first poems

[lowkeyberserk]

i want to write poetry... erotic poetry... i came up with these on the treadmill... am i doing it right?

sweat drips on glasses
muscles strain, miles to go
i dont think of her
------
a locked door opens
hands pull eyes plead sweet embrace
hot and wet in her
-------
chest rises and falls
tears spill on naked breasts
screen door bangs, truck starts

 

[UnderYourSpell]

i want to write poetry... erotic poetry... i came up with these on the treadmill... am i doing it right?

sweat drips on glasses
muscles strain, miles to go
i dont think of her
------
a locked door opens
hands pull eyes plead sweet embrace
hot and wet in her
-------
chest rises and falls
tears spill on naked breasts
screen door bangs, truck starts

You need more description, more imagery (unless you are going for something like haiku and I'm pretty sure this isn't) as I have no idea what the poems are saying. Are these three different poems? I presume so as they are divided up , to me the last one reads very much just like a list. Of the three I most prefer the second one although not quite sure what 'hands pull eyes plead sweet embrace' means unless there is some puntuation missing

 

[butters]

i want to write poetry... erotic poetry... i came up with these on the treadmill... am i doing it right?

sweat drips on glasses
muscles strain, miles to go
i dont think of her
------
a locked door opens
hands pull eyes plead sweet embrace
hot and wet in her
-------
chest rises and falls
tears spill on naked breasts
screen door bangs, truck starts

depends on what you are aiming for, if you really want a right and wrong answer

personally, i really like your first. sure these are not haiku, but there's more to ku that five seven five. but, for me, it has that 'turn' which makes it interesting. and the very fact the poem's narrator (or voice, if you will) states 'i don't think of her' kinda makes me smile, as the N is indeed thinking about her. even to try and not think about her - well, in one interpretation of how i read it. the other, would be the one where he's(?) cheating in one sense or another (internet porn/phone-sex/an affair) and he really is not thinking of her, or is losing himself in other stuff so as not to think of her ... it makes me think about it. see different versions. all of which work... for me it works far better than the other two. the third is better for me than the second, as it paints a sharper, more emotional image in my head, though as far as erotica's concerned i really think no.1 comes closest to its true sense. it's hazy ambiguity allows several interpretations and is definitely my favourite of the three, and the only one of them that stays with me at all.

welcome to the forum, and keep on writing and posting

 

[WickedEve]

am i doing it right?

I'm wondering if any of us are doing it right. lol

I agree with chipbutty. The first one is good.

 

[lowkeyberserk]

thank you for your feedback

 

[bronzeage]

i want to write poetry... erotic poetry... i came up with these on the treadmill... am i doing it right?

sweat drips on glasses
muscles strain, miles to go
i dont think of her
------
a locked door opens
hands pull eyes plead sweet embrace
hot and wet in her
-------
chest rises and falls
tears spill on naked breasts
screen door bangs, truck starts

The problem that faces everyone who tries to critique poetry is that it is much easier to recognize a bad poem than a good one. "Bad" pops out of the page. The longer it takes the reader to decide a work is "not bad", the better it is. At some point, it may even rate good or excellent.

The question of "doing it right" is even more difficult.

You have a series of loosely connected images, which attempt to create a narrative. There is no way to label this piece right or wrong. If you are trying to tell a story, much more is needed.

The first part only makes sense because you told us it was written while on a treadmill. The second is very disjointed. Why is the door locked? How does one open a locked door? When you stick a word such as "locked" in a line, it should have some significance. The third part is the most concise. The drama is clear, but the imagery is so sparse, the reader must create the entire scene from their own memories.

If the purpose of this poem is to share your experience with the reader and show them how you felt and reacted, then this is not the right way to do it.