First Story bt Ganyeka Approved and up there.

[Ganyeka]

First Story by Ganyeka Approved and up there.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=202086

It's called "It happened at a party" and is in erotic couplings, but could be in group sex too I guess.

Hi, I'm Ganyeka. Well not really, but it's a Zulu name which means to excel or surpass. I just like some of those Native African tongues and how they sound.

I posted a thread about my story in General, in error. Went back to see what people had said, and it was gone. Couldn't find the post so I figured it was deleted for being in the wrong place. Then I found this place, which LOOKS like the right place. I hope so anyway.

I'm interested in hearing what you have to say. The comments I did see in General were "too long" and "too much detail".

I have 2 other stories pending approval at the moment.

 

[August_Bouvier]

I glanced it quickly...

...because I feel a sinus headache coming on.

First, I don't think it's too long. However, try to break up the paragraphs into smaller segments. It's visually easier for online reading.

Consider writing this first person account in the past tense, that way you have the option to play with time spans and sequence. It's challenging to do this in the present tense with a story that's a bit longer or that covers several acts.

The area where you have parentheses:
Using parentheses can be visually distracting for your readers. Wean yourself of this habit. Check those parts to see if the info advances your story or informs your reader about the characters. In some cases, it seemed like it's a matter of describing a scene differently rather than using ().
E.g. You wrote: "The curve of the underside of the breast is enticing and the stretchy (but slightly loose) top clings to it..."
You could shorten it while still giving detail. E.g. "Her loose top clung to her breasts, deliberately revealing the swell of pale skin, enticing me."

Dialogue:
Keep the paragraphs around dialogue short. Just break up the descriptions following. White space and dialogue are like a trails of chocolate for readers. That's what the eye gravitates to. Also, play with presenting dialogue first and description after, letting the character dialogue advance the action for you primarily, with description in the backup role. (See how I threw in the musical reference to your story.I digress). It lends a sense of immediacy to the story and action.
You wrote:
"She comes around behind me and bends over close to me and in between do-waps, says in my ear "You like my tits don't you? I like them too. They're great tits. They feel great too." Her great tits are pressed into my back as she says this and they certainly feel great there. Then she bops back to centre stage front and hands the mike over for the next song."
Example of a possible edit idea:

She's behind me and bends over close. (single line)

"You like my tits, don't you?" she whispers in between do-waps. "I like them too," she continues in my ear while pressing them into my back. "They feel great, don't they." That's an understatement, I thought, feeling her against me like that.

Also, there are times where you don't have to indicate which person's speaking.
You wrote:
I say to her when no-one can hear "You tell me how great your tits are and then cover them with more clothes. Hardly seems fair," but she looks me straight in the eyes and says

"What, didn't see enough when I got changed?"

How about.

"You tell me...hardly seems fair," I say when no one can hear.

She looks at me straight in the eyes.

"What? Didn't see enough when I got changed?"

I saw a few areas where you used storytelling where dialogue would feel more intimate.
You wrote: I tell her I want to watch her masturbate, to watch her hands on her own body, her fingers in her pussy.

Try turning the above into dialogue and see how erotic that reads, how it reveals the character's dominant sexuality and voyeuristic tendencies.


All the best with your writing!

Best,

August

 

[Ganyeka]

Those are all really good tips. Thanks! Specific examples like that really help. I appreciate the explanations as well.

 

[Carnevil9]

I'm not trying to be rude here, but just giving you an honest opinion. If you can't write an eight-word thread title without a glaring typo, I (and probably others) am not going to be enthused about reading an entire story. Good luck!......Carney

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I'm not trying to be rude here, but just giving you an honest opinion. If you can't write an eight-word thread title without a glaring typo, I (and probably others) am not going to be enthused about reading an entire story. Good luck!......Carney

Carney, the thread title is perfect. It's the site who has made the typo on the front page - don't be so out of your tree.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Eek, write numbers please. 'Twenty-two' instead of '22'

Sorry, but I got bounced early by the paragraph structure. You need to make these flow more. Some of the descriptions of attributes read too much like shopping lists. It made me lose track of the underlying story. I'd like to be more helpful on how to get round this, but its something i struggle on as well

Be a little bit more ruthless with the editing knife on some of those long paragraphs and don't forget to keep the story flowing

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Let me see. Paragraphs 2 and 3 are entirely too long and unreadable.
Your first person/Present POV is disconcerting and makes your dialogue very strange. Example -

...It is a light brown colour in contrast to her pale skin. "You want to get that?" I ask.

She says "Do you?"

"Sure," I answer and take the strap and slide it back up her arm. The fabric of the top has fallen under her breast though and as I pull the strap up it lifts the breast as well, before it slips suddenly over and the firm weight falls back. She sighs in mock exasperation and adjusts her self by reaching a hand inside and adjusting the top.

"If it happens again, now you know what to do," she smiles, knowing that watching her touch her breast like that and seeing her nipple exposed and hard has caused a large lump in my pants. She can't see this but she deliberately leans back into it.

First of all, the beginning of the conversation is buried at the end of the long, unreadable paragraph 3. Dialogue should be set apart in separate paragraphs. Makes it lots easier to get at. Secondly, you dialogue is scattered in tiny bits among the dreary expostulatory discription. Damnit! Let the characters discribe the scene. It's a lot more interesting.

Paragraphs 20 through 24 you lapst back into overly long paragraphs of boring discription. Then again from 28 through 32. Keep your paragraphs down to 6 to 8 screen lines, kill the discription and creat images instead (your readers have minds of their own) and LET YOUR CHARACTERS TALK.

As it is, you story gave me a headache.

 

[Ganyeka]

LOL. Dayum! Looks like my writing sucks! I've got some work to do. Thanks for the feedback.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

LOL. Dayum! Looks like my writing sucks! I've got some work to do. Thanks for the feedback.

Sadly I'm crap with editing options so I have to do it the hard way.

Strikethrough on Looks like my writing sucks!

go with the I've got some work to do.

i.e. don't be down on the negative and concentrate on pushing forward with the positive.

(urk, barf - I think i just spouted management bsspeak by accident)