First story feedback please: some Irish flavour

[Gorza]

Hello,

I would love to get some feedback on my first story, which has just been approved. It is Exploring the Ring of Kerry.

The story is about a twenty-something English man on holiday in Ireland who meets a young Irish woman in the back of a bus. Their connection becomes quickly sexual, as they explore each other on a long cross-country journey.

I've tried to write it with lots of Irish flavour, accent and feel, hoping that the reader will feel immersed in it. I've also tried to write a lot of good, hot sex in there.

Please let me know what you think, on any level.

 

[silversword]

I've only had chance to read to the end of the first scene, but, so far so good. I enjoyed the writing style and whilst I appreciate getting dialect into a story is difficult it does seem to work, even if some of it is a little clichéd.

I look forward to reading the rest of later.

 

[Gorza]

I've only had chance to read to the end of the first scene, but, so far so good. I enjoyed the writing style and whilst I appreciate getting dialect into a story is difficult it does seem to work, even if some of it is a little clichéd.

I look forward to reading the rest of later.

Thanks, Silversword! I hope you enjoy the rest of it.

The woman, Aoife, is supposed to have an educated Kerry accent, which is rather specific. The accent was difficult to write, as Kerry accents can be pretty extreme, yet lack some of the features that many people associate with Irish accents (because they are used to hearing Dublin accents). I wrote her dialogue to be a mixture of playful spark and cultured intelligence. I hope, as you read, she becomes as real to you as she is to me.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

It sux. I read two paragraphs before my brain stopped the abuse.

You suffer from what Ayn Rand called THE HADS ( too much use of HAD) and you wallow in static verbs.

 

[sr71plt]

It does rather suffer from a case of the "hads" at the beginning, where you start with background rather than with action, blending the background in as you have your protagonist actually doing something and the plot actually moving ahead from the beginning. This approach to an opening begs using past perfect tense (loading up on the "hads") when simple past tense would have been less awkward and would make for a smoother read--even when choosing to start with background.

It looks like it's an interesting story, though, for someone looking to read a novel that likely is going to continue but the author hasn't thought about how it continues yet (as hinted by the slug on the front of it). Seeing that as what it possibly will be, I didn't bite any further than the first page of it. In that section, I didn't feel that the use of dialect bogged the read down or got confusing. I thought the banter between the two was loose and natural.

 

[Gorza]

It sux. I read two paragraphs before my brain stopped the abuse.

You suffer from what Ayn Rand called THE HADS ( too much use of HAD) and you wallow in static verbs.

Thanks for mentioning Ayn Rand in your comment: such a useful way of flagging up a joke!

It does rather suffer from a case of the "hads" at the beginning, where you start with background rather than with action, blending the background in as you have your protagonist actually doing something and the plot actually moving ahead from the beginning. This approach to an opening begs using past perfect tense (loading up on the "hads") when simple past tense would have been less awkward and would make for a smoother read--even when choosing to start with background.

There are three sentences in the past perfect at the beginning, then the story moves into the past progressive, with a bit of simple past. The 'hads', as we're calling the past perfect, is about scene setting: these are things that happened before the narrative proper begins. For me, it is the right tense-aspect for them. There are only three of them before the aspect changes. I have reread it, and I cannot honestly say that three sentences in the past perfect trip me up.

Some authors like to begin in middle of the action, but this story is much more of a reminiscence. I want to build some character before getting to the sex.

It looks like it's an interesting story, though, for someone looking to read a novel that likely is going to continue but the author hasn't thought about how it continues yet (as hinted by the slug on the front of it). Seeing that as what it possibly will be, I didn't bite any further than the first page of it. In that section, I didn't feel that the use of dialect bogged the read down or got confusing. I thought the banter between the two was loose and natural.

I did wonder about slicing the story into two or three parts, but decided to keep it as a whole. I don't feel it's overlong, just a little longer than a single story is on average here. I'm glad that by the end of the first page the couple have their hands all over each other, and hoped that would encourage the reader to turn the page. There's plenty of action past the first turn. Thank you for your positive feedback on the dialect and banter.

 

[sr71plt]

There are three sentences in the past perfect at the beginning, then the story moves into the past progressive, with a bit of simple past. The 'hads', as we're calling the past perfect, is about scene setting: these are things that happened before the narrative proper begins. For me, it is the right tense-aspect for them. There are only three of them before the aspect changes. I have reread it, and I cannot honestly say that three sentences in the past perfect trip me up.

Feedback isn't about how the author thinks about it--presumably the author worked it over to the point of author-perceived perfection. It's how the reader thinks about it. You might rethinking asking for feedback.

Guess I'll go with JBJ on this one. For me, your opening sucked. (I'd normally say "doesn't work" rather than "sucks," but, as a professional editor, I've encountered too many authors who "know" what their writing conveys no matter how many times they are told differently by those they've asked for help.)

 

[Gorza]

Feedback isn't about how the author thinks about it--presumably the author worked it over to the point of author-perceived perfection. It's how the reader thinks about it. You might rethinking asking for feedback.

