First Story - NC/R

[Rakewright]

Hola.

New author, here - my first story was just approved this weekend. Give it a look, if you have the time.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=490644

That is all.

 

[PacoFear]

Rake,

Not sure why, but your link came up empty. I rummaged for your story. Here it is: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=490644

I'll swing back for it later.

G'luck,

-PF

 

[Rakewright]

Thanks, PF.

Not sure why that wasn't working - but I've fixed it.

Let me know what you think when you get around to reading it.

 

[mjl2010]

Impressions
Overall the story doesn't read badly. When I saw the lengthy paragraphs, I groaned a little. They are difficult to read when they get that long - just break them up into somewhat shorter paragraphs 6-8-10 sentences a paragraph.

Critique
The opening description of the woman is a bit like a police report. You tell us what she looks like. The rest of the story didn't do a bad job of showing us that. You could lose the opening sentences and not lose anything.

You have a tendency to use the narrators voice to speak for the characters like this excerpt I cut out...

"I'm not a motherfucker yet, bitch -- you just give me a minute and shut your fat mouth, a'ight?" Aaron's voice at her ear. Was he going to fuck her? Oh god, he was. Of course he was. Incest... Jesus. She began to kick again, harder than before.

Wouldn't it read better if that was expressed as her own thought/words? Because really, those are her thoughts, not the narrators.

"Is he going to fuck me? Oh god he is! He is. Incest... Jesus!" She began to kick harder than before.

In that same excerpt, you wrote what Aaron said, then wrote how he said it. Try reversing that, to let the reader feel and hear how it is, rather than simply read some words and then find out how they were spoken. This is another aspect of showing the reader versus telling them.

She felt Arron's hot breath on her ear as he spoke, "I'm not a motherfucker yet, bitch -- you just give me a minute and shut your fat mouth, a'ight?"

Don't forget that each time a character speaks, you should start a new paragraph.

Finally, you overuse the em dash a lot. Many places where you should have comma or period, there's that dash. Not really a big deal, just a mechanical thing really. The language gives us punctuation tools to help writers express themselves, we really should try to use them properly.

Overall
I think the story read well. There isn't a lot of garbage getting in the way of the story and you hold interest fairly well. The whole incest kink isn't my thing, but you pulled this off well and I read to the end.

Nice Job for a first story'

MJL