First story posted

[Stepandfetchit]

Hi all! My first story has been posted. Any feedback, and suggestions would be appreciated.

Thanks




http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=119530

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I think there were some formatting problems in the story. That’s not uncommon for Literotica, and you’ve got to be really careful with how you set your story up when you submit. A lot of formatting disappears or is changed. It’s best to be very, very basic. There are a souple of asterisks which appear to have been intended as section separators but were instead incorporated into the text. (When I have to separate sections, I just use 3 “~” marks. Other people use ‘#’ marks. There’s some combination of asterisks that Lit interprets to mean something else, so you’ve got to be careful with them)

Anyhow: This is a story within a story: always tricky, and in this case the internal story is a monologue. In terms of formatting her monologue, you’ve got a few choices: you could precede every paragraph with quotation marks, which gets tedious. You could put the entire internal story in italics, which in my opinion makes it hard to read. Or, you could blatantly just say something like “This was her confession:” and then use a separator.

But so much for formatting.

This story has a surprise ending, which is pretty clever, and that’s okay. But in my opinion the story should still work on its own, without the punchline, and this didn’t do it for me. The bulk of the story is taken up with a woman’s confession to a priest of a quick and sleazy pick-up affair, recounted of course in first person. My problem was that I found her story to be flat and not especially arousing at all. There’s a lot of erotic potential in what goes on in a confessional: a man and a woman thinly disguised from one another: one sworn to chastity, the other committed to telling her most sinful secrets, but that eroticism isn’t exploited at all. The woman’s story comes across like a truck driver telling a dirty joke, and in fact, the woman has no qualms about using truck-driver language, even telling the priest that her lover said: "Here I come, bitch! Oh yeah! Fucking Yeah!!!"

In light of what happens at the end, she’s obviously trying to arouse the priest with her story. I can’t help thinking this would better have been done by having her tell the tale as if she were a shy and normally modest little housewife, at least on the outside, while she recounted her tale of depraved sex, of the sinful but sensuous pleasures she’d experienced.

But that’s just my opinion. It’s a good story, with a very nice and clever twist. For a first submission especially, I think it’s pretty good.

---dr.M.

 

[Stepandfetchit]

Thanks for taking the time to respond, and offer suggestions.

I’ve resubmitted the story. I think I’ve fixed the formatting problems. I changed a few words, here and there, and I extended the ending a bit. I also moved it to the category of ‘Erotic Couplings’.

Again, thanks a lot!