First story and i'm having fun!

[Morrigu]

Well my first story is now on site and I'm amazed people have read it and been so encouraging. I'm having so much fun, i'll just have to do it again.

I'd be grateful for comments, constructive criticisms etc.

Voyeur
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=312534

 

[Guest]

Well my first story is now on site and I'm amazed people have read it and been so encouraging. I'm having so much fun, i'll just have to do it again.

I'd be grateful for comments, constructive criticisms etc.

Voyeur
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=312534

Welcome to the site. Enjoy the fun. I'll have to give your story a read sometime soon.

 

[Morrigu]

Thankyou for your greetings. And if you do read it, i'd love to know what you think.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Well, it was very, very short. More like a scene, or short vignette.

This line is very awkward.

I can see you through the trees, sat on an old tree stump, head bent.

I think sitting is what you should have used instead of 'sat'.

You're missing quite a few commas, making it confusing at times to read.

Overall, it wasn't bad, a good start. There are people around here that will help you if you are serious about writing.

 

[_Lynn_]

Just read it, and first I agree with drk that it is very short.

I like the concept of the story, but it doesn't read well to Me. The flow isn't there like it should be to make Me want to continue on. If you take more time to make a story and not just a scene, I think you will do better. Be sure to watch your editing as well. It all comes in time.

 

[MarshAlien]

It's a very evocative sketch, with some very interesting visual images (even to a Yank whose reading falters a little at words like "knickers" - sorry, some of us colonists are just too provincial). It's not, though, a story, with one o' them there plot things. Even adding more details, like what the heck you're doing out there spying on me, you little trollope, would help create a little more of a story. For example, why are you curious to see what I'm doing here? Is it something about me, because I'm third in line for the throne? Or devastatingly handsome? Or is it something about the place, like we're in the middle of a public garden?

I agree with drk that the first line is jarring, with the inappropriate past-tense verb "sat" stuck right in the middle. The first line of the second paragraph needs to be made two sentences. Some of your other lines, though, like "wrap my lips around that fabulous cock and suck it into my mouth," need to be made into full sentences, with verbs. Fragments have their place in stories, but not quite as often as you use them here.

I think you show a lot of promise, and I'd love to read an actual story. If you want to PM me before you submit another, I'd be happy to help you put it into final form, knickers or not.

 

[Morrigu]

Thankyou!

Thank-you so much for your comments, they are much appreciated.

I have re-read it and i agree totally with what you say - always difficult until someone points it out! I realise it's more of a scene than a story, or "flash lit" I think it's called. And that my tenses and punctuation were a little off the mark.

Yes i am serious about writing literature. I love being immersed in something a little different to my everyday life (well ok a lot different!). So i will continue to write and hope each "story" is better than the last.

 

[Sun Tan Guy]

Well my first story is now on site and I'm amazed people have read it and been so encouraging. I'm having so much fun, i'll just have to do it again.

I'd be grateful for comments, constructive criticisms etc.

Voyeur
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=312534

I enjoyed it very well.. Yes, It could be longer.. but sometimes short and sweet is very good... I think you have great potential sweetheart
STG

 

[_Lynn_]

Thank-you so much for your comments, they are much appreciated.

I have re-read it and i agree totally with what you say - always difficult until someone points it out! I realise it's more of a scene than a story, or "flash lit" I think it's called. And that my tenses and punctuation were a little off the mark.

Yes i am serious about writing literature. I love being immersed in something a little different to my everyday life (well ok a lot different!). So i will continue to write and hope each "story" is better than the last.

The best way to learn is to ask questions.
It's always easier to see our errors after someone else points them out to us.
The key is to accept their comments, not take them personally and learn all you can.

Lit has so many great Authors, some of whom leave comments right here in the Story Feedback threads.
Keep up the positive attitude and your work can improve.

 

[rbijon]

Well my first story is now on site and I'm amazed people have read it and been so encouraging. I'm having so much fun, i'll just have to do it again.

I'd be grateful for comments, constructive criticisms etc.

Voyeur
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=312534

This could have been me.....very hot story.... ...thanks

 

[zukethecuke]

I loved it! (Of course, that says as much about me and what I love as it does about your writing....)

I left feedback, mostly saying "Very good, now give us more!" Not necessarily more of this story (although there must have been more to the story, both before and after this scene) but just a desire to have you share your erotic thinking with us more.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

Thank-you so much for your comments, they are much appreciated.

