I've posted my first story and I would welcome any feedback or comments.Writing has always been a hidden delight of mine, and it's delightful to be able to share them in this way.
Thank you!
Here it is...
First story opinions
- Thread starter MJs babe
- Start date
I've posted my first story and I would welcome any feedback or comments.Writing has always been a hidden delight of mine, and it's delightful to be able to share them in this way.
Thank you!
Here it is...
Needs more
It's commonplace for first efforts to be more in the nature of a sexual vignette than a real story. This follows that pattern.
There is almost complete absence of any character development. The male and female come off as caricatures more than characters.
Reading through this, question after question popped into my mind. Like:
Who are these people?
Where is this taking place?
Why is she there to begin with?
Why doesn't she just tell this guy to go fuck himself and leave?
Why doesn't she threaten him with legal action if she's really held against her will?
None were answered. Failing that, it didn't seem a story at all.
Structurally, there were some rough passages early on. Examples:
Dildos vibrating wildly, pulled from her sopping cunt just as she was at her brink, His low growl warning her not to release.
This isn't even a complete sentence, let alone a paragraph (which it's formatted to be).
Lost in the forbidden pleasure she didn't hear Him enter, truly didn't sense Him until He was standing directly behind her, one gleaming black boot on either side of her full hips, His arms crossed and a scowl on His handsome face as He watched her so openly disobey Him.
I could easily make 4 sentences out of that one. When a sentence runs on like that, it's just annoying to read.
"What were you doing, pet?" His voice, low and soft, contained just an indication of His pique. She lacked the strength to look up into His eyes, her body trembling. "Nothing, Master...i mean, i was just...sitting and waiting..."
When the next speaker begins, you should start a new paragraph.
You've obviously lots of sexual imagination. The story began to flow better once you got into the nuts-and-bolts of the 'action.' However, without any context into which to place that action, I got little out of it. The characters didn't seem real, rather more like play-actors. As a reader, I want to know why they do what they do; not just that they do it.
It's that 'larger story' that I'd like to see developed, plus some basic work on sentence structure and flow to avoid the distractions.
It's commonplace for first efforts to be more in the nature of a sexual vignette than a real story. This follows that pattern.
There is almost complete absence of any character development. The male and female come off as caricatures more than characters.
Reading through this, question after question popped into my mind. Like:
Who are these people?
Where is this taking place?
Why is she there to begin with?
Why doesn't she just tell this guy to go fuck himself and leave?
Why doesn't she threaten him with legal action if she's really held against her will?
None were answered. Failing that, it didn't seem a story at all.
Structurally, there were some rough passages early on. Examples:
Dildos vibrating wildly, pulled from her sopping cunt just as she was at her brink, His low growl warning her not to release.
This isn't even a complete sentence, let alone a paragraph (which it's formatted to be).
Lost in the forbidden pleasure she didn't hear Him enter, truly didn't sense Him until He was standing directly behind her, one gleaming black boot on either side of her full hips, His arms crossed and a scowl on His handsome face as He watched her so openly disobey Him.
I could easily make 4 sentences out of that one. When a sentence runs on like that, it's just annoying to read.
"What were you doing, pet?" His voice, low and soft, contained just an indication of His pique. She lacked the strength to look up into His eyes, her body trembling. "Nothing, Master...i mean, i was just...sitting and waiting..."
When the next speaker begins, you should start a new paragraph.
You've obviously lots of sexual imagination. The story began to flow better once you got into the nuts-and-bolts of the 'action.' However, without any context into which to place that action, I got little out of it. The characters didn't seem real, rather more like play-actors. As a reader, I want to know why they do what they do; not just that they do it.
It's that 'larger story' that I'd like to see developed, plus some basic work on sentence structure and flow to avoid the distractions.
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Many thanks
I appreciate your response and comments and thank you for the time you took to post them.
Actually, I meant the story to be just that - a sexual vignette - hoping it would carry itself by the actions and emotions of the characters within. I think, on some level, it does that, but I agree it could use a great deal of polish. My next submission, probably much in the same vein, will be more carefully edited, now that the first blush of submission fever has faded slightly.
