first poem submission

[mpwiv]

Hello everyone. This is my first time writing. Through the encouragement of a friend, I was talked into submitting it. This one was written last summer. Let me know you you think. Thank you

So here I sit staring at the same four walls
not moving, not feeling
pushing loved ones away
not moving, not feeling
watching friends move away
not moving, not feeling

So here I sit staring at the same four walls
Wondering what is wrong with me
Afraid to try, afraid to fail
Wondering what is wrong with me
Afraid to reach out, afraid of pushing away
wondering what is wrong with me

So here I sit starting at the same four walls
Not moving, not feeling
Wondering what I'm done to myself
Wanting to break free, wanting to be me
Staring into the abyss and seeing myself stare back
Wanting to break free, wanting to be me

So here I sit staring at the same four walls
Can't sit still, can't stop feeling
Watching the light coming from all sides
Can't sit still, can't stop feeling
Looking outside and feeling myself break free
can't sit still, can't stop feeling

So here I walk outside those four walls
Not wanting to return, not wanting to forget
No longer afraid to try, no longer afraid fail
Not wanting to return, not wanting to forget
No longer afraid to love, no longer afraid to feel
Not wanting to return, knowing that it's not too late​

 

[Songcatcher]

quit your day job and come live with me.

 

[twelveoone]

"He who has a thousand friends
Has not a friend to spare,
While he who has one enemy
Shall meet him everywhere."

wasn't Ralph Waldo Emerson the guy that was hiding in the woods?

mpwiv everyone has to start somewhere, what you have wrote is more app for a song lyric.
repititon is a tool that can be used for great effect, but if you take it past three, you really have to be a master at it. Very, very few are, I stop at two.
count
Not wanting
No longer
I get the feeling you wrote this, with music in your head. Stop the music, focus on the words, does this sound familar? Do you get the feeling you may have heard this somewhere before. I did. I wrote it, probably will do so again, as will 1,000 other guys. It is what is known as a cliche, avoid them.
"So here I sit staring at the same four walls"
Twenty years from now, you will see this posted, and you will sit and wonder, as I just did, how in the hell did he get this, I thought I burned it.

Remember it, read this carefully, very carefully, they are not words of discouragement - you have courge, I didn't, but I remember these words.
Read
Read
Read
then write, don't let anyone tell you, you can't.
now if it was
"So here I sit staring at the same six walls"
well now you have to start explaining, that would be interesting

 

[mpwiv]

"He who has a thousand friends
Has not a friend to spare,
While he who has one enemy
Shall meet him everywhere."

wasn't Ralph Waldo Emerson the guy that was hiding in the woods?

mpwiv everyone has to start somewhere, what you have wrote is more app for a song lyric.
repititon is a tool that can be used for great effect, but if you take it past three, you really have to be a master at it. Very, very few are, I stop at two.
count
Not wanting
No longer
I get the feeling you wrote this, with music in your head. Stop the music, focus on the words, does this sound familar? Do you get the feeling you may have heard this somewhere before. I did. I wrote it, probably will do so again, as will 1,000 other guys. It is what is known as a cliche, avoid them.
"So here I sit staring at the same four walls"
Twenty years from now, you will see this posted, and you will sit and wonder, as I just did, how in the hell did he get this, I thought I burned it.

Remember it, read this carefully, very carefully, they are not words of discouragement - you have courge, I didn't, but I remember these words.
Read
Read
Read
then write, don't let anyone tell you, you can't.
now if it was
"So here I sit staring at the same six walls"
well now you have to start explaining, that would be interesting

I can see your point. Honestly, I didn't have a song in my head, it was just kind of my state of mind when I wrote it.

 

[twelveoone]

I can see your point. Honestly, I didn't have a song in my head, it was just kind of my state of mind when I wrote it.

I bow to your ability to accept the truth.

then write, don't let anyone tell you, you can't; as long as you listen, you get better.

20 years from now...I hope you smile, in rememberence.

 

[Guest]

Hello everyone. This is my first time writing. Through the encouragement of a friend, I was talked into submitting it. This one was written last summer. Let me know you you think. Thank you

So here I sit staring at the same four walls
not moving, not feeling
pushing loved ones away
not moving, not feeling
watching friends move away
not moving, not feeling

So here I sit staring at the same four walls
Wondering what is wrong with me
Afraid to try, afraid to fail
Wondering what is wrong with me
Afraid to reach out, afraid of pushing away
wondering what is wrong with me

So here I sit starting at the same four walls
Not moving, not feeling
Wondering what I'm done to myself
Wanting to break free, wanting to be me
Staring into the abyss and seeing myself stare back
Wanting to break free, wanting to be me

So here I sit staring at the same four walls
Can't sit still, can't stop feeling
Watching the light coming from all sides
Can't sit still, can't stop feeling
Looking outside and feeling myself break free
can't sit still, can't stop feeling

So here I walk outside those four walls
Not wanting to return, not wanting to forget
No longer afraid to try, no longer afraid fail
Not wanting to return, not wanting to forget
No longer afraid to love, no longer afraid to feel
Not wanting to return, knowing that it's not too late​

I'd have to agree with twelveoone on this. It does sound lyrical, which isn't a bad thing, but for poetry, you'd have to take out the repetition. I think it has potential, and if you'd cut out some of the repeated lines, it would be much better. Remember you can always replace words with similar ones to lessen repetition. Works for me! Don't count how many times I said repetition.

I can tell it was written straight from the heart. I've been here, and it's not a very pleasant feeling, is it?

Keep writing and reading others work. It helps out a lot.

Thanks for sharing.