First Story: Considerations appreciated

[OttoRank]

I realize now that I posted this invitation in the wrong place on this board, and would have more properly it placed here. My first story has just been accepted, and, I would invite you to read it and offer any thoughts.

Morocco


I am most appreciative of this venue. It is such a pleasure to be able to share.

best,
OttoRank

 

[kbate]

It is a good tale, well paced, vivid descriptions and with a nice setting.

The second person telling mingled with both first person and third person description makes it a little clumsy to read, but a few simple changes in places could make this tale quite hot.

In general it is difficult to write erotica in second person past tense, the one telling the tale, is telling it to the only person who has no need of adjectives to understand the action.

Nevertheless, it is a good story.

 

[OttoRank]

Thoughtful... I thank you. I find myself struggling with the construction of voice... and my own personal ear for a narrative. I appreciate your feedback.

 

[Flashlight7.5]

Good work

This is good. The only things I found that needed fixed were some minor punctuation errors. You have good descriptive skills, and you set up a nice red herring (the other couple).

I'm not sure if you have an ending, however. You have a solid beginning, but the end of your story feels more like the middle. Is more to come?

 

[AsylumSeeker]

Good First Effort - Pat On The Back

I applaud your effort and congratulate you on your success. From one writer to another, I am so glad that you are able to enjoy the fact that you have comunicated an idea that may impact others. There is no greater challenge or joy.

But... (there's always a catch, isn't there?)

Personally, I didn't like you putting words in my mouth or telling me how I felt. I say this in the same breath that I admit I'd written two chapters of a story in which I did the very same thing myself. At the time I wrote it I thought it was good. Now, in hindsight, I realize the error of my ways.

So, thank you twice. Once for your efforts and presenting a good story, and a second time for making me realize that I personally have difficulty with that particular style of writing. Don't let my single opinion change your style. I am merely sharing with you my personal thoughts as you requested.

Looking forward to more. And remember, writing releases your heart, but writing well releases your soul.

 

[OttoRank]

I'm not sure if you have an ending, however. You have a solid beginning, but the end of your story feels more like the middle. Is more to come?

For the moment, I suspect. It's really not so much a "story" as it was a set of visual fantasies that I set to words. I have a number of these... and the "other couple" show up now and again. Thanks for your feedback!

 

[OttoRank]

I applaud your effort and congratulate you on your success. From one writer to another, I am so glad that you are able to enjoy the fact that you have comunicated an idea that may impact others. There is no greater challenge or joy.

But... (there's always a catch, isn't there?)

Personally, I didn't like you putting words in my mouth or telling me how I felt. I say this in the same breath that I admit I'd written two chapters of a story in which I did the very same thing myself. At the time I wrote it I thought it was good. Now, in hindsight, I realize the error of my ways.

So, thank you twice. Once for your efforts and presenting a good story, and a second time for making me realize that I personally have difficulty with that particular style of writing. Don't let my single opinion change your style. I am merely sharing with you my personal thoughts as you requested.

Looking forward to more. And remember, writing releases your heart, but writing well releases your soul.

Thanks kindly for the observations... I've had a number of people send me comments on the concept of "voice"... I'd never really focused upon voice as much as after people noticed it. The narrator is writing to the woman who was his lover, and the subject of the story... at the time I wrote the vignette, I never suspected "releasing" it to a larger audience... I will ponder much more deeply the perspective of narration and voice in my future. Thanks for the considerations!