First story feedback

[Sweetdaisymae]

Hello everyone,
I have been a Lit member for some years on the forum, and after some quiet persuading, I submitted my first story to Lit, which with a little help from a wonderful editor, was listed. I say this because one of the first items of feedback pretty much accused me of being someone else writing under a different name.
I have written it as possibly the first part of a series, although I could leave it at that if it is not strong enough to continue with.
I am looking for some helpful criticism, I am aware on reading back that there are faults with it, passages that I had in italic didn't copy over and there are a couple of wrong words (damn you autocorrect!) Helpful pointers are very much appreciated!
Thank you

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-first-meeting-30

 

[PennLady]

Congrats, Daisy.

You might want to put the link to the story in your post. Many people, myself included, do not have sigs displayed.

Good luck!

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

Thank you, have done so.

 

[luvthedesserts]

I'm not sure I'm qualified to give pointers, but you asked so nicely.


It was arousing, even though I don't particularly like BDSM. Control and I have issues. But that's my own thing. Grammar and I don't see eye to eye either, so I'll stick to style mostly.

The following is my opinion, others have theirs: (Take with a large grain of salt.)

A bit more internal observations could be looked at. If you write in the first person, it allows for that without being too clunky. I'm not a fan of first person writing. I can't do it well. Though it does allow the reader to get into the head of the character, it can often times allow too much annoyance in if the writer decides on writing such a character.

How he smelled. How it effected you. Did a cool breeze tickle you anywhere. There are subtle ways to set a scene. I felt my full lips turn up as I smiled. I hope he doesn't notice the slight roll at my side. Why didn't I set the TV to record "Hapless Housewives?" Questioning yourself on what reactions he wants before succumbing to all the 'O's. Some readers need to know colors, textures, smells. But ultimately, it is your baby.

I may have missed it, but you described the slimy guy but not the Man. Did you have to rise up on your tiptoes to kiss him? Did his mother name him? Do you find him attractive, frighteningly exiting, cold and calculating?

The above are just some things to think about, and all are suggestions not criticisms. I know the instant gratification of comments can be nice and also a bit daunting at first. Don't get trapped into continuing a story if you don't want to. Take all criticism calmly. Fighting back is rather unproductive and only fuels them. If there's no validity in their comments, brush it off if you can. Mine included.

I did like it. It was easy to read and left the reader wondering what their next meeting would be like. You have no reason to hide under your bed and never write again. Well done.

 

[chocolatecookie3]

I think you are a good writer, but I don't like second person! I think a lot of people will not read it just because of that. You could tell the same story in first person (just change all the "you"s to "he"s) and it would still be nice and hot.

 

[Sweetdaisymae]

I'm not sure I'm qualified to give pointers, but you asked so nicely.


It was arousing, even though I don't particularly like BDSM. Control and I have issues. But that's my own thing. Grammar and I don't see eye to eye either, so I'll stick to style mostly.

The following is my opinion, others have theirs: (Take with a large grain of salt.)

A bit more internal observations could be looked at. If you write in the first person, it allows for that without being too clunky. I'm not a fan of first person writing. I can't do it well. Though it does allow the reader to get into the head of the character, it can often times allow too much annoyance in if the writer decides on writing such a character.

How he smelled. How it effected you. Did a cool breeze tickle you anywhere. There are subtle ways to set a scene. I felt my full lips turn up as I smiled. I hope he doesn't notice the slight roll at my side. Why didn't I set the TV to record "Hapless Housewives?" Questioning yourself on what reactions he wants before succumbing to all the 'O's. Some readers need to know colors, textures, smells. But ultimately, it is your baby.

I may have missed it, but you described the slimy guy but not the Man. Did you have to rise up on your tiptoes to kiss him? Did his mother name him? Do you find him attractive, frighteningly exiting, cold and calculating?

