First Stories Finally Published!

[curiositykitten]

My first two stories are finally on Lit and I would welcome your comments - I have already received some from my editor and plan to make some editorial corrections, but thought I'd go ahead and get comments from others so hopefully one final edit will satisfy me. I am a writer who continually revises, so at some point, I have to let go - I'm just trying to decide whether to continue since this style is brand new to me and I am personally invested in my stories at this point as my imagination awakens. Thanks for taking your time to read.

My first story is called "Preparing for My Lover," a simple romance about a woman preparing for her lover's anticipated visit.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=302364

The second story is called "A Winter Wonder," relating a mature woman's first experience with masturbation.
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=302366

THANKS to everyone who has expressed interest in reading my work! I will PM all those who have requested notification as well! Hope you enjoy!

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Preparing for My Lover

Pretty good, Kitten. The story has promise.

However, I found it difficult to read because of the length of your paragraphs and the excessive use of complex compound sentences. Typically, to be read on a computer monitor you should limit your paragraphs to 6 to 8 lines. After that it gets hard on the eyes and most readers will hit the back button pretty fast.

Your sentences are another matter. I picked this sentence at random -

"Running the brush repeatedly through its wavy lengths, I tilt back my head, enjoying its thick ash blonde softness falling against my back and shoulders, knowing my lover will be able to freely run his fingers through my hair without becoming entangled until the labors of our passions tousle it once again."

There at 52 words in this sentence, using gerands and adverbs. I had to read it three times to get all of if. The best advice I could give you is Make It Simple. There are two obvious things going on in this sentence. You are enjoying the feel of running your fingers through your hair and you are thinking of how your lover will enjoy it too. There you have it, two complete, though complex, sentences. Grammatically, I don't see anything incorrect about the sentence, it's just awkward to read.

Finally, I have to ask you, What is the action in this story? It seems you take a shower and fantasize about your lover. But where is the action? The story begins and ends in the same place. I think you could have developed this a lot more. The story is pretty short so you had lots of room. I think after the fantasy, the lover could have shown up and allowed this woman to interact. That would have made this much more interesting.

But, still a good start. The prose itself is superb - much more poetic than the usual Lit fair. Good job.

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

A Winter Wonder

This story is 857 words in five paragraphs. Again your paragraphs are a little long to read comfortably. Your first sentence reads:

"A cold, chilling wind blows outside... icicles dangle precariously from windowsills and porch railings... fresh, white, untouched snowdrifts cover the ground... warming rays of bright sunshine make trees and surfaces glisten... schools closed... another winter day. "

Ummmm. You have used the ellipsis incorrectly here. First, it is only used to denote an incomplete thought. For instance, "I think I should have caught the bus or maybe..." Secondly, there is never a space at the beginning or end of an ellipsis. What you have done here is make a long series of run-on sentences.

It should read, "A cold, chilling wind blows outside. There are icicles dangling precariously from windowsills and porch ralings. The fresh, white, untouched snowdrits cover the ground, while warming rays of bright sunshine made the trees and surfaces glisten. All the schools re closed. It is another winter day."

That makes it four, possibly five, complete sentences. Remember, Make is Simple.

You begin the second paragraph with:

"Mmmmmm... a warm tingle through, thrilling my body as I recall our lustful exchange, wishing I knew he would contact me again today."

I don't care for the Mmmmm. It's really unnecessary (also a space after the ellipsis). The next part of the sentence is a problem. This is your basic sentence. What follows after it is modifier.

"a warm tingle through" I've looked and I don't find the object of "through". I believe what you meant to write was:

"There was a warm tingle through my body" Then the rest of the sentence makes sense, except the word body is duplicated. So I would suggest, what you mean is something like -

"A warm tingle passed throug my body, thrilling me as I recall our lustful exchange. I find myself wishing I knew he would contact me again today."

One more problem - "today". Does that mean he already contacted you before on this same day? Or did you mean he would contact you today?

As I read on, I found these same thing replicated over and over. Just keep the sentences short and concise. Keep the paragraphs to 6 or 7 screen lines and most of these problems will disappear for you.

But again, I have the same comment I had about your other story. This is not really a story at all. There is no action. The character doesn't interact. The entire thing happens inside her head. This is more like flash fiction than a story. It's a great start, but you needed to keep going and it would have been great.

JJ

 

[curiositykitten]

Thanks Jenny - I appreciate your input very much! My initial fear in even posting that my stories were published is just what you said, they are not exactly even stories! Writing for computer readers is completely new to me, so I look forward to improving my style and creating an even better product in the future! Thanks so much for taking the time to look at my work!

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I haven't got time today to read your stories and comment, but I will tomorrow.

From what I've read, you should be more positive. Giving advice already means that people here think you have something about you.

Criticism is just an opinion. Start a debate about why you chose to do/write something and you'd be surprized what good advice flows.

People here want to encourage others to write. We don't bite, honest.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

As promised, I’ve got back to read your stories and I liked them. I’ve got a bit of a soft spot, though, for ‘stream of consciousness’ prose – probably because I can’t write it myself.

Your paragraphs are too long, not just because that is hard to read on a scrolling screen, but also because you don’t keep to the rules. A paragraph should just concern itself with one idea. Taking your first paragraph as an example, you have four different ideas.

[“As I think of my beloved and long for his passionate kiss, his warm embrace, his tender caress, the sound of his voice, I tremble with desire and the smoldering embers of passion in my soul urge me to ready myself for our anticipated contact. He lingers in my thoughts always, stirring the coals of excitement within my soul - the heat growing with hope of any communication.

Wanting to please and delight him as much as he does me, I begin my routine of preparation for my passionate and generously attentive lover. First brushing my teeth, my tongue slides across their pearly white smoothness, wondering what pathways my playful tongue and soft, moist lips may delightfully follow during our upcoming encounter.

As I undress slowly, I consider what lingerie I should choose to wear this evening to match my mood and desire. I search through assorted selections in pastel colors with touches of lace, revealing my nurturing, passive, romantic, and sensual nature. Or perhaps tonight's preference may be a bright, energetic, ruffled, flirty and teasing, playful piece.

Maybe a bold-colored skimpy number that's barely there will allow me to be seductive, tempting and more aggressively offer pleasure to my love. Black or rich, deep hues may reveal my mysteriously intense passion or perhaps I may choose to be pure, sincere and demurely innocent, wearing entirely white. But maybe for tonight, I'll simply slide a silky robe over my smooth, naked body to show my lover how ready and eager I am for his fervent lovemaking, to unite our bodies in uninhibited passion.”

You need four paragraphs. The same logic applies through the rest of the story.

Jenny questioned whether it was a story and, although I understand what she means, I think the problem is that you let too much ‘clutter’ creep in to a sensual account of semi-masturbatory pampering.

You dwell too much on the lover. You should be more egocentric.

Also, you could use the other senses a bit more. With the choice of underwear scene, you could touch it; rub it against you, that sort of thing.

The problem with your long, involved sentences is that we keep having to go back to see what noun your sub-clause is referring to. That’s not a complaint about your writing, your grammar is better than most on the site, just a point that you get a bit flowery sometimes.

Perhaps others will respond, but for me, there is a touch too much of adverbs and in IMHO not quite enough use of the senses –smell, touch, taste.

Nevertheless, ‘the proof of the pudding’ and all that. That pretty pink H proves that you are on the right track.

I’m off to read your second post with great expectation.