First stories posted - feedback welcome

[bobocity]

Hi there: I have two stories that have been posted, and I'd be interested in feedback from readers.

They are:

First Blush, a first-time story, and New Fun on the Beach, in Erotic Couplings.

First Blush is at: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=244721

New Fun is at: http://english.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=244689

Someone's pointed out that I changed one of the character names halfway through the story in "New Fun", and I'm waiting for a repost to correct that error. Other than that, I'd be happy to get feedback from anyone who is either impressed by the story or depressed by the waste of a few minutes reading such crap.

I'll try to reciprocate by being a feedback provider as well.

Bobocity

 

[Sissy Adele Howells]

Nothing wrong with this "First Blush"

Hi
Only had time to read "First Blush" and thought it was very good. Enjoyed the second part of the story best because you broke off into different lines for your dialogue. Shame you didn't do that in the beginning. Still no matter. Saw one spelling mistake which is nothing.I'm sure you will find more than that in my stories. Will read the other again as I haven't time tonight and give you my comments. Keep writing and maybe add chapters to some of your stories. Good luck.
SISSY ADELE

 

[Sarah Davies]

New Fun on the Beach

Wow! That was hot.

It took a while to get started though.

If you really want to appeal to both sexes give some thought to the female orgasm too. Maybe in your next story you can explain how the girls get hot, describe how they get horny and come too.

I'm looking forward to the next one.

Sarah

 

[bobocity]

Thanks to the feedbackers

I appreciate the feedback, and that most of it was positive!

I think you're right, Sarah, that I could delve into the female side of the experience a bit more, although it would have been hard to do that with a first-person narrator.

I'm working on something for the Earth Day contest that will be almost exclusively female, and is a third-person viewpoint, so maybe you can check it out when it's posted and see if it generates heat for you too.

 

[Uncle South Loop]

Liked 'em both - especially New Fun

KEEP WRITING! I liked your 2 first. New Fun was HOT and hit home because I took a cruise last April with a shore excursion to the ruins of Tulum.

 

[Penelope Street]

I only read the first few sentences of "New Fun on the Beach" before I started skimming. This opening didn't grab me at all. I didn't sense any tension, plus the narrative becomes a history lesson after a few lines of dialogue.

This is a common way to open a story, show us a glimpse of the characters, then stop the action to tell us about them. Many authors, me included, have used this technique, but I don't think it's the best way to tell a story, mostly because that's exactly what it is- telling instead of showing. I'd much rather see the characters as they continue to interact, revealing the important aspects of their history and personality along the way.

"First Blush" held my attention better. I'm still not sure what that first line means, but I liked the tension in the opening- I may not know everything about the characters right away, but I know enough about the narrator to go to the car show with him.

I admit I've never been to a real car show, but I can't imagine lesbian strippers being on the schedule. It was impossible for me to suspend my disbelief there.

Even with the above reservation, I still found it a clever little tale. Also, in retrospect, is it true he really spends most of the day wanting to die?

 

[bobocity]

I only read the first few sentences of "New Fun on the Beach" before I started skimming. This opening didn't grab me at all. I didn't sense any tension, plus the narrative becomes a history lesson after a few lines of dialogue.

This is a common way to open a story, show us a glimpse of the characters, then stop the action to tell us about them. Many authors, me included, have used this technique, but I don't think it's the best way to tell a story, mostly because that's exactly what it is- telling instead of showing. I'd much rather see the characters as they continue to interact, revealing the important aspects of their history and personality along the way.

"First Blush" held my attention better. I'm still not sure what that first line means, but I liked the tension in the opening- I may not know everything about the characters right away, but I know enough about the narrator to go to the car show with him.

I admit I've never been to a real car show, but I can't imagine lesbian strippers being on the schedule. It was impossible for me to suspend my disbelief there.

Even with the above reservation, I still found it a clever little tale. Also, in retrospect, is it true he really spends most of the day wanting to die?

Thanks for the feedback -- it's taken as constructively as you intended it, with appreciation.

One FYI though -- I got the idea for "First Blush" from a video shot at a car show. (http://www.thatvideosite.com/view/888.html) I felt bad for the kid, and decided to (a), make him legal, and (b) give him a much happier ending.

I have one other story out there, and would be happy to hear what you thought of that one, and hope to have another one up soon as well.

Bobocity.

 

[kbate]

"Blush".

As Penelope said, I had some difficulty with the concept of a $5.00 open to the public car show featuring live lesbian sex on stage. By the time I passed that, I was rather expecting the brother and sister to have it off, rather than an apologetic screw from the hot lesbians.

I did not find any fatal sins in the writing, although I do believe I am probably (according to lit stories) the only woman in the world who does not have her bra size printed in large letters on her chest to help people know exactly how large they are not.


"Fun"

Has too much passive voice writing to be truly hot. The story is fine, I didn't see any reason for the big buildup for the trip, the internet planning and all of that for what was essentially a sex on the beach story. It wasn't bad, but I just felt like I was being dragged along to the inevitable finish. Nothing in the story rocked me or said "read on, I'm good".