First story - hoping for feedback

[TaraSwallow]

This is my first Literotica story ever and I'd love some feedback before I post my second. It's pure fantasy with a little bit of plot, about three girls and two guys having some fun before a wedding. I plan to develop the characters more in part 2.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=334194

Thanks in advance for any feedback more experienced writers can offer!

 

[mjl2010]

Not bad. It seemed a little quick for five people though, was over before it really got going. But....I have no real complaints. A good quick read.

MJL

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Tara,

Welcome to Lit. Your story was one of the better first efforts I've read in some time. Technically it was very well done. However, as MJL said, it seemed a bit too concise. Due to that and the predominance of tell over show, there was little character development and the narrative had a slight "police report" feel.

The opening sentence was long, complex, and a bit confusing. That limited its effectiveness as a "hook" that would keep casual readers scrolling down.

Final point: This is a vignette, not a story. It recounts a no-guilt, no-stress sexual escaped prior to a wedding. That's okay, but it lacks some common story elements such as tension and change.

Don't let me get you down. This IS a very worthy first effort. The sort of things I mentioned can be learned. Talent, on the other hand, can be honed, but not invented. If you're interested in becoming a better writer, continue writing and study the craft.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[TaraSwallow]

Thank you both for the feedback...Rumple, I hear *exactly* what you are saying. Probably, in a subsequent draft, I should go back and add details and change those areas that tell into showing to make a stronger story altogether. This was literally a first draft that I figured I'd toss out there and see how it went. I have a plot in mind (conflict, tension, etc) for future chapters, but I also wanted to write a pure sex story.

It seems like I set out to do what I wanted--a quick, fun vignette--with the potential to improve into the future into a real story.

I am soo out of practice writing fiction with a beginning, middle and end...but it's fun to get back into it!

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

Sounds like you have a good handle on your writing. Stop by the Author's Hangout sometime and share in the BS. The Editor's Forum and the Story Discussion Circle are also worth a look.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[petemgurk]

Hi Tara, welcome to liter-etcetera, I'm a newbie, too, more or less. I liked your story and left you some public feedback. Hope to see more of your work!

Pete M'Gurk

 

[TaraSwallow]

big smile...

Pete,
Your feedback absolutely made my day! Thanks so much!!!! (I tried to PM this to you but could not, so I figured I'd give you a public thank you!)

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Not a bad first effort. I found some of the sentences over-worded, but that is something that will straighten out in time. The two biggest issues I have with the story is first, you have confused percision with details. This does two thing: It gets in the way of the reader forming the appropriate images in their minds from your words and it slows the pace because now the reader has to track the details since each may or may not be important later in the story.

The second issue I have is this is not really a story, but a scene from the middle of a story. As I have said many times here, a story has a beginning where the characters are introduced and the plot is revieled, followed by a middle where some action takes place over a period of time and settings, and an ending where the characters (and the reader) arrive at a logical conclusion. During this journey the characters reviel themselves and are changed or react at the conclusion.

But still, this was good. Keep at it. You'll do good.

 

[MarshAlien]

I think that this is an excellent first effort. You do a very good job with images, the sex scene is very hot, and the dialogue is quite realistic.

If I got to pick one thing for you to work on it would be pacing. You seem to be in quite a hurry to get to the sex, and as a result, you leave a lot of unanswered question. For example, why is Michael "getting ready" at Monica's house? What is his role in the wedding. The porn flick line is a good one; maybe you could start with that, and then explain why everyone is there:

"This sounds like a porn flick waiting to happen."

Michael smiled when he learned that we were all going to be at Monica's house the morning of her wedding. Giselle and I were going to be bridesmaids, Scott was the wedding photographer, and Michael was ...​

Or later, when Monica sees the trio on the bed, and begins to cry. Half a minute later, she's admitting that she is curious, and allowing herself to be led to bed. It seems to me that you could have done with a little more setup there (is there something about Monica that made them think they could talk her into it, let alone being filmed while doing it) or a little more persuasion.

Pacing would also let you turn it into a real story, rather than a vignette. Since it's only chapter one, it would be unreasonable to expect a full story here. But perhaps you could ratchet up the tension a little. Mary's been in the shower all this time; she could emerge and declare that there is no way she's going to let her brother, the groom, marry a slut like Monica. Then you'd have people awaiting the imminent destruction of the wedding in chapter two. Right now, they're just waiting for a wedding.

If I could pick a second thing, it would be your grammar. Obviously, you know grammar. Your fourth paragraph contains a perfectly placed semi-colon. But later, you seem to have drifted off, and perhaps not come back to rewrite and edit.

Giselle wiggled in anticipation. I thrust my tongue into her slit, then, sucking the moist juices. I backed away to breathe, then began licking rhythmically. She moaned as her clit swelled in response.

The door opened, then, and everyone stopped.

I'm not sure that you need either of these "thens," and you certainly don't need them separated by commas.

Monica knew about mine and Giselle's bi tendencies...

I think if you had reread this you would have found a less clumsy and more grammatical way to say this.

None of us scrambled to cover ourselves, we were too much in shock.

This would have been another good place for a semi-colon.

I see that you're looking for an editor; I think that would be a big help. Welcome to Lit, and I'm looking forward to part 2.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Tara

Welcome to Lit. I liked your story and thought that MJL, Rumple and your replies covered all the bases pretty much. You write very well and clearly knew what you wanted, a short sweet sex romp. I take all that you say about avoiding the three-act story constraints.

However, I felt you tried to pack too much into too little space. A five person group sex escapade takes a bit of time to explain. The narrative rattled along like a runaway train with lingerie flying everywhere and body parts flailing about. In fact, I think some characters got naked without taking their clothes off. The brevity forced you into using lots of subordinate clauses to get detail across quickly which was a bit staccato and you could have taken slightly slower.

Still, you win my vote for the most original explanation of a woman's sudden conversion to the joys of Sapphic sex. Not the cliched, "though I'd never looked at a woman in that way before," for Monica.

"I suppose better to find out now than after I'm married." leaves so much more to be explained in future chapters.

Well done, and how long do we have to wait for part 2?

Elle

Edited to add: If you have problems with PMs. Check in your profile that you have PMs enabled.