First story after a short break

[johndoe2007]

Feedback. Don't have had to read the previous chapters though it helps. And don't worry, I'm wrapping this series up soon, some people like it but most on these boards hate it for some reason.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=320845

 

[starrkers]

For some reason you refuse to hear the reason it is disliked.
On several occasions you have sought feedback. You have been told that you need to flesh out your characters more, that what you currently have is a name with no substance.
There is more to a person than their name.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

As Starrkers pointed out, you have asked for feedback several times in this forum, and have been given it. You know why your work isn't popular. You can't just take a name and write it into a story and expect readers to fall all over themselves.

 

[johndoe2007]

In all honesty. I hoped more than just the same people would give feedback. And even though it's unpopular. I'll write stories my own way.

Some people simply just don't want a master piece of literature to read.

 

[drksideofthemoon]

In all honesty. I hoped more than just the same people would give feedback. And even though it's unpopular. I'll write stories my own way.

Some people simply just don't want a master piece of literature to read.

I think we all try to write our stories our own way.

Just think of us like your inlaws, you're stuck with us.

I certainly don't try to, nor I have I written anything close to a masterpiece. The major problem with your work is that you are depending on celebrity's name to carry your story, and the truth of the matter is, it's not. If anything, you have a harder challenge in that you have to try to portray a living person.

You need to open your eyes, and see your work for what it truly is. When you can do that, then you will be able to improve on what you write.

 

[_Lynn_]

I tried to read it.

It's boring and your characters lacked depth.

Part way through I stopped reading when my eyes drifted shut.

My opinion only.
ML

 

[elfin_odalisque]

Think outside the box

If you have to write about celebs, write about fictional characters that we know- 24 - Desperate Housewives, etc. We don't know (or care) about the bathroom cycle of Lyndsey Lahon or Paris Hilton.

Your story, despite af ew plot and grammar issues, fails because you think we care about these celebs. They are all 2-dimensional.

Give us a plot here, a reason why these gimps step outside their protected world and liaise with the plebs.

This is why Celebs doesn't sell

 

[cloudy]

Why ask for feedback if you're not willing to listen to it? If you only want praise, then don't ask for "feedback."

 

[johndoe2007]

I asked for feedback hoping it be from different people (no offence) but obviously it's just the exact same people replying each time.

 

[cloudy]

I asked for feedback hoping it be from different people (no offence) but obviously it's just the exact same people replying each time.

No, you just want someone to tell you your work is a "masterpiece" (and it's one word, not two).

When you truly want to improve, then ask for feedback. We aren't trying to bash anyone in here; we're trying to help. If you can't accept that you're not perfect, you can't be helped.

 

[piltdownman]

As far as I'm aware I've never read or commented on one of your stories before now but I have to go along with what everyone else is saying... there's no life or interest in the story... your fourth of fifth word is misspelt.. 'I use..' instead of 'I used... ' etc... and seeing that early on doesn't bode well for whatever comes next.... Long sections of dialogue are more suited to screen plays.... they don't work too well in stories. When I saw that I didn't want to read anymore.... Sorry, but you asked.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Jesus H. Christ, John. Starrkers, Cloudy, Drk and the few others who bother to write comments in this forum have helped one hell of a lot of new writers on Lit. If you don't want to listen then don't post here.

What you have been told is correct. You characters are manniquins.

It takes a lot of time, effort and dedication to come here every day and read and comment on some of the worst stories on Lit. Appreciate it or just go away.

 

[Varian P]

You write decent, natural-sounding dialogue.

However, chapter nine of your story (I haven't read the rest) has the flavor of a self-obsessed person talking endlessly about himself to everyone and anyone who'll listen.

Instead of being drawn into a story, where I'm wrapped up in the sexual heat, or hanging in suspense, wondering what will happen to this person or that person, I'm left wondering, what on earth do any of these people see in each other? No one is funny or sweet or acerbic, or anything to make them fun to read, or to explain the various attractions that are supposedly at the core of the story.

The premise of your story hinges on the reader believing that these two women are vying for the love of Jason. As it is, I can't even suspend my disbelief that anyone would go on a second date with him.

You need to either make Jason a compelling, attractive character, or else make the story about the strange emptiness/need of the others that he mysteriously fills. Make me care who he chooses, or anxious that he's going to end up with nothing after his game-playing.

At the moment, I feel like I just got off the phone with an acquaintance who talked my ear off about his relationship problems.

Good luck.

 

[nlh_nhp]

I know I've just joined these boards but I've been reading on Lit for ages.

Varian P is right. You do write very good dialogue but you need to work on the overall format of your story.

I can see what you mean when you've said on previous occasion that you do have a story but I think it would flow much better if you had it as one long story or only 2 or 3. Because currently it looks like you stop too soon or before a story gets started.

 

[tickledkitty]

I don't think I've critiqued anything of yours before, so here goes.

I was only able to read a few paragraphs before I became completely disinterested and slightly disgusted. What the others have said before is true.

Why should I believe Jason is such a stud that all these big movie stars are fighting over him? Maybe he is, in fact, completely irresistable. Tell me why. Better yet, show me why. You seem to be just reporting the facts here. There's nothing interesting about that.

My feeling about Jason after only a few paragraphs is that he's a superficial name dropper. I don't like him at all. You've given me nothing to like. I can't empathize with him. There's just nothing there.

There are typos and minor grammatical problems. They are a turn off, especially when the story isn't interesting enough to hold my attention in the first place.

I don't really get the fascination with celebrities. Are you hoping that one of them will read this and be flattered by it? Maybe contact you? Sorry, but I just don't see the point. However, let me just end by saying there are lots of categories, preferences, etc. on Lit that I don't "get." I can still appreciate a good story though, regardless of the content, if it's well written. This is not.

People are trying to help you here. Take their comments in the manner in which they are intended.

 

[clownprince2008]

Like that other guy above I'm a newbie on these boards so don't get pissed off at me for my critisms. As a story I don't think it's great but I did kinda enjoy it only because I happen to be a fan of both Natalie Portman and Reese Witherspoon. This story is quite esoteric but it's still better than lot of other crap out there.