First Story Feedback please

[MFD]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=158735

Hi guys,

I'm new at this. This is my first published story(in any medium), hopefully not my last. I really enjoyed writing it as now it's finally out of my brain. I had to get it out.

Constructive feedback will be appreciated.

I've already gotten requests for sequels, and I guess that's a good thing. I had written it as a one time only story, but I'm willing to continue it if feedback merits it.

Thanks,
MFD

 

[BlackShanglan]

I liked the style of writing. You control detail and description nicely and the sex is very hot. That said, the setup was too much for me. I ended up skimming because it all just happened too fast for me to find it believable. I couldn't buy the wife making that suggestion out of the blue with apparent calm normalcy. Still, where you went from there was quite deliciously kinky

Shanglan

 

[nushu2]

Very good first effort

Excellent use of dialogue - simple and kinda realistic.
Story isn't my personal taste but, obviously, it appealed to others.
You must be an analytical reader because it follows the general guidelines. Didn't get too descriptive, physically, about the characters, which is good, but the sex, itself, could have been more "colourful" (eew, not that colour).

Just two things bothered me: It's unorigional in it's approach and it's just a fuckfest with no real character development. Neither of these are true faults in porno and there's big demand for that, but can be boring for grizzled veterans of Lit. One of the fun things about this site is the number of women readers and it's interesting how they consider erotica.

Brush up on your use of commas. Overall, good stuff. I say, welcome to a promising writer.

 

[MFD]

Thanks for the feedback. I will elaborate on the characters in the next story I do. Still not sure, if I should do a sequel or a whole new story.

I will try to make the setups shorter and the situations more believable.

Regarding the general guidelines, I didn't read them. I don't like being told how to write(or do anything else for that matter). I tried to write in the style that's more suited to my tastes. I kind of made this up as I went along. I had a general story idea, but I hadn't intended on following the incestuous angle that I did to that degree. That kind of just happened as well.

MFD

 

[Dream Keeper]

Thanks for the feedback. I will elaborate on the characters in the next story I do. Still not sure, if I should do a sequel or a whole new story.

I will try to make the setups shorter and the situations more believable.

Regarding the general guidelines, I didn't read them. I don't like being told how to write(or do anything else for that matter). I tried to write in the style that's more suited to my tastes. I kind of made this up as I went along. I had a general story idea, but I hadn't intended on following the incestuous angle that I did to that degree. That kind of just happened as well.

MFD

I would suggest, that you don't crate a sequel. In my opinion there are only a few reasons for a sequel. The first being, that you created the story for the soul purpose of it being a series, although most stories of this type have a complex plot and good character description. Another reason would be, becuase the readers loved it. Sometimes a reader just grabs your characters, and says, "Wow, they sound hot, and that sex scene was great." Or somthing of that nature. When this happens they will want to hear more about that character(s), and maybe even a few new ones. The third reason is, you just couldn't let the characters go. This often occurs after a story in which you could have put more thought into the characters but the general description of the character just makes you want to bring him/her back in another story and maybe brush up on their description and etcetera. If this is the case, be my guest. Just don't make a story just like it, add some variety, and make sure there is a very noticeable difference between the first and the sequel. That's my suggestions. Goodluck.

-Dk http://graphics.gaiaonline.com/forum/images/smiles/icon_wink.gif

 

[Rainbow Skin]

The writing is just fine all the way through, and the descriptions and pacing are good. What it depicts goes too far for my taste, but I think it'd be powerfully sexy for people who like this sort of intensity.

The one big problem is Vanessa's suggestion out of the blue, and Celeste's being okay with it. After you've sprung this on us, you give some depth about Vanessa having possibly wanted it before, and you make the other two hesitant. This is all correct, but the initial offer is still much too unexpected for the characters we had up until then. Although you're telling it from the husband's point of view, you can't just hide what must have been going on between the other two to get them to that point.

