First posted story on Literotica - opinions?

[PornGoddess2]

So i have a story posted; it's posted here because some chatters at another site knew i had written it but it was posted at a site you have to register to just read on and they asked if i would post it here.

So i did.

So anyone want to make a comment or two? (I got one e-mail feedback so far, but aside from telling me that it made him hard it wasn't very informative...)

 

[CWatson]

Hmm. Well, I gave it a skim (not a full read-through) and I didn't see anything wrong with it on a technical level. (I realize that doesn't sound particularly encouraging, but remember that, as an editor, I expect a story to be perfect. If I couldn't find anything wrong with it, it was. Congratulations. )

I think your main problem is a lack of commentary about Bob and Mary themselves. What you have is a nice sort of vignette about sex, but little character development. I would have liked to hear more about Bob and Mary's sex life (or lack of it), and for that matter the nature of their marriage. Why did Bob marry her? Why did Mary marry him? Why does Bob stay with her if he's so dissatisfied with their sex life? What does Bob feel? And what, for that matter, does Mary feel?--and, more interestingly, what does Bob think she feels?

I'll give you a hint (boy, I'm just quoting myself left and right today) -- sex, in itself, is boring. That's why porn is what it is: I'm sure it's enjoyable to the people doing the sex, but you and I, watching in the comfort and (I hope) privacy of our homes... we're only somewhat turned on. "Fingering, blowjob, P-I-V, ho-hum. Yawn." The ones that really get us going are the ones that engage our emotions--where we care, for one reason or another, about the people doing the sex. Stories are the same. A man watching porn is all well and good; but an interesting man watching porn? That's way better.

So, yes. Hope some of this helps.