First Story Attempt - Looking for any Feedback

[OpenlyClosed]

My first submission to Literotica got approved this morning, which is exciting. It is my first attempt at writing, after years of reading this site.

Titled "Old Friend, New World," my story is a gay male first-time story.

I'd be particularly interested in any feedback on whether you (as the reader) connect with or believe in my characters; if there's anything that can be tweaked on that front to make them really come alive, please let me know.

Of course, I'm also interested to know if the action is both hot and real.

Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=463794

Thanks in advance, everyone!

 

[bhurry]

My first submission to Literotica got approved this morning, which is exciting. It is my first attempt at writing, after years of reading this site.

Titled "Old Friend, New World," my story is a gay male first-time story.

I'd be particularly interested in any feedback on whether you (as the reader) connect with or believe in my characters; if there's anything that can be tweaked on that front to make them really come alive, please let me know.

Of course, I'm also interested to know if the action is both hot and real.

Here's the link: http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=463794

Thanks in advance, everyone!

Read your story. Very good. Hope you write more . Easy to become part of it .

 

[elfin_odalisque]

OpenlyClosed, Hi and welcome.

Your story is too short to get through the content and emotion you want to convey. Although you write well, you’re not ‘hot’ because you hit us with a sledgehammer which undermines even the essence of the stroke story.

I accept I’m female, but good erotica is good erotica and none of my gay buddies would behave like John. They never hide their sexuality but let it emerge with friendship and would never start stripping in the scene you create. You rush things and spoil the climax. It needs to build a head of steam.

In my opinion, you should do so much more in dialogue not narrative. Larry in the comments is wrong. You jump into the story, great, but as I read it you would do better bringing out the backstory in dialogue as they shared a few beers and, a bit tanked, John makes his ‘confession’ before Stu drives him home. The fondlings, kisses and finally sex should be more romantic and exciting.

Moving from the instant action to slow history destroys your pacing. This is an urgent story and needs to be kept moving.

Alex Hedges is a diversion you should just edit out, I think. The conclusion is a bit weak as you’ve led us through the story and then say, ‘that’s all folks, nothing more to see, just move along’. You’ve got us to care about Stu and John and then let us down. Better you leave while they’re in bliss.

I give you this because I think you write well but seem constricted in not wanting to explore the relationships in face-to-face dialogue. How John finds it necessary to ‘come out’ and how Stu deals with it is the nub of your story and I just feel you didn’t give it justice.

Just a girly, Elle,

 

[PennLady]

Just read

Hi.

Full disclosure: I'm a straight, married woman.

I just read your story. I think it was a good start. There were a few little errors ("Stu humped at the hair" (air, right?)), and such. As someone else said, though, it's too short. There seems to be a lot of background here for both Stu and Jon that got glossed over. Also, I didn't really care for Jon -- he seemed a bit of a slut. Well, promiscuous anyway. I had a hard time believing that even a gay man comfortable with himself would be so forward with a guy who was only curious and not sure he was gay.

It's good, though, and practice makes perfect, so keep writing.

PennLady

 

[sr71plt]

You write well and fluidily (a bit of editing needed), but this isn't a story, it's a cliched (and rushed) sex scene vignette. (which is OK for those who are looking for this.)

It starts off fine, and I don't think the backstory given is too much telling rather than showing. It sets up for a story OK--but then no story is delivered. It's not plausible as a setup because there isn't enough setup--and there's no emotion--and there's no realistic motivation for what either of the characters do.

I'm not sure who the target audience is, but I don't think it works for someone who is really a gay male--maybe for that mostly mythical segment of men who are gay curious(?), but probably mostly for women readers who are curious about the somewhat mythical male gay curious (which, yes, does get convoluted and leaves reality in the dust).

Plausible gay male encounters are either highly emotional and require a good deal of set up or hardcore desensitived way beyond the emotional now, so a competent gay male story, I think, can go off in either of these directions (or be a clash of the two)--but yours does neither, I'm sorry to say.

As an aside, I don't think that the reader has to care for all of the characters in a gay male story--quite the opposite--and a great story can be delivered where the reader doesn't. (but then I don't think this is necessary for a good straight story either.)