I have re-read it and i agree totally with what you say - always difficult until someone points it out! I realise it's more of a scene than a story, or "flash lit" I think it's called. And that my tenses and punctuation were a little off the mark.

Yes i am serious about writing literature. I love being immersed in something a little different to my everyday life (well ok a lot different!). So i will continue to write and hope each "story" is better than the last.

Just try to learn from your mistakes. You will find that the more you write, the better you will get.

Good luck!

 

[Nightbird]

*bump*

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

MORRIGU

Youre in good company. Simon & Garfunkle wrote these lyrics many years ago.

"Old friends
Sat on their park bench
Like bookends.
A newspaper blown though the grass
Falls on the round toes
Of the high shoes
Of the old friends."

 

[Susan2002]

I have just finished reading all your stories.
You convey sexual lust well, and if you want to make your readers hard or wet then you certainly have the talent. I wonder what a longer story would be like from you?

 

[Morrigu]

Many thanks for commenting on my scribbles, every word is very much appreciated. I am loving Lit and writing and life.

I am trying to write more in terms of character, but keep getting drawn into the description of sex scenes...........I've written loads of those Maybe I need to stop being so impatient for the end result

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

Ultimately it all contributes to the power of the sex.

I think of it this way: To fuck all I really need is a girl. But place and desire and costume and wine/liquor all enhance the experience.

 

[Morrigu]

Ultimately it all contributes to the power of the sex.

I think of it this way: To fuck all I really need is a girl. But place and desire and costume and wine/liquor all enhance the experience.

I know, I need to enhance the flavour. Thank you

 

[JAMESBJOHNSON]

MORRIGU

No. I was agreeing with you, in my own way of speaking.

Character is important, scene is important, it all contrubutes to the effect.

 

[Morrigu]

MORRIGU

No. I was agreeing with you, in my own way of speaking.

Character is important, scene is important, it all contrubutes to the effect.

Wise words...............I thank you

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Morrigu, welcome indeed and apologies for not catching up with you sooner.

Being late, I took the time to read all your posts so, if I may, I'll comment fairly generally.

First, you don't write stories, you write short sex scenes - very well IMHO - but wispy chimeras that float out of our minds quickly. A bit like chinese food. They are really prose poems that give us no characterization or chance to empathize with the protagonists.

If that's your preferred style, carry on. You do it better than most writers here and it is fun. Just, if you want to push out into story writing (and I think you have all the talent for it) you need to need to flex your wings a bit.

I'm normally a stickler for grammar, but just like JamesB said about 'Voyeur', your 'sat' in the first sentence works for me, even though incorrect as you are writing in present tense. Marsh and drk are a bit fuddy-duddy here, as long as you know you are breaking the rules for effect.

A story needs DAN - dialogue, action and narrative (I include description in narrative 'cos it is really). At the momentyou can't do dialogue. Iit should be used to speed up the story and develop the action. "Oh, fuck me," doesn't quite do the trick.

Please! Don't use second person in your writing. It doesn't work - ever. There are guys here who say it is a gender thing (when you fantasize about the hard shaft between my legs you lose me) , but my take is that second person is a spoken voice - for singers, actors and poets - and just kills a written story dead.

You overuse narrative to substitute for action. The descriptions of sex would have sucked us in more if you had drawn us in each time - told us something about the characters that made us want them to come together. Use the whole five senses.

You are really good, I wouldn't have written this much if I didn't think you have the ability to write great erotic fiction. I enjoyed your early vignettes and really encourage you to go for gold.

Set yourself a target of a 5 thousand word story (still short by Lit standards).

If I can be of any help,just PM me.

Girl done good!

Elle

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

I don't know, Elle. "Sat" is past tense, the rest of the sentence is in present. That doesn't work for me either. It's a mind jog that I stumbled over.

This entire piece is gross discritption. There is no characterization or plot development. For a viginette it's not bad, but I found it rather disinteresting for two reasons. The main character doesn't even have a name or anything that the reader can identify with enough to create their own image.

First the language tends to be rather over done. For instance in the second paragraph -

"...Pushing the branches back I pick my way carefully towards you. SNAP. My foot treads on a rotten twig and in the quiet the noise cracks loudly through the air. I pause, my eyes locked on you, but you make no move to indicate that the noise has disturbed you..."

