First story posted - feedback welcome

[EveAnna]

I had my first story posted a couple of days ago.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=301579

I've never written erotica before although I have written other types of stories. I had a lot of fun with this story.

I've written it in the first perspective and I know this style has its limitations. I want to carry on this story, I know I can take my characters a lot further, but before I continue writing I wanted opinions of whether its working or not. I don't want to change my style of writing mid-story (but I will if I have to). - So feedback very much welcome.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

EveAnna

Welcome to the madhouse. We're really quite a friendly bunch here - you just have to ignore the growling at times.

I really liked your story, thanks for linking it here. I agree with your reservations about first person perspective being limited in general, but I think it works very well here to highlight the chasm of understanding between the woman and the 'presence'. If 'Rob' ever becomes more real you could consider moving to third person. That's a trick even Steven King's used to 'humanize' a character.

First a few picky things. There are a few spellcheck, punctuation and capitalization bloopers that, whilst not spoiling the flow, you would probably want to get rid of. A more thorough proofread would help.

It may just be me and others will disagree but, I like numbers in stories written in letters and not figures (unless it's the 4th floor or 5th Avenue or something like that). The police description is a bit over done and probably gives us more information than we need. Do we need dress size or exact age?

This is fiction. You can make the rollercoaster a bit more breathtaking by making the scary bits a tad more suspenseful and the sexy bits a bit more lustful.

Enough. I am not a great non-human fan but I read this avidly from start to finish and I'm dying to read more. You're a great addition to the sensitive egos here and I just know you're going to make a name for yourself.

Congrats

Elle

 

[EveAnna]

Hi Elle,

Thanks for the feedback.

I proof read my story so many times and then when I posted it, yes I found a few very obvious bloopers and then its a case of thinking how did I manage to miss them. LOL

I have got a direction in which to send my characters, but I won't bog the story down with too many unnecessary details but I hope it will be a fun roller-coaster ride.

Thank you for liking my story and for the very valuable feedback.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Hi, I agree with what Elfin said.

Here's a few tips,and believe me, I'm no expert.

Your paragraphs need some work, here's a few examples.

"You Ok Laurie?" he asked gently. It was as though he sensed something was wrong. I nodded and lifted my bum as he tugged at my panties. But I must have tensed up, I tried to stop my hands balling into fists but instead ending up clutching at the quilt cover. Then I was naked in front of him. I was fairly sure that he could see me in the darkness, I tried to cover my nakedness with my hands. Feeling more and more nervous at what was to come and not certain that I was ready. The wetness and throbbing of my pussy had more or less gone.

Your dialog should be separated from your narration.

"You Ok Laurie?" he asked gently.

It was as though he sensed something was wrong. I nodded and lifted my bum as he tugged at my panties. But I must have tensed up, I tried to stop my hands balling into fists but instead ending up clutching at the quilt cover. Then I was naked in front of him. I was fairly sure that he could see me in the darkness, I tried to cover my nakedness with my hands. Feeling more and more nervous at what was to come and not certain that I was ready. The wetness and throbbing of my pussy had more or less gone.

Another one.

He pulled me further down the bed. I had to say something. "Please be gentle, its been a while". Last thing I wanted him to do was drive into me like a piledriver, something my ex was good at. I waited, fully expecting him to position himself between my legs, but he didn't. Nerves got the better of me, I crossed my hands defensively over my chest. Oh god, I couldn't do this. Suddenly I was saying the words out loud "I can't do this, Oh God, I can't let you do this to me!".

It should be more like this.

He pulled me further down the bed. I had to say something. "Please be gentle, its been a while".

Last thing I wanted him to do was drive into me like a piledriver, something my ex was good at. I waited, fully expecting him to position himself between my legs, but he didn't. Nerves got the better of me, I crossed my hands defensively over my chest. Oh god, I couldn't do this.

Suddenly I was saying the words out loud "I can't do this, Oh God, I can't let you do this to me!". This period shouldn't be here.

Breaking your text up makes it easier for the reader, especially reading it online.

Hope this helps...and good luck with your writing.

 

[ravensfx]

Hi

I had my first story posted a couple of days ago.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=301579

I've never written erotica before although I have written other types of stories. I had a lot of fun with this story.

I've written it in the first perspective and I know this style has its limitations. I want to carry on this story, I know I can take my characters a lot further, but before I continue writing I wanted opinions of whether its working or not. I don't want to change my style of writing mid-story (but I will if I have to). - So feedback very much welcome.

"My name is Laurie, 26 years old, recently divorced, shoulder length blonde hair, 5ft6inch, average build, I fit into a size 12."