Guess I'll go with JBJ on this one. For me, your opening sucked. (I'd normally say "doesn't work" rather than "sucks," but, as a professional editor, I've encountered too many authors who "know" what their writing conveys no matter how many times they are told differently by those they've asked for help.)

Yeah, I get it. The point though isn't about which tense-aspect I use; that's a red herring. This post makes far more sense than your last one. A story needs a strong beginning, and this isn't strong. The question is how it could have been stronger. I don't think that starting in the middle of the action would work with this story. I think something more anticipatory, setting up the action of the story before we get to a bit of backstory, a teaser even, might go down better.

 

[Audrey DA Hottie]

well wrtten

 

[Gorza]

well wrtten

Thanks, Audrey.

 

[8letters]

I sent you a PM covering a lot of my thoughts on the story and I won't repeat that here.

It's a great story and I highly recommend it to all. You do a great job of giving Aoife a very distinctive voice. She clearly has an Irish accent and you do that without making the reader struggle through lots of misspelled words. The sex was hot and creative. 4.87 is an incredible score for a story and you deserve it.

The problem I see is the beginning. You take us through Mark's boring, melancholy life; then his boring, melancholy vacation which is about to end with a long, boring bus ride. If you had not sent me such a nice PM, I would have stopped reading the story before it got interesting.

As I said in my PM, I've read that a story should start just before something interesting happens. I start my stories with an interesting scene. I usually begin my story with a small bit of dialogue. That's what works for me.

You mentioned a teaser in your reply to Pilot. If by that you mean a short sex scene from much later in the story, I would advice against it. I don't care for teasers. As I know nothing about the characters, it's strictly Tab-A-Goes-In-Slot-B stuff to me, which I don't find interesting.

Thinking more on the story, here's what I suggest your beginning should have been:

"What's this?" asked my co-worker John as he picked up a small plastic square off of my desk.

"A condom. With a bunch of vowels written on it." The letters 'AOIFE' were written in black marker across the wrapper.

John chuckled. "Why do you have that here?"

I had to admit that a condom was an odd thing to keep on a work desk at a national newspaper in London.

"In case of serendipity."

And to remind me of the best day of my life.

* * * *

[Narrator begins reminiscing about the story]

Hopefully, that would have been enough of a hook to keep the reader interested as you set up the story. Also, it would prepare the reader that there's no Happy Ever After or Happy For Now at the end of the story. As the narrator is reminiscing, he can compress a lot of the story set up and throw in teasers like, "As I stared at the Irish woman's tits, I had no idea that I would be sucking on them in just a little while."

Or a much simpler solution is to put in italics at the beginning of the story:
This story has slow, melancholy beginning but gets hot and steamy by the bottom of the first page.
I think readers would then be more willing to slog through the set up as they know you know this is boring and they know it should get better soon. Most stories that are boring through first half of page one don't get better. I put warnings like that at the start of most of my stories.

Just my two cents. You are a much better writer than me. Again, a great job.

 

[Gorza]

I sent you a PM covering a lot of my thoughts on the story and I won't repeat that here.

It's a great story and I highly recommend it to all. You do a great job of giving Aoife a very distinctive voice. She clearly has an Irish accent and you do that without making the reader struggle through lots of misspelled words. The sex was hot and creative. 4.87 is an incredible score for a story and you deserve it.

The problem I see is the beginning. You take us through Mark's boring, melancholy life; then his boring, melancholy vacation which is about to end with a long, boring bus ride. If you had not sent me such a nice PM, I would have stopped reading the story before it got interesting.

As I said in my PM, I've read that a story should start just before something interesting happens. I start my stories with an interesting scene. I usually begin my story with a small bit of dialogue. That's what works for me.

You mentioned a teaser in your reply to Pilot. If by that you mean a short sex scene from much later in the story, I would advice against it. I don't care for teasers. As I know nothing about the characters, it's strictly Tab-A-Goes-In-Slot-B stuff to me, which I don't find interesting.

Thinking more on the story, here's what I suggest your beginning should have been:

Hopefully, that would have been enough of a hook to keep the reader interested as you set up the story. Also, it would prepare the reader that there's no Happy Ever After or Happy For Now at the end of the story. As the narrator is reminiscing, he can compress a lot of the story set up and throw in teasers like, "As I stared at the Irish woman's tits, I had no idea that I would be sucking on them in just a little while."

Or a much simpler solution is to put in italics at the beginning of the story:
This story has slow, melancholy beginning but gets hot and steamy by the bottom of the first page.
I think readers would then be more willing to slog through the set up as they know you know this is boring and they know it should get better soon. Most stories that are boring through first half of page one don't get better. I put warnings like that at the start of most of my stories.

Just my two cents. You are a much better writer than me. Again, a great job.

Thanks for your comment, 8letters. I'll get around to answering your PM.

I do get the problem with the first page. I wrote the story in a linear fashion, and put all that preamble up there. I agree that it would have been good to gift the reader with something that would get them through the preamble, and edit that down mercilessly.