 

[Varian P]

I enjoyed your story, and I thought your prose style quite good. The opening paragraph did a wonderful job, in my opinion, of setting a scene and a mood:

There was enough leftover delivery pizza for breakfast and not too many beer bottles to cleanup. The only annoyance was the snare drum sound of the heavy rain as it beat down on the metal shell of the small window air conditioner of our little apartment. The tinny echo shook the cheap plastic vents and competed for our attention.

I also thought the premise and the unfolding of the action were full of delightfully naughty erotic potential—both with the taboo of a man sleeping with his wife’s sister, and the incest aspect, all enhanced by the first time angle. The potential was largely realized, I’d say, though a few issues undermined the story a little, from my perspective.

Early on I had a little trouble (OK, a lot of trouble) buying the wife’s motivation. Not that I couldn’t imagine any wife doing that, but her combination of motivations—fear that her husband might cheat on her and her desire to give her little sister a positive first experience—seemed highly improbable when weighed against the likely jealousy this kind of person would feel, knowing for the rest of her life that her hot little sister fooled around with her hubby. It’s seems all the more improbable as it’s portrayed as a rather impulsive decision.

One way to make it more believable might be to bring in the angle of his wife wanting to show him off, which comes up later:

Now I realize she had always wanted to show me off. She was as proud of my equipment as I was. Until now, we had no one to share it with.

Perhaps you could allude to some kind of sexual intimacy between the sisters from years past—did the older sister teach the younger how to French kiss? Otherwise, at least for me, the sexual contact between the sisters later in the story seems rather unrealistic. But once I saw that the wife was a more active participant in the sexual encounter with the sister, I was less dubious about the jealousy concern. Bringing a hint of this in earlier might help suspend disbelief.

I had problems with this line:

As fun as this sounded, it was deadly serious. No one ever thinks of the ramifications of bringing that third person into the bedroom.

The claim, “no one ever” was strong enough to stop me as I read, practically challenging me to doubt the claim.

Then there’s this exchange:

Sweetie, you’re my sister, and I will always love you. I won’t let anything happen to you ever again like what happened tonight. In order to share your body, you must first understand your body. We want to help you with that.”

“I’m here for you too, Celeste,” I added.

For me, for it not to come off as a comic jibe at the narrator, you should add something about him feeling sincere concern for Celeste. As it stands I read it as him rather smarmily drawing attention to himself for selfish reasons. Same goes for this passage:

"Nessa, this was YOUR idea,” Celeste countered, “Would you rather I have some strange boy fuck my ass or let Jake do it? I know he won’t hurt me. I TRUST him.”

There were those words. Trust. You have to have trust for this.

“She does make a lot of sense.” I admitted.

All in all a naughty, fun little romp.

Hope my feedback is helpful.

Varian

 

[MFD]

Again, thanks for the comments.

Though I must say that line “I’m here for you too, Celeste,” I added. was not intended to have any comical intentions.

However, rereading again, I do see how it can be interpreted that way.

I must admit, that maybe subconciously, as I was writing this, that I think I might have been leaning towards writing another part. There are things I wrote, in the heat of the moment so to speak, that I wanted to add to flavor it with a bit of realism, but also to elaborate on at a later date.

Right now I'm thinking of the consequences of the character's actions and the ramifications on all of their relationships.

This feedback is helpful. I'm grateful for it. I think I've found a new satisfying pastime.

 

[MFD]

Follow Up

I have just uploaded the next story. It is a continuaton of this one. The story itself is not exactly, what people are asking for, but I'm not exactly good at giving people what they ask for. It's pending right now, but but I will put up a link once it's live.

Thanks

MFD

 

[vargas111]

I could not do it justice. Anal sex is a turn off to me.

 

[MFD]

Here is part two

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=159802

Here is part two.

Vargas, I appreciate you trying to read my story in spite of the fact that the subject matter is in the title. Clearly that tells me that you're willing to read something to see if it's any good regardless of that fact that it may not be your cup of tea.

Thanks for trying to read it at least.