First Story by FrenchLitLover

[FrenchLitLover]

Hello Lovers of the Pen!

I would greatly appreciate your reading my story The Last Libertine, Freedom on Trial and letting your feedback flow.

 

[nicecthulhu]

Hello. Congratulations on your first story. If you hope for feedback here you may want to paste in a link to the story.

 

[emap]

Apparently someone jumped the gun on reporting their story to be read, there are no stories posted by this person. Since they are asking people to read the stories they submitted them, I hope anyway, I'll pop in the link to their story page where it will appear tomorrow maybe.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/memberpage.php?uid=1433008&page=submissions

 

[FrenchLitLover]

first story

Yes, I did get ahead of myself! In my excitement I forgot about the approval time

Still Pending.

Thanks for the heads-up!

 

[FrenchLitLover]

Link to my story, The Last Libertine, Freedom on Trial

Here's my link. Approved today!

http://www.literotica.com/s/the-last-libertine-freedom-on-trial

 

[FrenchLitLover]

Thank you

Thank you, emap...

 

[Dream_Operator]

Hi FrenchLitLover,

Thanks for sharing your story. You have a very stylized style of writing, which I must admit is not my cup of tea. I couldn't get past the overwrought prose. The writing seemed forced and unnatural--like you were trying too hard to impress.

Here's a couple of examples:

In one of our sixty-nines, her velvet diva mouth coerced my pudding fuck to spigot down her throat.

I locked my mouth on her pussy too, chomping on her meaty cream hole until my tongue choked up her clam butter.

*

Throughout the piece, the narrator came across (to me) as a bit of a pretentious twat, which is a huge problem in a first person story.

One last thing, if one character is speaking and another is going to speak, you need to break and start a new paragraph. You made that mistake several times.

Hope you were looking for honest feedback, because that is what I have given.

You show promise as a writer. Good luck and keep writing.

 

[123Josh]

Not bad. Pretty good

 

[MsQuote]

Truthfully, I couldn't finish your story. The sentence structure and the language were way too cumbersome for a light and recreational read, even if your intent was to be elegant and haughty. Just because you threw in every 50-cent word you could think of does not necessarily make for a well-written piece. Use those words sparingly for emphasis or describe a distinct mood or action.

My advice for starters ...

1. Be economical with your words. Don't use seven words in what you can say in three.

2. Write lyrically. How do the words and sentences roll off your tongue if you were reading your story to your lover? Do your sentences change in tempo to mark the moods and actions of what's going on in your story?