First story here; some feedback appreciated

[B_E_A_N]

Hey everybody,

B_E_A_N here. I recently started writing a new Erotic Couplings story and decided to try out this delightful community for publishing it:

www.literotica.com/s/daughters-of-darwin-ch-00-prologue

So far, I've got some ratings already (and thanks to everybody who five-starred this little beginning here; it made me very proud to see that), and I'd now like to ask you what in particular you liked or disliked about it. It's only the prologue; obviously, there isn't much plot to discuss yet, but maybe you already have something to say?

If so, I'd very much appreciate that.

Thanks in advance, everybody!

 

[litmlove]

Not bad.

- A few small mistakes, eg. tense confusion and comma misuse, but this is all forgivable. An editor would help.

- you are pretty good with dialogue

- you are not good at thoughts: whether using thought verbs or the narrative style. Almost every thought feels jarring to flow of the story.

- too short and rushed for my taste

- delete the first paragraph. I don't like the writing and it also doesn't fit the story as an introduction. The second paragraph/sentence would be good as an opening if it was reworked so you don't change perspective mid-sentence.

- Not a fan of your last sentence either. Are you trying to create an obvious follow-on plot for your second chapter?

 

[B_E_A_N]

- Not a fan of your last sentence either. Are you trying to create an obvious follow-on plot for your second chapter?

Yup. Trying to build up some suspense. First actual chamber starts VERY plot-heavy, so I need a bit of a hook.

 

[DreamCloud]

Your characters are coming through, but there is no story behind them. I did enjoy the encounter, but I would have preferred a good tale surrounding the sex.

Hopefully, more of the story will appear in the future chapters. I can't be critical of the grammar since I didn't spot the errors. My language ignorance shines brightly in my stories. I bow to other's knowledge in this area.

Keep writing!

 

[B_E_A_N]

It's the prologue and I'm going for a "in medias res" approach, so yes, not much plot yet. It's about to begin, though - in fact, "Daughters of Darwin" is a very plot-heavy story. (Most of my works are.)

Thanks for the encouraging words!

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

You lost me with the first paragraph and the 2nd paragraph was worse.

Does Laurel give cookie cutters to write stories with?

 

[B_E_A_N]

Who's Laurel? And what sort of content would hook you?

 

[robertreams]

Tanya (continued where she had left off and) opened Mark's belt,(then) and unbuttoned his jeans. Mark lifted his hips for a moment (so that she could continue to undress him and had to)resist(ing) the urge to touch her body. She had made it clear (that) she didn't want that. (, and) Mark wasn't an idiot, he was perfectly fine with how things were going(; no reason for him to risk that.)

When Tanya (got to) pulled down his underpants, Mark was already half-erect(, and t) The feeling of her soft hands on his skin (was enough to )made his cock stand up achingly erect.(entirely.) Tanya (saw that and)chuckled, gently running her hands over Mark's lower belly(, without) touching his dick(. Not that that) would have been unnecessary. Mark went full mast from her caresses. (anyway.)

Too many words that mean nothing and slow down the action. Too many 'and's (mostly creating run-ons) and 'that's (one of which refers to nothing at all). I feel expressions such as "full mast" only detract from the immediacy and intimacy of the action, unless, for example, used in an extended metaphor in which Mark was a sailor on shore leave. (Also kissing "those babies" for a moment I thought two very young children had entered the scene) Try to avoid being cutsey, it isn't HOT.

Keep writing, you definitely have something. If you tighten it up it will rate high n my 'peter meter'.

 

[B_E_A_N]

Hey, great, that was helpful! Gonna keep that in mind for chapters 2 and all that follows. (Chapter 1's already uploaded and waiting for approval, so you won't see your advice followed right away, I'm afraid.)

Thanks!

 

[PennLady]

Who's Laurel? And what sort of content would hook you?

Laurel is one of the site owners. She is the person who approves (or not) the stories submitted to the site.

Don't worry about what would hook JBJ or any one particular reader. There are too many readers here to reach even a small consensus on an issue. Write your story, make sure it's clear for the reader to follow, and see what happens.

 

[PennLady]

I don't see what Tanya being a big eater has to do with anything. It really makes no sense.