There are a couple things here. Your foot "treads on a rotten twig"... If the thing you stepped on is small enough to be a twig it would make almost no sound. And you use "tread". Now there's an eighteenth century word for you.

Grammatically this is correct, but over worded. It reads more like Hawthorne than Hemmingway.

Then a couple of paragraphs down she wrote -

"...The movement of your hand has slowed and you are squeezing your cock slowly, still tugging at your balls. I am now so wet that I can feel the slickness between my pussy lips. Careful not to move too much I slip my hand up my skirt and under the edge of my knickers -- oh my pussy is so, so wet..."

Ok, how does she know she's dripping wet when she hasn't felt her pussy yet? Then she doesn't "move too much..." and puts her hand under her skirt and inside her knickers. Now she knows she's wet. But there is something mixed up here I can't quite understand. And what's she doing stomping around in the forest in a skirt? I grew up in the forests of the N.W. This doesn't make sense.

Another point, this paragraph is 13 screen lines long. That's too long to read comfortably. This writer should say to a 6 to 8 line limit, that's, say 100 words maximum in a paragraph.


The other thing that bothers me is the way the paragraphs are structured. They start with "YOU" are doing this, then switch to "I" do that, then switch back to "YOU" are doing... In my mind, each paragraph belongs to a character. Sharing the paragraphs this was makes the reader work more than he/she should.

All in all, this isn't a story by my definition. There's no beginning where the characters and setting are introduced. The middle has no interaction between the characters and no dialogue. (In this case "she" could even be talking to herself.) And no ending.

Why are these characters in the forest? Who are they? Do they know each other or are they strangers? What happens in the end? Are the characters better off? Do they learn anything about themselves? Too many questions left unanswered.

All that said, I liked the idea. The writing is, maybe a bit flowery for Lit, but still clean. The logic/action errors are not serious. But I would have liked to seen more. Still, a good first story.


And, Elle, are you saying I still write viginettes after all these years with my 2500 to 3000 word stories?

 

[sr71plt]

And, Elle, are you saying I still write viginettes after all these years with my 2500 to 3000 word stories?

Sigh. Yes, I do so wish that writers seeking feedback would not be advised there are desired wordage lengths (other than the arbitary rules set by the Web site) to strive for. There aren't. A good work takes the number of words required to do what it set out to do. Either too few or too many words, and it doesn't hit the right balance to really be good. Yes, if there was some formula of exactly what and how much "had" to go into a story (or vignette--I don't know of any rule against posting vignettes here), a wordage goal would be relevant. But then the works here would get very dull indeed very quickly. (Same thing about the "rule" that there "has" to be dialogue. No, there doesn't "have" to be dialogue--often the charm and power of a work is because it was all accomplished without dialogue--and still worked. It's just that it's harder to achieve success without dialogue.).

 

[sr71plt]

In fact, current buzz on short stories "requires" only dilemma/tension and change and/or resolution. Lack of "beginnings" isn't even a story killer anymore. I won a statewide short story competition last year with a 1,900-word story that started in the middle of a sentence of dialogue and ended in the middle of a thought (yes, on purpose--and, to boot, by design, only had one character speak throughout the entire story, although there was plenty of interaction). And it didn't deliver a resolution, it only pointed to a hopeful one.

This is a humongous site in terms of stories posting, and there's a wide range of interests on all sorts of scales. There's room for a lot of different takes on what a story is--and there likely are appreciative readers for any "type" of story that's written reasonably well. There's certainly room for a wide variation in wordage.

They don't give out Pulitzers and such for story formulas that were popular last year. This is a great platform for personal expression and experimentation.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Sr,
All my stories begin somewhere between 4000 and 7000 words. Then I start chopping. I chop everything that isn't absolutly necessary to the plot or to identify a character. In this process, I rewrite to combine sentences, change words to create images in the mind of the reader rather than discribe and make the story as short as possible. In the end, my stories end up 2500 to 3000 words, but there is no extra meat in them at all. I really believe that is about as short as a story can be and still make it as a story under my definition. Potentially, a story could be 1900 or 2000 words, but that would be really difficult to write.

The viginettes we see in this forum, like this story, consist of a single scene, usually centered around a fuck. They have no motivation, the characters are really unaffected by the scene and the "story" really doesn't go anywhere.

Howver, viginettes are a place for the young writers to start. If they can write a readable viginette, it's not that big a jump to a real story. But it does need to be pointed out that a viginette isn't a story and what they need to do to make that jump.