hi All

My first story has just been posted and I (as well as my GF) are very excited. I will admit right off the bat it may not be perfect. We have been enjoying my stories for some time and like everything well why not share.

I would appreciate any feedback and criticism you may have. The only way I can improve is to be made aware of my shortcomings.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=467558

Thanks in advance

Mick

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Hi Mick and congrats on taking the plunge and posting.

First, I find your paragraphs a bit long for the net. With backlit, rolling screens, our eyes can't take more than about six lines (or less) of text.

What you write here is not a story, not really a vignette, but something more suited to the forum sections like The Lounge.

Second person and present tense are usually very difficult to handle in fiction writing. Stories are usually in the past tense and 'you' means you are talking to the reader and, simplistically, perhaps I'm a guy.

There is no story here. I can enjoy a stroke tale, but it needs some interplay between characters that have personality and use more dialogue to develop the relationship.

Personally, I feel you would do better to use third person POV and put yourself as an onlooker rather than writing sexplay chat. Give us emotions.

Also make more use of locations, the taxi, sure, but also the restaurant ambience.

None of us know that this South Yarra eatery serves some of the best food in Australia and you need an Amex Gold Card, at least, if you approach the 'bubble bar' for fizz. Use the setting to contrast the luxury and restraint with the hedonistic couple in the story.

Stand back and write your next story aiming to get the reader to associate with the characters and put them in the action.

 

[sr71plt]

This story isn't in second person, it's in slightly corrupted first person (and mostly first person, as a matter of fact):

for example:

How good was the new Myer building now it is finished," you mention as the waiter arrives with another cocktail. I notice his eyes trying to see down your top, you do to and smile and thank him.

"Yeah it is heaps better now although the menswear is still a little crappy." I answer into my cocktail. "God you're looking beautiful Babe, I Love You."

There's no inner perspective in second person that I saw. None of what I saw in the story in is in the "you" head. I only ran five paragraphs into it, and no where were we in the "you" head--it was all from the "I" perspective even though some second person identifiers were thrown in.

 

[ur_mick]

sr71pit, elfin_odalisque and the person that sent me a PM (sorry I did read it at work then hit the wrong button damn fat fingers and iPhones)

Thanks heaps for the feedback and looking back over the story and my others you are quite correct. I originally wrote it and others for Bella and I and then thought why the hell not.

I have started to do a re-edit and yes it reads better. By moving away from POV it also widens the audience appeal I guess, which is why we write.

The feedback you provided is greatly appreciated and I hope you all enjoy The Botanical Part 1 redux.

Once again thanks heaps.

Mick

 

[geronimo_appleby]

the opening is confusing from the off.

Having just arrived for dinner at The Botanical for dinner

also, it isn't much of a hook. there was nothing there that made me want to read on.

the characters, to me, were flat. no 'character' at all. i had no hint of their personality, or their individual quirks.

it seems to me like you rushed it to get it 'out there'.

i mean these points in a positive way, btw, just observations - and merely personal ones at that.

overall, you use punc. and grammar well and your paragraphs and sentences vary in length and constructed pretty well.

i'm no expert, so feel free to ignore any of the above.

write another one - and then keep writing and submitting. good luck.