Your description of her breasts as being almost all muscle also struck me as odd. Breasts are mostly fatty tissue, which is why many female athletes aren't large-chested. I think I get what you're going for but there might be a better way to express it.

 

[B_E_A_N]

Thanks for the explanations, then. I'm gonna work on my style, try to avoid awkward expressions, and aside from that, just tell the story I want to tell.

Again, thanks for the encouragement.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

PENNLADY is Mooochelle Obamas school lunch consultant.


http://www.theguardian.com/books/2009/may/22/le-carre-call-for-the-dead

^^^^This is John Le Carre's opening from his first novel. Its excellent.

 

[Sammael Bard]

Here are my thoughts for your story:

Take a look at a sample from your opening para:

"Under the steady stream of demanding kisses from Tanya, Mark sank back on the couch. He already knew she was a big eater - the way she had handled that huge rib-eye steak when he had taken her out for dinner had left no doubt about that - but now it was becoming clear that she also knew other things to do with her mouth."

This line strikes as....cheesy/corny/irrelevant to me. Take your pick. If you're going to start a story like that, you've definitely lost me as a reader. Change or restructure it to something along the lines of:

Under the steady stream of demanding kisses from Tanya, Mark sank back on the couch. Mark had already suspected a highly sexual creature beneath her calm exterior, but this? This was beyond his wildest expectations.

You should know that while I wrote this:

- I didn't have a clue whether Tanya was meeting Mark for the first time at the dinner, so I took a guess and went for the first time thesis.

- This is my writing style. And I'm trying to convey that please don't try and change yours. As a new author many do that, so hence the warning.

I'm asking you to consider the sentence in its structuring and the difference between your narrative as compared to mine. I tried to process the natural thinking of Mark in that situation. I tried to go for the excited vibe that Mark would've on the opportunity of having sex with Tanya. So, I went with the flow.

- The First few paragraphs are of supreme importance in a story especially in Literotica website, where users aren't bound to read the entire story like a paid novel and are free to hit the back button of their browsers if they don't like it.

- Try and think for different, and better, alternatives for the prologue/beginnings of your story (this and others).

Strip the scenes, search your motivation for writing that scene, view that scene and see if you could write it in a better, engaging way.

It isn't that hard a work, and is definitely worth a try.

Phew! All these ramblings and I'm not even past the first paragraph yet...

- Narratives from later on in the story is a fine work. Your conversations are well-written. Good job on that front!

I like a story where the conversations feel natural, and not forced. Conversations are a great, yet subtle, way to let the readers know about your characters, your surroundings and your almost everything. It's good to see that in your story.

- Breasts are primarily Fat tissue. If they were muscles, they wouldn't be huge at any costs (Just look at the goddamn Female runners in the Olympics!). Do a research before staking Biological claims in Erotic fiction.

Otherwise, I loved the description of Tanya's assets.

- Your sentences read funny, and unintentional on behalf of the Author. It's like: I know what you want to say, but that's not what you're saying.

Got me? Read this line:

His dick seemed even larger today than usual -

It should've been something like:

He was harder than he had ever been before - Tanya's presence really seemed to bring out the best in him.

Your little piece is fulla such lines. A good editor can point it out and fix it. (Post a request thread in the Editor's Forum.)

Your story reads good enough, and I really liked your narration technique. It was more than just good. The ending was a decent hook for your series, if you intend to continue it, but it still remains at decent.

Anywho, it was a great piece and I enjoyed reading it. I usually vote a 5* or nothing at all, and you definitely deserved the former. These were my personal opinions, so I can be wrong in some (or all) of the places in my deduction of your story.

Good luck and keep writing. I hope that helped.


Regards,

Bard.

 

[B_E_A_N]

Hey,

again, thanks for the in-depth criticism. The first chapter of my story is just out - find it at http://www.literotica.com/s/daughters-of-darwin-ch-01

I wrote it before receiving all that great advice, so you won't find much improvement yet, but I'll take everything you said to heart as soon as I sit down for chapter 2. Not really sure whether I should bother someone to clean up the mistakes I made - it feels like I haven't really deserved that yet.

As far as biology is concerned, read chapter 1. You will find that there may very well be reason why a few things seem strange about Tanya. (Trust me, I've done a litte hands-on research on breasts and know how they ought to feel if they're entirely normal.)