first story, please comment!

[your_softest_touch]

http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=192335

first time i wrote anything like this. i was just wondering what people thought of it, especially since i've never had sex, so i was making some guesses.

thanks!

if you want to email me, it's your_softest_touch@yahoo.com!

 

[espeteroh]

It's very good and that comes from someone who really doesn't care for Lord of the Rings sort of stuff. Regardless, it's a very good start. Keep writing and keep posting and don't let what anyone says stop you.

 

[your_softest_touch]

thanks for your comment! i really thought that would be the one thing i'd ever want to write, but now that it's out, i'm starting to get all kinds of ideas, lol...

 

[Singularity]

Three Suggestions

I found this story hard to read and hard to maintain my focus on what the characters were doing, without getting lost in the words. I think you can do a few simple things to take some good strides forward.

I'll make three recommendations for your next litearary venture:

First, use some dialog. A story that doesn't let any of the characters speak is a lot harder to read. Dialog helps the reader get into the characters and lets them reveal more of themselves in a more natural and easy-going manner.

Second, simplify some of the sentences and ease up a bit on the descriptive adjectives. They way it is written, it comes across as pretty densely-packed with description. Breaking up the descriptive text with dialog will also help a lot. Inferring some of the description from what the characters say, versus laying it all out in descriptive text also can help.

Third, divide up the paragraphs into smaller blocks of text to give the reader some "breathing space". Long, dense paragraphs can be tiring on the eyes, especially on screen.


I think that, without a great deal of effort, your next work will be much stronger.

Good luck and have fun extending their world.



Sin.