First Story Feedback

[bluegenes33]

Hello, I have only one story here on Literotica, and I'm curious what people think of it. It's based on things that have happened in my life.

Here's the link:

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=385019

I may post more stories later. I'm interested in being a better writer and getting to know some of the other wonderful writers on this board.


Thanks in advance,

T.

 

[CWatson]

I like it.

You don't have any of the technical problems most beginning writers do--misspellings, sentence fragments, commas flying every which way; it's clear that you know what you're doing in terms of mechanics. As a writer you have a deft eye for details; you seem to know exactly which ones to bring out, and the rest you let take care of itself. The story is vivid and gritty; it feels real, and continues to feel real even as it gets weirder and more, well, like a porno. That's not easy to do.

The only technical critique I'd offer is that, when you have an interjected dialogue attribution, you don't have to end it with a period unless you really want to. Examples from Ron:

"Porn," he'd told me a dozen times. "Is a billion dollar-a-year industry."

"Besides that," he said. "I've got a small dick."

Read these without the attribution. Aren't they supposed to be a single sentence? ("Porn. Is a billion-dollar-a-year industry" just looks weird.) If they are, you can use a comma after the attrib instead:

"Porn," he'd told me a dozen times, "is a billion dollar-a-year industry."

But that's a quibble, and for all I know you did it deliberately. Ignore me if you want to.

Congratulations, Mr. bluegenes. You are a writer. And even more than that, you're a good writer. So keep writing good.

 

[tickledkitty]

I actually liked this. It could use some polish, but the writing is pretty sound, and I like tone of it. Your style reminds me a bit of Chuck Palahniuk, the narrative parts--the way he delivers the most astonishing tidbits, making them appear commonplace.

Why did you post in Group Sex? I don't think this story will do well there, because it isn't really group sex. Yeah, she has multiple partners, but they aren't all doing it at the same time. You might want to consider moving it to another category. Erotic Couplings, perhaps?

You spelled Motorola wrong, btw.

I think you should avoid saying this is a true story. From comments that have been made here, I think for some that is an automatic back click. You really don't need it anyway.

I'm wondering about both men's reactions to Lisa stripping and masturbating in front of them. It seems like they should have had more of a reaction, especially with what she was saying at the time, but I could be wrong about that.

Also, it seems like maybe there should have been more to it at the end, more of a climactic scene, but I could be wrong about that too.

Anyway, I look forward to seeing more from you in the future. Good job.

 

[bluegenes33]

Thanks, both of you.

Thanks for reading my story and letting me know what you thought. I really appreciate it. And that was some very sound advice, I believe. I will probably post another story in a few days. Thanks again.

T.