First story feedback

[Penalt]

Okay, this is my first time writing a story. Much less having it accepted by anyone. But I really would appreciate some feedback so be gentle

Story link

 

[tickledkitty]

Okay, this is not bad. It’s just not terribly interesting. It seems almost more of a synopsis than a story. The Cliff’s Notes version, if you will.

I think you need more dialogue. The dialogue you do have seems stilted and affected. I realize you have this medieval theme going on, and I can appreciate that. Still…

I found it tiresome that you never called your lady by name. That may be just me. I just don’t see the point.

I did enjoy the mood you created and the scene you set.

A slight pressure on my left arm told me that I was not the only one enjoying the dance. The lady on my arm turned to look at me with eyes bright with desire. "Let's go dance", said I to her. The dialogue here should have started a new paragraph.

Guiding her through the shadows by her captured wrists, I made my way to our pavilion. I paused at the entrance. "Are you sure this is what you want?" I asked. Same here.

I have to admit, I started skimming here. You were losing me.

Then I hit the “J cups” sentence, and that’s where you lost me completely. Is there really such a thing as J cups? It’s not a good idea to use bra sizes. “Enormous breasts” or similar will usually suffice. Additionally, with the medieval theme, mentioning cup size just doesn't work.

Reluctantly skimming further, I came to this paragraph: I went to my knees behind her butt and again slowly guided myself into her now slick channel. Air hissed out of her as I entered. Firstly, the word butt doesn’t sound right here. It doesn’t go with the mood of your story, especially since you have the words slick channel in the same sentence. I think you should find another word that fits with the rest of your narrative. Then, Air hissed out of her… It might be more effective to say “Air hissed from her mouth...” or something similar, because the visual I got from this was that the air was hissing from her pussy. It also brought to mind a slashed tire.

That’s all the further I got. As I said, not bad. Just not that interesting to me. Good luck with this.

 

[Darkniciad]

I think you're well on theme, and shouldn't have to worry about one segment of the commenters in the category that really come down on you for mixing sadism into your BDSM.

I like the setting, and that's what let me get into the story. For some reason, I can only get into a BDSM story set in a fantasy world, and your setting is close enough to fit the bill.

I saw one over-pipped ellipse, but otherwise didn't catch any glaring technical errors.

There were only a couple of stylistic errors that jumped out at me.

There were a couple of overly long paragraphs during the heat of the story where I could see natural "breaking points" to help with reading online. Once you pass 10 lines of text, it's hard for the eyes to follow when reading on a monitor, as opposed to on paper.

Here's how I would have broken this one up a bit:

I went to my knees behind her butt and again slowly guided myself into her now slick channel. Air hissed out of her as I entered. Slowly, I began to build up the rhythm, faster and then slower, and then slower still until I had all but stopped. Just as she as about to question what was happening, I reached out with both hands and grabbed hold of her hair on either side. Making a single turn around each fist, I created a pair of reins for her. My drawing back on her hair pulled her head back and raised the line of her back straight. The length of her hair allowed me to hold her by the "reins" and place my hands on her hips.

Holding her thus, I began to thrust steadily again. The rhythm began to build again. Our breath began to come in short gasps together. Time passed as our two bodies came together repeatedly. Finally, with exquisite timing, her controlled body obeyed the commands given it, and as she came, I began to pump my stored load into her. Jets of hot cum filled her, causing yet another orgasm within her body, which in turn set me off again. Finally, spent, I released her hair and allowed her to collapse to the bed. I spent some minutes laying beside her, watching her slowly regain her breath. The tight collar flexed as her throat muscles stretched against it.

That's right in the range of maximum for easy reading online.

The other stylistic thing that jumped out at me was the listing of the bra size. A lot of readers will back-click the moment they see that unless the woman is shopping for a bra *laugh* You'll really get hit hard by the ladies on this one. I can see why you used it, however, because getting across the point of J cups without actually listing it isn't easy. There aren't many things you can compare them too without sounding cliche, and most adjetives could apply just as well to double Ds as Js.

However, it may be a good idea to leave it at that. Let the reader decide what is "huge tracts of land" to him or her ( pardon my Monty Python )

There are a few other bumpy points here and there, but I found it a good read and dropped a 5 on you

Odds are that others will be along shortly to comment as well. Some can be a bit abrasive, but their criticism will be honest and truly meant to help. Keep the skin thick and you'll find a lot of wisdom in the words of most who post feedback in this forum.

 

[mjl2010]

I'd say pretty good. No glaring punctuation or poorly constructed sentences that made me want hit the back button my browser. One or two spelling problems that a spell checker would miss. Don't rely too heavily on them.

Minor criticisms

You started out well, set a place and time for your story and then abandoned it for the most part about halfway through. It was the only thing that disappointed me really.

You'll find a lot folks here are quickly turned off by mentioning cup size. They just don't care. Sure big boobs can be nice. If you want that, say they are voluptuous or whatever. Leave out the cup size, they detract from the story.

About the only other thing that I'd say is your paragraphs tend towards the long side. This can be difficult to overcome at first. We all learned way back in grade school to put related things into the same paragraph. Reading on a monitor is a lot different from reading a printed page. It's hard to keep your eyes on a specific line of text and that becomes even harder when the paragraphs are long. I found myself tending to scan and skip, having to go back and find my place and read again. Others will have this trouble too.

