First story approved and posted.

[toknight]

HI! Been here for about a week. Very cool place. You've all been very helpful.

 

[SexyChele]

Well, you know what I think.

 

[DarlingNikki]

Oh dear. This disturbed me so, so much. I didn't vote because I can't imagine how to evaluate a story that involves consuming someone's vagina hair and all and then dumping her corpse in the river.

 

[SexyChele]

Oh dear. This disturbed me so, so much. I didn't vote because I can't imagine how to evaluate a story that involves consuming someone's vagina hair and all and then dumping her corpse in the river.

Voting was simple for me. This is the very first story at Lit I ever gave a vote of "1" to. If there was anything lower, I would have opted for that instead.

 

[toknight]

feedback

'Distress' was meant to be very disturbing. The 'Erotic Horror' category description reads: Bizarre, shocking, scary, and sometimes sexy. I guess I might have got the first two.

Thank you for your comments and feedback. I love your honesty . . . it'll help me become a better writer. There's a quality about this site and its members that I like.

 

[hiddenself]

What's the point?

Don't know what the point of the story is. Shock value, I suppose. But it didn't bother me because it was so unreal -- it didn't resonate, it didn't touch me, it was too artificial. I was bored.

The theme is hardly original. Silence of the Lambs and Hanibal Lecter, remember? A lesser known but much more gruesome film along these lines is Claire Denis's "Trouble Every Day" -- a French film that shook up Cannes in 2001. I saw it last year and it did not really talk to me. Compared to that, your story is flat and pale.

The writing is choppy and clipped. I suppose that was intended but it simply makes the story less gripping. It did not have the intended effect on me (whatever that was). The plot was disconnected and instead of adding to the realism, it simply made the whole thing seem totally fake. Good idea, but very mediocre execution (figuratively and literally speaking). But I admit that this kind of thing is hard to pull off convincingly.

hs

 

[toknight]

Thanks

Okay. I get it. Thanks for your feedback. I wish I knew how to get into a posted story to edit or delete.
Anyway, I love to write, and I've been enjoying the stories you all have posted.
I value your critism, and I'm learning much by being here.
I wonder why the few who have liked the story just stuck to email instead of using the boards.
Thanks again.

 

[violent intimacy]

Hi

Here's my first attempt to review a story on here (and what a story I've picked to review, huh?)...

The oyster discussion in the beginning was somewhat interesting. It did make me want to keep reading, if only to see where you were going with it.

The first handjob scene was... um... well, it seemed unimportant to the story. As if it didn't have anything to do with what came after. This was when I started going "huh?" as I read on. You could also have tried a little more detail than The chubby old bitch slapped some lotion on her hand and started to stroke Jim's dick.

Then it jumps to the Rika date and sex scene. I imagine you were trying to get to the "finale" and this part seems kind of rushed. The whole "condom on the floor" thing puzzled me a bit too. Again, it didn't seem to have anything to do with the story. You could have explained it more or given one of the parties some kind of reaction. You wrote about it like it was important to the story but it wasn't.

The Tomomi scene would almost work as a standalone piece on its own. In fact, your effort seems most apparent in this entire part and it was like the rest of the story was just added it to make it kind of like a story.

OK, the one glaring thing in the story that I really did NOT like was when you had the speculum penetrating and opening the cervix. This is unrealistic. First of all, a vaginal speculum probably can't reach that deep - it's made to hold the walls of the vagina open. The cervix is the ring of muscle at the end of the vagina and I doubt it can be opened with a speculum in that manner. Did you just flub up your terminology or did you really want to write that he opened her cervix? To be perfectly honest, this mistake was what annoyed me enough to review the entire story here right now

I'm not going to nitpick on your actual writing. Your spelling and grammer were basically ok, and that's good enough for me right now. Oh, except for this and put on a pair of latex gloves before trading the table the bottle of vodka for a short carving knife. Looks like you got some words mixed up there.

Hope this was helpful!
-s.

 

[oggbashan]

Re: Thanks

Okay. I get it. Thanks for your feedback. I wish I knew how to get into a posted story to edit or delete.

Just post the story again with "EDITED" after the title.

Og

 

[toknight]

Thanks. It's been a learning experience. Is there any kind of critique board here where we can get feedback before we make the submission commitment, or is resubmitting edited versions a common practice?