I see what you mean about the problem of starting with a preview. I really do like your alternative version, using the condom at the end of the story to create an inclusio. I think that would have created a far more interesting start. I think, though, once the reminiscences have started, not to have sudden interruptions of viewpoint, but to stay in the moment.

Thanks for the feedback.

 

[robertreams]

Thanks for your comment, 8letters. I'll get around to answering your PM.

I do get the problem with the first page. I wrote the story in a linear fashion, and put all that preamble up there. I agree that it would have been good to gift the reader with something that would get them through the preamble, and edit that down mercilessly.

I see what you mean about the problem of starting with a preview. I really do like your alternative version, using the condom at the end of the story to create an inclusio. I think that would have created a far more interesting start. I think, though, once the reminiscences have started, not to have sudden interruptions of viewpoint, but to stay in the moment.

Thanks for the feedback.

As if Ayn Rand knew anything about writing, her stuff really sux

 

[robertreams]

sorry that response was to JBJ

 

[robertreams]

I think about half as much explaining about his breakup would work to help develop his character, but maybe inserted as a flash back um, maybe just after the Irish girl gets on the bus, maybe explaining why he is so horny.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Bob and Ayn have sucking in common but she sold millions of books and Bob, few.

 

[8letters]

I think about half as much explaining about his breakup would work to help develop his character, but maybe inserted as a flash back um, maybe just after the Irish girl gets on the bus, maybe explaining why he is so horny.

I would think the place to put it would be in this section:

The edginess of her banter had eased off, and that made me open up to her, just like a general who feigns a retreat to draw the enemy in. I hadn't properly talked to anyone about my breakup with Rachael, and I trawled it all up for her to hear. "Eventually, she had had enough of London, my work, getting stressed out, and she had had enough of me", I spun the story for her.

That's in a section that is quite slow after an interesting scene of them opening the beers.

Instead of telling us that Mark talked about Rachael to Aoife, he could have shown us Mark talking about Rachael to Aoife and could have interspersed flashbacks, Mark's feelings, etc. with the dialogue.

 

[LaRascasse]

I read this story and really liked it. The sex had a proper build-up and it left the reader wanting more. But, most importantly, I cannot thank you enough for keeping a local vernacular to the story (in terms of dialogue, settings, characters). Too many stories seem to be set in the same boring Lit-verse and it was a pleasure to read one that was unique in that respect. The Irish-ness of it was what sealed the 5 stars from my end.

Well done.

 

[Gorza]

I read this story and really liked it. The sex had a proper build-up and it left the reader wanting more. But, most importantly, I cannot thank you enough for keeping a local vernacular to the story (in terms of dialogue, settings, characters). Too many stories seem to be set in the same boring Lit-verse and it was a pleasure to read one that was unique in that respect. The Irish-ness of it was what sealed the 5 stars from my end.

Well done.

Thank you for your feedback. I'm glad you liked the story.

I thought there was quite a lot of sex, so I hope you didn't want too much more!

Writing the context and characters was important for me. I especially wanted Aoife to be a well-rounded character (not just her ass!). I had fun with making her a medical student, as it meant that she was both highly educated and knew a lot about the human body. As soon as I thought I had a sparky character in Aoife, it was easy to write some witty banter between her and Mark. I felt the banter was important in the build up, as it's this kind of spark that makes you want to have sex with a stranger.

Thank you for the stars: very shiny!

 

[Gorza]

I think about half as much explaining about his breakup would work to help develop his character, but maybe inserted as a flash back um, maybe just after the Irish girl gets on the bus, maybe explaining why he is so horny.

I would think the place to put it would be in this section:

That's in a section that is quite slow after an interesting scene of them opening the beers.

Instead of telling us that Mark talked about Rachael to Aoife, he could have shown us Mark talking about Rachael to Aoife and could have interspersed flashbacks, Mark's feelings, etc. with the dialogue.

I actually went back and wrote more about Rachael after finishing the story. I don't think that was a particularly good idea. I agree that a lot of the pre-Aoife build up would work better coming out in dialogue with her. I thought the banter worked well, and I think it was good to have that moment when she eased off the tease and he opened up to her. That's the moment that I think we could have the backstory. I think it's because the dialogue comes across a lot more strongly. I don't think flashbacks would have felt right here, as all the important stuff could have been rewritten as dialogue. I can see how that kind of rewrite would also have let me excise unnecessary detail, on the basis of 'why would Mark tell her that?'

 

[robertreams]

So now quality is determined by cash?
only by you junior blow job
and actually i have made some money selling my books.

 

[Everyday_Man]

So now quality is determined by cash?
only by you junior blow job
and actually i have made some money selling my books.

I agree ... quality is not determined by cash ... but, success and popularity can be.

True talent doesn't always pay the bills though.

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

So now quality is determined by cash?
only by you junior blow job
and actually i have made some money selling my books.

Mister junior blow job to you, shit for brains.

 

[Gorza]

Bob and Ayn have sucking in common but she sold millions of books and Bob, few.

So now quality is determined by cash?
only by you junior blow job
and actually i have made some money selling my books.

Mister junior blow job to you, shit for brains.

Maybe you should get a room.