Again, many, many thanks. This is the type of feedback I had hoped to recieve.
MJ's babe
I appreciate your response and comments and thank you for the time you took to post them.
Actually, I meant the story to be just that - a sexual vignette - hoping it would carry itself by the actions and emotions of the characters within. I think, on some level, it does that, but I agree it could use a great deal of polish. My next submission, probably much in the same vein, will be more carefully edited, now that the first blush of submission fever has faded slightly.
Again, many, many thanks. This is the type of feedback I had hoped to recieve.
MJ's babe
the_bragis
Really Really Experienced
- Joined
- Mar 25, 2002
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v
Hi MJ's babe,
Ordinarily I would agree with everything NCmV had to say, why?Because he writes so well himself and I respect his opinions. This time, however, I'm not so sure he's got it all right. 'sorry NC.
I don't think this piece warrants 'character development' as such. Particularly the sub, I think the total lack of description adds to her submissiveness. I don't believe knowing who she was, who he was, where they were, or anything else for that matter would have added any more excitement to this 'story'. In fact I think it could have been distracting. I'm left wondering with all kinds of questions, but that's intriguing in itself.
"And pleasuring yourself, little slut. Don't forget that one. Seems I can't leave you alone for an hour or two without you flagrantly disobeying my orders." His eyes narrowed as He looked down at His errant slave, a light shake to His head.
Woh! This to me is a strong and powerful dialog and description. Nothing else is needed here!
I can't comment about it being a 'sexual vignettte, since it's an expression I haven't heard before.
I can tell you this. Yes, there are a few little grammatical bumps along the way. And it's one of the most powerful bdsm pieces I have read in a long time.
For what my opinion is worth, I think you did extremely well, particularly for your first time.
Have a great day,
Alex(fem)
Hi MJ's babe,
Ordinarily I would agree with everything NCmV had to say, why?Because he writes so well himself and I respect his opinions. This time, however, I'm not so sure he's got it all right. 'sorry NC.
I don't think this piece warrants 'character development' as such. Particularly the sub, I think the total lack of description adds to her submissiveness. I don't believe knowing who she was, who he was, where they were, or anything else for that matter would have added any more excitement to this 'story'. In fact I think it could have been distracting. I'm left wondering with all kinds of questions, but that's intriguing in itself.
"And pleasuring yourself, little slut. Don't forget that one. Seems I can't leave you alone for an hour or two without you flagrantly disobeying my orders." His eyes narrowed as He looked down at His errant slave, a light shake to His head.
Woh! This to me is a strong and powerful dialog and description. Nothing else is needed here!
I can't comment about it being a 'sexual vignettte, since it's an expression I haven't heard before.
I can tell you this. Yes, there are a few little grammatical bumps along the way. And it's one of the most powerful bdsm pieces I have read in a long time.
For what my opinion is worth, I think you did extremely well, particularly for your first time.
Have a great day,
Alex(fem)
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Thanks! 
Alex,
Your opinion is worth a great deal - if I didn't believe that I wouldn't have asked for it.
You felt the story in the way I intended it to be felt - the anonymity of the characters was intentional. I was hoping for a one-two punch approach.
Thank you again. As I mentioned to NC, the next will have a bit more polish!
MJ's babe
Alex,
Your opinion is worth a great deal - if I didn't believe that I wouldn't have asked for it.
You felt the story in the way I intended it to be felt - the anonymity of the characters was intentional. I was hoping for a one-two punch approach.
Thank you again. As I mentioned to NC, the next will have a bit more polish!
MJ's babe
How dare you
You dare to cross me in public? And when you so easily, so thoughtlessly, flaunt your disobedience I have no choice but to teach you a strong lesson, Slut.
(Whoa. Whew. This IS intoxicating. Hmm. Maybe there's something to this after all.)
the_bragis said:
You dare to cross me in public? And when you so easily, so thoughtlessly, flaunt your disobedience I have no choice but to teach you a strong lesson, Slut.
(Whoa. Whew. This IS intoxicating. Hmm. Maybe there's something to this after all.)
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