The above are just some things to think about, and all are suggestions not criticisms. I know the instant gratification of comments can be nice and also a bit daunting at first. Don't get trapped into continuing a story if you don't want to. Take all criticism calmly. Fighting back is rather unproductive and only fuels them. If there's no validity in their comments, brush it off if you can. Mine included.

I did like it. It was easy to read and left the reader wondering what their next meeting would be like. You have no reason to hide under your bed and never write again. Well done.

I think you are a good writer, but I don't like second person! I think a lot of people will not read it just because of that. You could tell the same story in first person (just change all the "you"s to "he"s) and it would still be nice and hot.

Thank you... I realise that I have probably missed out on a lot of opportunities of better description. I guess its knowing what is not enough and what is too much, I have read stories where so much was give to description that the plot barely dragged itself to the next page. I will take that on board.
In hindsight yes it would have been a better move not to write in the first person, it would have allowed for more flexibility.

Ok, next question, I have written this in the first person, will it look weird if I change the style in part 2 or will Lit allow me to edit the first part?

 

[diagones]

Good start

No question you have the writing ability. First person POV is mandatory for the subject. Your pacing has a kind of breathless excitement that fits the occassion of going to a first meeting. Selected observations of time, place, atmosphere work to create a visual picture of where you are. There are also shortcomings. The Dom is barely visible, almost a prop issuing orders. The flunky with the greasy hair makes a stronger visual impression on the reader.

The greatest challange facing you now is more chapters of her initiation having the ring of reality. That is, the actual physical experience is not a continuation of online cyber fantasy. I admit this advice is very loaded. BDSM fantasy could be all that you have, so much so you are compelled to write a story about it. That is fine. No real Vampire or Werewolf write their own stories. But if you wish to continue with this fascinating genera, some actual experience and knowledge is required to captivate the reader. Even vicarious knowledge will get you by. Good luck and better writing.

 

[sensualwhispers]

flexibility

Thank you... I realise that I have probably missed out on a lot of opportunities of better description. I guess its knowing what is not enough and what is too much, I have read stories where so much was give to description that the plot barely dragged itself to the next page. I will take that on board.
In hindsight yes it would have been a better move not to write in the first person, it would have allowed for more flexibility.

Ok, next question, I have written this in the first person, will it look weird if I change the style in part 2 or will Lit allow me to edit the first part?

First person can be flexible its just how you choose to use it. i find that it lends itself to a more conversational style of writing and i have used it a time or to myself.

http://www.literotica.com/s/food-for-thought-8


I personally decide on what i want to write then write in my head in both first and third point of view and see which sounds better.
As for changing perspective, dont just alter how you write. give more description and try not to over use words. But keep writing the more you write the better it gets.

 

[sugoionna09]

You may have enough feedback already but I'll second what's already been said. I really like the work you've done on it thus far. There were some places as you said that perhaps italics would make clear were thoughts. I also noticed there were some POV changes, though just one or two.

I think we definitely need a bit more description. For instance, I have no idea what the Dom looks like and until you said it was lunch time I assumed this was in the evening. These things won't necessarily keep someone from reading but they drew me out of the story because I started to wonder about them. I hope that's helpful!

I can't wait to read more!

 

[MaryR]

Hello everyone,
I have been a Lit member for some years on the forum, and after some quiet persuading, I submitted my first story to Lit, which with a little help from a wonderful editor, was listed. I say this because one of the first items of feedback pretty much accused me of being someone else writing under a different name.
I have written it as possibly the first part of a series, although I could leave it at that if it is not strong enough to continue with.
I am looking for some helpful criticism, I am aware on reading back that there are faults with it, passages that I had in italic didn't copy over and there are a couple of wrong words (damn you autocorrect!) Helpful pointers are very much appreciated!
Thank you

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-first-meeting-30

I liked your fantasy Daisy.

I am from England as well and thought your words were so simply put and even the name Daisy suited the story.

Perhaps you could look at some of my stories under my name of MaryR to see if you like them.


Mary