First story - Please give me feedback

[Aryan_Auth]

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[sr71plt]

It took me a while to get around to reading this, but I kept it in mind because I've been curious about the unique qualities of a well-written South Asian story and have been looking for them here (and trying to write a few myself). This is the first one I've read that I thought was done well and showed me some distinct South Asian story qualities. It's not a story, mind you. It's a sex scene only. But I thought it was very well done and I'll look for more submissions by you.

 

[robertreams]

you need an editor!

 

[sr71plt]

Afraid I can't agree. I've edited South Asian writers, and this leaned toward American style more than most I've edited. I enjoyed that it had some regional flavor and cadence, and the grammar, punctuation, and spelling seems quite good enough for Literotica posting to me.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I thought your story was great.

Be careful in handling sr's purring. It is like the smile on the face of the tiger. He only wants your help and his uncritical comments just demonstrate that. He wants something from you.

Yes, Robert is right. You do need an editor despite your good command of English. Your paragraphs are too long for the backlit, rolling screen of Lit. About 8-10 lines is the maximum for a story paragraph. There is a temptation to let paragraphs expand without dialogue and you must control this. More dialogue is the best option.

You need to vary your vocabulary. In the first few paragraphs you use 'gaze' repetitively. Try 'glance', 'look', 'notice' etc. to change things about.

I only commented because I think you write well - especially in English - and I enjoyed your story, even though just a scene.

Good Luck.

 

[sr71plt]

Be careful in handling sr's purring. It is like the smile on the face of the tiger. He only wants your help and his uncritical comments just demonstrate that. He wants something from you.

I'm dying to know what that is.

You really are a crazy lady, elfin.

 

[sr71plt]

Incidentally, the paragraphing of the story is just fine. Only one paragraph goes above ten lines, and there's an average of, like, five lines per paragraph over the whole piece. Elfin obviously just had to find something to criticize so that she could take a dig at me.

 

[joelafayette]

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[Aryan_Auth]

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