Nice work. Remove numbers. Write them out. Twenty-six not 26. 1st person is a tough nod. Nice work for a first-timer.

 

[ravensfx]

You're Good

I had my first story posted a couple of days ago.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=301579

I've never written erotica before although I have written other types of stories. I had a lot of fun with this story.

I've written it in the first perspective and I know this style has its limitations. I want to carry on this story, I know I can take my characters a lot further, but before I continue writing I wanted opinions of whether its working or not. I don't want to change my style of writing mid-story (but I will if I have to). - So feedback very much welcome.

Nice quick sentences. Nice description. Love you telling the way you feel. You should write more verbosely. A+++

 

[ravensfx]

With some work

I had my first story posted a couple of days ago.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=301579

I've never written erotica before although I have written other types of stories. I had a lot of fun with this story.

I've written it in the first perspective and I know this style has its limitations. I want to carry on this story, I know I can take my characters a lot further, but before I continue writing I wanted opinions of whether its working or not. I don't want to change my style of writing mid-story (but I will if I have to). - So feedback very much welcome.

You could become a great writer. I've read a lot of stories on here but few that told me of your potential. If you write something non-erotic, let me known.

 

[EveAnna]

Hi elfin_odalisque, drksideofthemoon, ravensfx,

I've read through all your comments and they are really welcome.

drksideofthemoon, yes I can see what you mean about breaking up the paragraphs and the dialog - it does make it a lot more readable.

I'll have to check through my Chapter Two, just when I'm happy and its finished, I find something else I want to go in.

I never dreamed writing erotica would be so much fun.

 

[alanzo]

I came across your thread and read your story, For a first attempt it had me spellbound. Well written, I hope that there is going to be a continuation?
I forgot to mention, WELCOME TO LITEROTICA!!!!!!!!!!

 

[EveAnna]

Hi Alanzo,

Thanks for your welcome.

I have just submitted Chaper Two - but I think it will be the end of the story.

I have too many ideas going round in my mind to limit them to Laurie and Rob.

 

[alanzo]

I read both parts together, very erotic and I will look out for further stories by you. Can you PM me when you write the next one as you have a fan already?

 

[Chapter 6]

Hi THere

Have read your story, I think is brilliant! there i snothing new for me to add to try and iron out the small things! your short story writing is excellant!

 

[EveAnna]

Hi Chapter 6,

Thank you for your comments. - I'm nervous at the moment though, I've still got the second part pending. I think I may have learned my lesson with my first submission - if I intend to write more than one part, then do it all in one and just chop the story down into readable shorter posts.

I'll see how the feedback goes but I'm not sure of the second part. Hopefully it will be accepted and up in a few more days.

 

[Chapter 6]

I look forward to reading it! Best of luck

 

[EveAnna]

Thanks

Just hope it gets up while I still have some nails left.

 

[Chapter 6]

am sure it will !!

How are you apart from nervous?

 

[EveAnna]

I'm excited to see how it will go and interested in seeing feedback - good and bad - then I'll know where I went wrong, and hopefully get it right for my next story.

Also I'm coming down with the flu bug

 

[Chapter 6]

I am looking forward to reading it!

I hope you feel better

 

[EveAnna]

Thanks

I'm sitting now with tea flavoured with honey.

I like your profile pic.

 

[Chapter 6]

Thank you!

with lemon that will really help you! that and a

 

[EveAnna]

I have a lemon. I'll have to try that. Thanks.

 

[Chapter 6]

a pleasure!

 

[TwistedTania]

I too just submitted my first story, and know the rollercoaster of emotions you go through . I was lucky to have someone help me alot and I am sure my story I am working on now will be alot more descriptive than they ahve been.
With that said I loved your story very much

TwistedTania

 

[EveAnna]

Hi TwistedTania,

I just read your story and I loved it - Very well done for your first.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I too just submitted my first story, and know the rollercoaster of emotions you go through . I was lucky to have someone help me alot and I am sure my story I am working on now will be alot more descriptive than they ahve been.
With that said I loved your story very much

TwistedTania

Why don't you post a link here? You'll get some fair and friendly replies and more people reading your stories.

You write well and have lots of talent, but this is too rushed. You pack so much into one page that you have our heads spinning to keep up. I think you would have done even better to explore the journey more from first husband through lover to new husband. It is just like the old Greek Odyssey and we are quite ready to go with your flow.

If you can read anything about emotion through text, you seem too tensed. Try and relax and let your story flow. You write well (personally I like numbers written in words) but have the confidence to challenge us readers.

Well done, and I'm so glad your friend encouraged you to post. Thanks for sharing.