First story feedback

[tildawn]

Hi, seeking any feedback/criticism of my first story. Certainly want to take any feedback on board, feel like I've learnt a lot just writing my very first story. Hoping to build on it in my next story

Thanks!

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=443629

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

You are trying to be too literary and in doing so are making some basic mistakes. Your first paragraph -

Another day is over, the journey from work begins.Run-on sentence. This could be fixed with an "and" instead of a comma. All day and still, my mind distracted, my thoughts only occupied by one thought, my woman, and all the things I burn to be doing with her. Hmm. A triple run-on sentences and two clauses with no verb. Or one long compound sentence without verbs. Take your pick. The excitement and lust grows within me, as my mind goes through images of her, her face, her body, skin smell, taste, and moans. You have a mixed metephore - show me an image of a smell or a moan(?) Kissing her, licking her, tasting her, holding her, being inside her again... This entire sentence has no noun then you end with an elipsis used incorrectly. Nothing else matters, it's been too long. I want her, I need her.

It goes on and on.

Now the bad news. This isn't really even a story. This is a scene from a story. A story has a beginning, a middle and an ending. In the end the protagonist grows or learns something. This guy just got laid. That's part of the middle. Where's the rest?

The beginning is supposed to introduce your characters, flesh them out. Make them real. Make the reader care about them. I have no idea who these people are and really don't even care. This is a result of you trying to use the first person POV. "I" did this. "I" want that. "You" did soemthing else. And so on. Who are "I", "You" and "We"? I have no idea.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

You set the bar far too high for yourself. There must be around a quarter of a million stories on Lit and most of them contain scenes of some sort of copulation.

For any writer to hope that a simple blow-by-blow account of the sex act is going to get many libidos racing is, quite frankly, over optimistic. Essentially, stripped of adjectives and adverbs, your story boils down to, “I left work, I was horny, I went to my girlfriend’s house and fucked her”.

I really don’t mean to be horrible. I can see you have a good writing style and I would not have bothered to reply if I didn’t think you had the makings of a good erotic writer. However, you need to think more about your readers and how to draw them in.

You have no plot; I mean, ‘I wanna fuck’ isn’t enough to sustain the piece and because you don’t sketch out your protagonist and antag at all, there is no real depth.

I understand that you tried to give emotional intensity with great use of adverbs and adjectives in descriptions but this just a bit false when the structure is a cross between a football commentary and the instructions for assembling flat pack furniture.

Some random examples;

We promptly make our way to the bedroom, keeping our hands and mouths on each other along the way.

Translation,

Quickly move the structure to the workbench, ensuring that the integral parts remain in contact throughout.

There are several more bits like that.

She lays down, with me over her... Fuelling my desire with her scent. Her smell, just the way it was when I think of her when I'm without her, but finally we're not apart. I close my eyes and smell her body. It's even better than in my dreams, overwhelming and ever so sensual. I open my eyes, my imagination is left to rest - this time she's here.

This is just OTT. If you read it again, it’s confusing for the reader and very flowery.

So, I’ve shredded you? Not at all; I just think you focus on the wrong essentials of the story. Much more dialogue and personalization of the characters would help. More use of all the senses and less use of ‘then I did this’ would transform your piece.

Again, just in my opinion, if there was some reason for the horniness – a row, an out-of-town trip perhaps – you give some imperative to the driving passion.

I think you have the talent to write some really compelling stuff. I would suggest you looked at some of the articles in the Resources for Writers section.

I think any editor on Lit would give you roughly similar advice.

 

[tildawn]

This is a scene from a story. A story has a beginning, a middle and an ending.

The beginning is supposed to introduce your characters, flesh them out. Make them real.

You have no plot; I mean, ‘I wanna fuck’ isn’t enough to sustain the piece and because you don’t sketch out your protagonist and antag at all, there is no real depth.

I understand that you tried to give emotional intensity with great use of adverbs and adjectives in descriptions but this just a bit false when the structure is a cross between a football commentary and the instructions for assembling flat pack furniture.

Much more dialogue and personalization of the characters would help. More use of all the senses and less use of ‘then I did this’ would transform your piece.

Thanks for that, the examples are good too! and it all seems fair It's not harsh, it's constructive!
I guess the main points I need to take on board to put into attempt #2 =
.. the characters are lacking any identity/realism ie who are they!
.. the scene needs a story around it too; to give it depth, draw in the reader, etc
.. less commentary, and a structure with more story and flow

I'll be sure to visit the writers resources too!

Thanks a heap for taking the time to read as well as reply here! Hugely appreciated!