As an example, it took me three tries to find the sentence where you penetrated her so she could "Dance on your pole." I just kept missing it. When my paragraphs get long, I break them up into two or more.

In Conclusion

You wrote in first person, something a lot of people have trouble doing well without sounding like egotistical idiots. You did it well mostly.

Way better than most first stories I read here. I'll tell you the same thing a lot of people here told me. Keep writing and keep getting better. As I said, my criticisms are relatively minor. If you ask for opinion, you'll get it and now you've got mine.

Welcome to Lit. Good writing is hard to find here.

MJL

 

[Penalt]

Gotcha...thanks, will keep those in mind. I agree that the 'butt' section needed work but I just couldn't find the right flow for it. Its one of the reasons I asked for feedback.

As for the J cups. Yes, they exist and yes, I am intimately familar with them and they are natural. I gave the size as when I first mentioned my intent to write a story I recieved a specific request to give the breast size. Maybe next time I will just go with 'massive'.

My biggest worry writing this was screwing it up totally. The feedback so far is relatively minor and easy to follow up on for future stories. Much thanks.

 

[Mamid]

i can't even read it. too many crossed body memories in that story...

 

[_Lynn_]

Your paragraphs were quite long and hard to read.

I found this rather slow moving and boring. There was nothing to let me know the characters. I wanted to read a story. You told facts—I took, I turned, we sipped, we headed, I saw.

The little dialogue you had felt dry. More would go a long way to helping here.

I’m not sure why you don’t use a name for her but maybe I missed something there.

Now about the bra size. A medieval theme and cup sizes don’t work together. Besides which, there are all sorts of ways to describe them without using a bra size.

The concept isn’t bad, I just didn’t find it interesting enough to stick with.

Good luck.

My opinion only.
ML

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Well... I got stuck in your first paragraph -

Night slowly spread its velvet cloak across the mountain valley. As the evening's chill began to take hold, campfires began to sprout in the mountain valley. It was summer in the mountains, which meant the Medieval Recreation Group, or MRG, was at war again. Originally started by some college students, the MRG regularly got together to re-enact medieval wars by day and party hard by night. It was time for Summer War, and now some 1500 medievalists had gotten together doing what they did best--fighting hard and playing harder.

Night spread ist velvet cloak? That's unnecessarily verbose. It would probably have worked in the 19th century, but we are in the day of Hemmingway. You need to write in a percise an terse way, using as few words as possible and still getting the story and images across.

Then campfires began to "sprout"? I think this is a poor word choice. Campfires appear against the darkness, but they don't sprout as if they were somehow planted like cucumber seeds.

The the last half of the paragraph switches objectives and talks about the MRG. I think you would have done better to include this as part of paragraph two.

The problem is paragraph two begins with "My lady and I..." This is part of the action, not part of the discription from paragraph one. In this case, I would have trashed first couple sentences in paragraph one and started with the MRG. The story is not about the night. It's about the MRG.

I read the rest and it didn't really grab my interest. It starts out with the potential to be a good story, then rapidly devolved into an extended fuck-viginette.

Like I've told other new writers for a long time, a story begins with an opening that sets the scene and introduces the plot. Then the story moves along in some logical way toward an ending. The operative word here is "Moves". This story doesn't go anyplace. Are the characters any better off at the end? Have the learned anything? Has their relationship become stronger or fallen apart? They fucked, she as abused, she got fisted. But those things don't answer the questions above.

Generally, with a few punctuation errors, the writing is pretty good. That part you do pretty well. Where you fall down is in plot and character development.

When I sit down to write a serious story (me? serious?) I think of a Television detective show. There is a crime. The cops or detectives are introduced at the beginning. The cops follow the leads to uncover the bad guy and he's arrested and everything works out. That's the way I write the story. I introduce the plot/crime and the characters. I follow the trail and wind up in a different place in the end.

With this in mind, give it another try. I have hopes you will get it pretty rapidly.

JJ

 

[MarshAlien]

I also found the first paragraph very jarring. The first two sentences sound like a much different story than the rest of the paragraph. And by the time I've gotten to the third sentence, I understand we're in the mountains. You use the word "mountain" three times in the first 33 words.

One of the things your work lacks is dramatic tension, which gives us a reason to read the story above and beyond its stroke aspects. It's an interesting anecdote, but I think it would have made a more interesting story, to your readers, if she had been your captive instead of your lady. A captive who starts out haughty and ends up satiated would have drawn readers in, the way "here's a story about my sex life" really doesn't.

You have a good command of vocabulary and sentence structure. I would have liked to see a little more dialogue to set the scene before you got into the fucking. That, too, would make it more of a story than a description of something that happened to you.

I hope you keep writing. You show lots of promise.

 

[piltdownman]

I don't flat out think it's wrong to use velvet cloak of night as an opening line.. it shows you're a writer first and putting a bit of thought into setting the scene... Some descriptions worked better than others, but that's always the way... Not too sure about the left wrist, right wrist arm wrestling bit.. it sounded like an instruction manual... there has to be a better way to write the same thing and still keep the sense of what you meant... I think that just requires practice... if you stumble over parts of it when you read it back yourself, most other people will do the same thing. The bra size thing was a bit clumsy.... but if I read it right you were a re-enactment group and not actually living in the past... so in theory you could have done it in an RV... Overall I thought it was good and shows promise. The only way to improve is to keep writing so go for it and good luck.