First Series

[Big Jay]

Hi all - Part Three of my series, “Candace’s Summer Internship” just published and Part 4 is in the queue. This is my first series I have followed through on, after a couple false starts. I am interested in a few things from this group:

1) Feedback - praise or constructive suggestions.
2) Series writing - how to keep going, and how to keep it fresh? I am thinking that requires more character development than a one and done, but not sure?
3) Any suggestions on plot twists for future installments?

Thanks!!!

https://literotica.com/s/candaces-summer-internship-pt-01

https://literotica.com/s/candaces-summer-internship-pt-02

https://literotica.com/s/candaces-summer-internship-pt-03

 

[tomlitilia]

I read the first chapter.
Here is what I liked:
You get across from showing rather than telling that young Candace is excited about her new professional life, that dressing the part makes her feel sexy, and that the story kink is about a petite girlfriend being fucked by some big cock.

Here is what works less well for me:
The story is a bit heavy on physical description, starting off with the first two words describing age and hair color. Also, I get that her petiteness is part of the kink, but is it really that important that she’s exactly 5'1" that it has to be mentioned three times on the first page? And the talk about cup sizes... :/

Some of it seems a bit irrelevant, like the part about getting dressed before the interview and the whole bit about her uncle getting her the interview. I think you could have started the story at the interview and include whatever backstory you deemed needed there.

The conversations are a bit wonky, and they don’t talk like real people to me. Referring to orgasms as commodities that can be owed is, to me, quite unerotic.

Technically, the language is pretty good, especially if this is your first try. Yet, punctuation could have been tightened up a bit with another round of proofreading.

I also started the second chapter, but the conversation about what exact dick sizes they had fucked and might fuck in the future became my exit cue.

 

[ChasPHX]

The feedback from tomlitilia was spot on. I read the first chapter and was going to say much the same thing.

Here's an experiment. Go to any library or bookstore and pull off any number of random books from the shelf and see how many start right in with a lengthy physical description of the MC. I doubt you will fine one. It reads as quite amateurish.

But I do want to hedge that comment a little. Because in the context of your story, it's very clear that physical body type and grooming and wardrobe are a big part of the erotic appeal you're going for. And more than a few successful Lit stories start this way (though I generally click away from them myself as soon as I get that kind of opening.)

How many times did I read about manicured nails? And high heels clicking on the floor? And formal female business attire? It was clearly intentional, but I think you need to work on ways to blend those references better into the ongoing story. FWIW, I happen to love office women in pantyhose, so you know, for some people it's going to work big time.

And as tomlitilia also pointed out, there are many irrelevant details. The MC knew the street address but not the suite number? What are we supposed to learn about her from that point? That's where your editing should come it.

I'm not a big series reader by any stretch. In fact I steer clear of them usually. But there are two ways to go about it that I see. You can write something episodic, where there is no overall plot per se. You don't need "twists." It's just a series of adventures. Think of episodic police procedurals like CSI whatever city.

Then there are series that are more like chapters in a book, with an overall plot and rising and falling action and dramatic reveals and all that good stuff.

For your story, may I suggest an intern who works her way through different departments of a large corporation? Perhaps the different departments offer different kinks for her to explore. Maybe each dept. is on a different floor and they all have slightly different dress codes. There's marketing. IT. Finance. Operations. Sales. All draw different personalty types and are fertile ground to either exploit stereotypes or play against them. MC has to change her look and adapt her style.

Perhaps as she works her way up the floor levels, her erotic encounters become more and more fulfilling as she searches for her fav kinks. She's only 18 yrs old after all... Gives you a chance to explore different categories too, if you want that.

 

[Big Jay]

Thanks

Thank you for the feedback. I will incorporate this advice into future installments.
They are scoring well but not quite as well as I would have hoped so maybe a change in approach would work.