 

[toknight]

I can't thank you all enough for your feedback. I haven't been able to think of anything else, even the good stuff that was sent to me in my inbox. I will be sending in an edited version--I won't give up. I'll be a better writer because of all of you.

That bit about the vaginal speculum penetrating the cervix, I had thought it was possible, (I had thought I had even felt myself penetrating it--male ego, huh.); evidentally it's not--I'm still researching it--something I should have done in the first place, thank you very much.

About grammar though: Violent Intimacy said:


I'm not going to nitpick on your actual writing. Your spelling and grammer were basically ok, and that's good enough for me right now. Oh, except for this and put on a pair of latex gloves before trading the table the bottle of vodka for a short carving knife. Looks like you got some words mixed up there.

Can one not say, 'I traded her something for something.' ?

ex. I traded her the Stephen King book for the Patricia Cornwell one.

Okay, so the table is an inanimate object, but . . . is the grammar really incorrect, or that hard to grasp?

I would very much like to thank Violent Intimacy for pointing out the stuff that wasn't relevant to the story; along with that stuff, I hate the passive voice, adjectives, and needless words. BRAVO!

 

[oggbashan]

Voluntary Editors

Thanks. It's been a learning experience. Is there any kind of critique board here where we can get feedback before we make the submission commitment, or is resubmitting edited versions a common practice?

You can use the volunteer editors. You have to look through the list to find one that does what you want and also is sympathetic to your type of story.

It is much better to get the story right before submitting it. It MIGHT get rejected if the errors are too obvious.

Og

 

[oggbashan]

Oh, except for this[/I] and put on a pair of latex gloves before trading the table the bottle of vodka for a short carving knife. Looks like you got some words mixed up there.

Can one not say, 'I traded her something for something.' ?

ex. I traded her the Stephen King book for the Patricia Cornwell one.

Okay, so the table is an inanimate object, but . . . is the grammar really incorrect, or that hard to grasp?

You can say I traded x for y but that is not what you said. You said trading the table the bottle of vodka for a short carving knife .

That does not make sense. If you leave out "the table" it might fit. As it is either you traded "the table" for the "knife" or you traded the "bottle" for the "knife". You need some explanation about "the table". That is the sort of query a volunteer editor would find and ask you to sort out.

Og

 

[toknight]

WOW!!! I understand. Thank you! But one can say, 'I traded someone X for Y,' right? Seriously wondering.

 

[oggbashan]

Trading

WOW!!! I understand. Thank you! But one can say, 'I traded someone X for Y,' right? Seriously wondering.

You can in American. Not in British English.

For American usage read Strunk and White.

Og

 

[violent intimacy]

But one can say, 'I traded someone X for Y,' right? Seriously wondering.

Sorry about not being more clear in my original review - I thought you'd arranged the words wrong, but now I see what you were trying to construct.

Yes, you can say it like that. e.g. "I traded him the watch for the money." or "I traded Og my apple for his orange."

IMO, that's a really bulky way to construct a sentence. You might be better off leaving out the someone and just saying "I traded x for y".

But as Og said, you definitely cannot have "the table" in there.

 

[oggbashan]

But as Og said, you definitely cannot have "the table" in there.

Thanks for coming back.

I was struggling with the American idiom.

I'm idiomatic enough in British.

Og.

 

[violent intimacy]

I was struggling with the American idiom.
I'm idiomatic enough in British.

And here I am, a foot on each side.
British in education, American in residence.
This means that at least half the time, the other side thinks I'm wrong.

 

[oggbashan]

Split Personalities?

And here I am, a foot on each side.
British in education, American in residence.
This means that at least half the time, the other side thinks I'm wrong.

You think you have problems - I was born in Wales, educated in London, Gibraltar, rural Suffolk and Australia.

I was taught French by a Yorkshireman and an Australian, and German by a Pole who hated speaking it. My Spanish I picked up as a child from Spanish Dockyard workers in Gibraltar. They enjoyed teaching me all the words NOT to be said in polite company.

My wife has a Public School accent in English and was taught French in Paris by a retired professor from the Sorbonne. When I visit France with her I either keep my mouth firmly shut or embarrass her by appearing to be a complete hick.

Og.

 

[toknight]

You guys are great! Yes, this is the place to learn! I am a real stickler for grammar, so I wanted to know, but the important thing is that the phrase was bulky and hanging up the reader--out it goes!
Oh, I have read 'The Elements of Style' a few times.