First story now posted -- could use some feedback

[Emperor_Nero]

My first story was just posted Sunday and while feedback has been positive so far, the comments have been sparse. Looking for some pointers on what aspects of story and writing style are good and where I could use some work(I'm sure there are plenty). As a journalist, I've done plenty of writing, but this is my first trip into erotic fiction

The story is in the group sex category and is titled:

And for Dessert: Fantasy Fulfilled​

Please, tell me what you think and where I can improve.

Thanks,
Nero

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Pretty good for a first timer, Nero. You had a good idea here.

You do have a problem with wording. Part of it comes from the fact you are writing the same way you speak and part is because of the first person POV you've used in the story.

Here's an example of you writing like you speak:

"Dinner conversation kept going back to the old days and all the things we had been doing over the past several years since we had last seen each other, leaving poor Ed a little out of place. I managed to hold up my end of the conversation pretty well (I think) and tried to engage Ed in some conversation about sports and such as the two women chatted on and on. Still, my mind kept going back to everything that happened on that night over 20 years ago and made me wonder just what Julia had in mind when she said we could play some games like in the old days and maybe have a little dessert."

There are (if I counted correctly) 104 words in three sentences. Sentence one is 32 words. Sentence two is 34 words long and the final sentence is 40 words long. That's tough to read. You need to learn to make short, concise sentences. Short sentences are more readable. Long sentences tend to wear out the reader. Incidently, long paragraphs do the same thing. You have paragraphs that are quite long. Try and keep them to 6 to 8 screen lines.

Here's and example where first person POV got you in trouble:

"So I again woke up my wife and told her about the conversation. She, of course, said I just needed to ask whether it was Julia or Beth. I asked if it really mattered, as if she wouldn't go to dinner with either one. She said no, so I said we should just let them play their game and see what happens – worst case scenario being we end up having dinner with an old friend."

See what's happening here? You have an entire paragraph of "I said...she said." That's awkward. It would have been much more effective to have done this are real dialogue. Your characters are really pretty flat. There is YOU. And there is you wife who has firey red hair. There is Julie who looks like an older version of herself (?) and ED, who I don't know at all.

Learn to let your characters speak for themselves. They will tell the reader lots more about themselves than you can, give themselves depth and personality.

Finally, forget you ever heard of an ellipsis. Your very first sentence : "It started out like a lot of other Saturday afternoons ... a game on the television, my beautiful wife napping in the sun on the couch in front of the big picture window and me on the computer catching up on a few emails."

1. An ellipsis is ONLY used to denote and incomplete thought. Here you have used it to create a run-on sentence. You should have used a period, added a captial letter and a verb. I would have written - "...Saturday afternoons. There was a game on..."

2. There is never a space either before or after an ellipsis.

You used the ellipsis several times through the piece. Each time you made the same errors. Generally, they are not fatal errors. But the first sentence is the most important sentence you will ever write in a story. Make it perfect. First sentences are the break point between a clean read and a back click.

As an asside, I never use an ellipsis except in dialogue or in conversational thought. It cuts way down on the errors.

Even so, the piece was pretty darn good for a first attempt. You had a good idea, the story followed a natural flow and you did pretty well at building up to the sex. Overall, a lot better story than many I see. Keep it up, guy.
JJ

 

[starrkers]

Pretty much all of what Jenny said.

KISS works in all forms of writing Some of your pars are seriously long and that's hard on the eyes.
Good yarn though.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

Pretty good for a first timer, Nero. You had a good idea here.

You do have a problem with wording. Part of it comes from the fact you are writing the same way you speak and part is because of the first person POV you've used in the story.

Here's an example of you writing like you speak:

"Dinner conversation kept going back to the old days and all the things we had been doing over the past several years since we had last seen each other, leaving poor Ed a little out of place. I managed to hold up my end of the conversation pretty well (I think) and tried to engage Ed in some conversation about sports and such as the two women chatted on and on. Still, my mind kept going back to everything that happened on that night over 20 years ago and made me wonder just what Julia had in mind when she said we could play some games like in the old days and maybe have a little dessert."

There are (if I counted correctly) 104 words in three sentences. Sentence one is 32 words. Sentence two is 34 words long and the final sentence is 40 words long. That's tough to read. You need to learn to make short, concise sentences. Short sentences are more readable. Long sentences tend to wear out the reader. Incidently, long paragraphs do the same thing. You have paragraphs that are quite long. Try and keep them to 6 to 8 screen lines.

Here's and example where first person POV got you in trouble:

"So I again woke up my wife and told her about the conversation. She, of course, said I just needed to ask whether it was Julia or Beth. I asked if it really mattered, as if she wouldn't go to dinner with either one. She said no, so I said we should just let them play their game and see what happens – worst case scenario being we end up having dinner with an old friend."

See what's happening here? You have an entire paragraph of "I said...she said." That's awkward. It would have been much more effective to have done this are real dialogue. Your characters are really pretty flat. There is YOU. And there is you wife who has firey red hair. There is Julie who looks like an older version of herself (?) and ED, who I don't know at all.

Learn to let your characters speak for themselves. They will tell the reader lots more about themselves than you can, give themselves depth and personality.

Finally, forget you ever heard of an ellipsis. Your very first sentence : "It started out like a lot of other Saturday afternoons ... a game on the television, my beautiful wife napping in the sun on the couch in front of the big picture window and me on the computer catching up on a few emails."

1. An ellipsis is ONLY used to denote and incomplete thought. Here you have used it to create a run-on sentence. You should have used a period, added a captial letter and a verb. I would have written - "...Saturday afternoons. There was a game on..."

2. There is never a space either before or after an ellipsis.

You used the ellipsis several times through the piece. Each time you made the same errors. Generally, they are not fatal errors. But the first sentence is the most important sentence you will ever write in a story. Make it perfect. First sentences are the break point between a clean read and a back click.

As an asside, I never use an ellipsis except in dialogue or in conversational thought. It cuts way down on the errors.

Even so, the piece was pretty darn good for a first attempt. You had a good idea, the story followed a natural flow and you did pretty well at building up to the sex. Overall, a lot better story than many I see. Keep it up, guy.
JJ

Thanks so much for your comments and I will try to take them to heart in my next story. It's been quite an adjustment to writing fiction for the first time in about 15 years and I'm trying to remember all the rules and rules of thumb. The positive feedback is great though and definitely an encouragement to keep trying.

 

[Emperor_Nero]

Pretty much all of what Jenny said.

KISS works in all forms of writing Some of your pars are seriously long and that's hard on the eyes.
Good yarn though.

Thanks for the comments Starrkers and I appreciate all the help from everyone.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Thanks so much for your comments and I will try to take them to heart in my next story. It's been quite an adjustment to writing fiction for the first time in about 15 years and I'm trying to remember all the rules and rules of thumb. The positive feedback is great though and definitely an encouragement to keep trying.

Writing for the internet is very different from writing books/documents.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Jenny has already covered most of the points. Just watch some of your run on sentences, and long paragraphs. Overall, for a first attempt, it was good effort.

I hope we see more from you in the future.