First story feedback

[Su86]

Hi, I'm just about to start writing my second story, and would like some feedback on my first. I wrote it a couple of years ago, and I know it's on the short side but this next one will be quite a bit longer with more of a story to it
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=254826

 

[Kikori]

I voted a three. The detail was good, but there was no sign of what led up to it or a sign of a finish. Sort of a cliff hanger ending, which don't always do well.

 

[JohnBous]

Hi, I'm just about to start writing my second story, and would like some feedback on my first. I wrote it a couple of years ago, and I know it's on the short side but this next one will be quite a bit longer with more of a story to it
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=254826

Hi Su,

As vignettes go, this is a lovely one, full of emotion and sensation. Your use of language, and the unusual perspective you take, is handled expertly and certainly makes me want to read more of your writing.

I'm sure you'll get feedback saying that there 'should be' a lead up, reasons, a 'proper' ending, and so on - but please just ignore them! A well-crafted vignette is a thing of beauty, and you have given us a wonderful example. To be picky, there are a small number of typos/spelling/grammar issues, and you should be aware that these will detract from the story for some readers.

I look forward to your next contribution.

John

 

[sirloy]

Does the world really need more vampire stories? I find the topic over done making originality difficult. However, it was well written.

 

[Shwenn]

I don't know how well I can explain this but I'm going to try. If you don't understand what I'm trying to tell you, it's almost certainly my fault.

Here goes:

I get the feeling that you are trying to be all things to all people, here. You want this to be enjoyable for both men and women. So you try to make it something that both people can read as though they are experiencing it, and they can experience it as the man or the woman.

It becomes heavy in attempting to explain how he is feeling through her perception of him by telling us the intention behind his actions. The erect cock displaying appreciation and eyes begging for more, stuff like that.

Oddly enough, it is more effective when you do things like have his tongue increase in speed. I get from this that he is getting very heated. And, because I come to that conclusion on my own, instead of you telling me that is why his tongue is moving more quickly, it is more true for me. It isn't as true for me that he is full of sexual need when you tell me his eyes are begging for more. I have to take your word for that.

I don't know if I am alone in this but it is a very effective tool on me when you show don't tell.

It might be an edifying exercise to rewrite this piece in such a way that you relay his feelings purely through action without comment on their intention. At the very least, it could be a way to hone that particular skill. While it isn't neccessary, it is a nice skill to have.