first story posted

[LeathrNLace]

Hello all! My first story was just posted, and I toss it into the ring for review and feedback...it's called "Masters Plan". Thanks

 

[LeathrNLace]

story site

ooopsss...forgot to say the story is under the BDSM catagory and right now is also featured on the "new stories" page. I am not sure how to get the url in here however ...(tech challenged!)

 

[Natural Born Eros]

I'm not really qualified to talk about BDSM. I don't write about it, don't read it, and don't participate in it! However, I can make it easier for other reviewers by providing a link to Master's Plan. It is relatively easy to add your own links, next time you are posting a message, click on the words vB code at the bottom left of the screen.

I hope this helps, and good luck with any future postings.

Eros

 

[kristydoll]

Hi LeathrNLace,

Congrats on posting your first story *smiles*.

I am going to break my thoughts up here - as a "stroke" bdsm story, I think you will do okay with it. The writing needs to be tightened up in many places though. An example of this would be: He adds another and pumps slow and at the same time Amanda has her soft tongue pushing inside and I want to feel more and I open and open and more of his hand moves deeper, I feel him fold in his thumb and begin the steady push, the big push, the full push, the feel of a giant huge cock inside of me, but it is really his hand and the awareness scares me and I tighten, but want to remain so open, so invaded, so full and fully dominated. There is just too many ideas happening in one sentence - and possibly a bit too much repetition of words. It's almost frantic to read.

"Get out of your clothes NOW!" and she pulls off my hardened nipple, the cold air hitting it as my breast suddenly is released.

I think if you reread this, you will find the mistake.

Now, and these thoughts here are personal, but as a bdsm story, this whole first part disturbed me. When I opened the door I was surprised to see him standing there with another woman. He smiled and pushing past me grabbed my hair and pulled me to my knees, the woman following him inside.

"Hello slut. Kiss my boots, and say hello to another toy of mine."

A stunned silence fills the room as I struggle with the surprise guest appearance of a woman he calls Amanda.

He leans down to me, pulling my face up to his. "I know you are excited when I command you, and today I will command both of you to put on a little show for your Master. At the same time, you will both be made very aware of just how far you will go to please me. After all," he pauses, his eyes holding my gaze, "you are my sluts, and I know it doesn't really matter who touches you, my toys. You are always hungry for touch, aren't you?"

I moan, then I see him glare at Amanda, a silent yet stern admonition. She immediately drops to her knees, lips to his boots, kissing, worshiping.

My heart is pounding, and I am wondering just what he has up his sleeve. He has mentioned bringing another woman with him in the past, although I thought perhaps I would be warned before he ever actually made good on threats of having several sluts serve him at once.

First off, it made me dislike him instantly - and then, the female characters somewhat. My problem was not with the "two" women, but that they somehow would not "know" about each other if both were "his". It's more too, for me, but I think it just may be how I view certain aspects.

Don't let my comments discourage you for they are only my opinions - and I know that many read bdsm stories for exactly what you have portrayed here.

kristy

 

[gauchecritic]

Hi LeathrNLace,

Congrats on posting your first story *smiles*.

I am going to break my thoughts up here - as a "stroke" bdsm story, I think you will do okay with it. The writing needs to be tightened up in many places though. An example of this would be: He adds another and pumps slow and at the same time Amanda has her soft tongue pushing inside and I want to feel more and I open and open and more of his hand moves deeper, I feel him fold in his thumb and begin the steady push, the big push, the full push, the feel of a giant huge cock inside of me, but it is really his hand and the awareness scares me and I tighten, but want to remain so open, so invaded, so full and fully dominated. There is just too many ideas happening in one sentence - and possibly a bit too much repetition of words. It's almost frantic to read.

kristy

Ditto for what Eros said about this 'genre', but seeing Kristy's message quoting your story it made me want to read, not concentrated and it wasn't my 'thing' but your writing is really very good.

The para quoted and several others of the same urgency and style are exemplary. The only thing I would take you to task about them for is their placement.

As Kirsty said they ARE almost frantic and in themselves succeed enormously. Unfortunately they spoil the rhythm of the story because of the following paragraphs.

Once again, I read your story only because of the quoted parts and though the story didn't 'do it' for me those paragraphs are tremendous.

Gauche

 

[LeathrNLace]

Thanks for your feedback, and thanks for putting in the link for my story, Natural Born Eros!! I appreciate that.

Kristydoll and Gauchecritic: I loved both your comments, and realize in reading them that when writing this I was trying to get across that feeling of being somewhat frantic, but since I usually write prose and poetry, I guess I blew off the rules!! The idea was to get across that feeling however, and I need to look at how to do that as a writer of stories!

Thanks for your assistance, and I certainly welcome your constructive comments and criticisms. It's difficult to improve one's writing if you don't write! True?

(wondering if I overthanked you, and suddenly feeling somewhat sheepish, so to speak...LOL)

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I really appreciated the way you usee sentence style and rhythm to reflect the narrator's excitement. It's really good to see someone with the nerve and the ear to start playing around with style like this, and it's something you don't see very often here, where most authors are pleased is they just get the spelling right.

I've played with stuff like this myself and I know that it's a lot more than just replacing periods with commas and making everything into one, long, run-on sentence, and i think you pulled it off pretty well.

I have to mention one thing because it's something I've been wondering about in my own writing, and that's the use of "I perceived" sentences, as in "I saw...", "I felt..." Here's an excerpt showing the start of three successive paragraphs:
-------------------
I hear him breathing in my hair, a soft groan escaping his lips as he feels my ass contracting around his hardness...

I feel myself begin to go limp, my body wet and shiny with sweat ...

I see him looking down and I note that Amanda has left my wet opening to lick his balls and tease his inner thighs with her tongue. I hear the catch in his breath as his hand begins to leave my cunt and his hips move ever so slightly, legs spreading...
---------------------------

What I wonder about is: what is gained or lost by preceding each action with "I hear", "I feel", "I see", "I note", "I hear"? The obvious purpose is to portray the narrator's subjective experiences, but doesn't it really just put another screen between us and the action? I mean, none of these things are entirely subjective. Couldn't they be written as "He breaths in my hair...", "I go limp...", "He looks down..." etc.?

It's just that I noticed myself using an awful lot of "he feels" myself when they weren't necessary, so I started watching out for them and cutting back, and I think the result is to make the action more vivid. You still have to use ethem for purely subjective phenonena "I felt my orgasm break over me..." etc. But save them for that.

Anyhow. That's the view from the desk for linguistic hairsplitting.


---dr.M.

 

[LeathrNLace]

Dr. M -

Yes, the "I perceived" thingy! Your suggestion is right on with that! I can see how it would make the story telling more vivid, and I like that....

wow, this is hard work!! LOL

I am really enjoying the comments and suggestions since my writing has mainly been just for me, so this is great.