First Person POV, help please!

[Lying Eyes]

I'm having problems with over doing it with the words: I, my, her in all three of my stories which are written in first person point of view.

Any sugestions in order to get me from being so reliant on those words? Or any advise in general when writing in first person POV?

Here is a paragraph from my last story "The Truth Shall Set You Free" which illustrates my dependence on using them:

(I) opened my mouth wider and sucked (her) stiffening nipple into (my) mouth as (my) tongue played with the sensitive areola. (My) teeth lightly grazed the rigid nipple as tongue and nipple met tip to tip. (I) could spend all night there but unspoiled treasures awaited discovery. (I) released (my) lips from (her) nipple as (my) tongue licked downwards. (My) tongue paused to lather underneath the breasts and continued down the path of glory. (My) tongue stopped at (her) cute belly button, it probed inside the small hole leaving a trace of moisture from (my) tongue. (My) hands caressed (her) breasts and pinched (her) nipples as she lay on the bed. Once again, (I) continued until (I) reached (her) panties. What marvelous panties! They matched (her) bra with lovely red flowers embroidered on the black fabric. As (I) did with (her) bra (I) gave each red rose a soft peck. (I) heard a moan come from (her) lips and she whispered, "Please." (I) smiled; soon (I) would kiss the prettiest flower of all

 

[Guest]

Ok, I just won a writing contest so I'm feeling generous. You need to think about "writing" versus speaking (or telling a story without language structure). If I had written the paragraph below on my own I'd call it crap, but I didn't want to thoroughly rewrite your work. If you study it, compared to your original, you might figure out something of how writing works.

I'd guess you thought it'd be a matter of cutting out the pronouns, but the thing is you need to think differently about how to say what's in your head, i.e., describing a scene non-literally.

best to you, Perdita

I opened my mouth wider and sucked in the stiffening nipple as my tongue played with the sensitive areola; teeth lightly grazed the rigid nub as it and tongue met tip to tip. I might have spent all night there but unspoiled treasures awaited discovery. I released my mouth from her tit. Licking downwards, pausing to lather underneath each breast, I continued to the path of glory. My tongue stopped at her cute belly button, probing within the small hole and leaving a trace of moisture. My hands caressed her breasts and pinched the nipples, while my mouth continued on its southern trajectory until reaching panties. What marvelous panties! They matched the bra with the same lovely red flowers embroidered on black. I gave each new red rose a similarly soft peck. A moan left her lips and she whispered, "Please." I smiled knowing a a kiss for the prettiest flower of all would soon be delivered.

 

[The Mutt]

One good thing about first person stories is that you don't run into the "which her is her" problem. Since I often write group scenes, I have to go back through them and fix problems like - She took her soft breast in her hand and guided her radiant nipple to her mouth.
Hunh?
Speaking of radiant nipples, Congrats, perdita!

 

[Couture]

(I) opened my mouth wider and sucked (her) stiffening nipple into (my) mouth as (my) tongue played with the sensitive areola. (My) teeth lightly grazed the rigid nipple as tongue and nipple met tip to tip. (I) could spend all night there but unspoiled treasures awaited discovery. (I) released (my) lips from (her) nipple as (my) tongue licked downwards. (My) tongue paused to lather underneath the breasts and continued down the path of glory. (My) tongue stopped at (her) cute belly button, it probed inside the small hole leaving a trace of moisture from (my) tongue. (My) hands caressed (her) breasts and pinched (her) nipples as she lay on the bed. Once again, (I) continued until (I) reached (her) panties. What marvelous panties! They matched (her) bra with lovely red flowers embroidered on the black fabric. As (I) did with (her) bra (I) gave each red rose a soft peck. (I) heard a moan come from (her) lips and she whispered, "Please." (I) smiled; soon (I) would kiss the prettiest flower of all

How about...I sucked her nips, then made my way down to her money maker.

"Ahh- welcome to Wendy's can I - oh god - can I take your order please," she said.

I couldn't believe that she had the presence of mind to continue taking orders at the drive through, while I knelt hidden behind the counter servicing her on my knees. I grabbed her firm young ass and pulled her tightly to me, and attacked her clit with a vengeance.

"Oh fuck - oh fuck -I'm cumming - you dirty bastard," she cried.

Her knees growing weak as she came - pelvis thrusting against my face - her weight bearing hard on my shoulders.

She ran her fingers through my hair, her desires sated.

"You want fries with that?"

Anyway, your problem isn't so much the I and her. Your problem is you have a huge ass paragraph where practically nothing happens. I know you could spend all night making your way to her treasures, but the reader probably can't.

So break it up. Four to five sentences per paragraph tops. Add some dialog. Let her do some stuff. Use her name in some places. Cut some text. Then everything should be fine.

 

[cantdog]

Not feeling patient tonight, couture?

 

[Lying Eyes]

Thanks Perdita and Couture.

Anyone else have anything to share with dealing with first person POV?

 

[Colleen Thomas]

Thanks Perdita and Couture.

Anyone else have anything to share with dealing with first person POV?

I deal with it by not using it


It's realy too much of a pain in the Tush for me. Kudos for working with it and I hope you get more good advice

-Colly

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It seems to me that it's not your use of pronouns that's the problem. As I see it, there are two things wrong with this: (1) your sentence structure is too monotonous, and (2) it’s all a list of what you did, nothing about her or how she responded or what she was doing.

(1) There’s way too much “I verbed her object as I verbed her object while my hands verbed her object… My tounge verbed her object, it verbed inside. My hands verbed her breasts and verbed her nipples…” We quickly notice the repetitious rhythm and it begins to grate, as you’ve noticed.

(On a purely mechanical note, you might try occasionally starting a sentences with a participial phrase: “Opening my mouth, I sucked her stiffening nipple as my tongue… Lightly grazing the nipple, my tongue met her tip to tip…” But watch it. Repetitious participial phrases are easy to overdo and even more annoying than what you’ve already got.)

(2) This is also way too much a shopping list of what you did to her: I did this and I did that. Then I did this and then I did that. It almost has the feeling of solo sex. In my opinion, sex is not about what one person did to another, it's about what they both do to each other. It's interaction. There's no interaction here.

There are other things you should be telling us: How did she respond to all these things you did? (Always very sexy) How did you react to her responses? What did you feel while you were doing this, and what were you thinking about? In the whole thing, I think the only thing you tell us about her is that she “laid on the bed”.

It’s really a matter of your ‘ear’ and what sounds good to you. I can only tell you how I would do it, which would be to radically alter the sentence rhythm by throwing in more sensual concrete detail about what she was doing and my own feelings. Something like:

“I opened my mouth… as my tongue played with the sensitive areola, teasing it, circling it, licking it with long, catlike strokes. I scraped my teeth against it and smiled as I felt it harden under my lips. She ran her fingers through my hair and suddenly seized hold of it, trying to force my mouth more tightly against her, arching her back and thrusting her breast into my mouth in an attempt to stop my teasing but I fought her off, refusing to be rushed or hurried. I wanted her to need me. I wanted her to need me with the same hungry urgency with which I needed her. My teeth..."

Okay, it’s awfully purple and a bit over the top, but you get the idea.

Hope that helps.

---dr.M.

 

[Lying Eyes]

Hope that helps.

---dr.M.

It did, thanks doctor


I could solve the problem easily by going Colleen Thomas's route and avoiding using first person perspective POV from now on but two of my stories may get turned into several chapters and I guess I have to keep the same POV. Other's have told me that it isn't the best POV for a beginner but it seemed the most natural way to write to me.

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It did, thanks doctor


I could solve the problem easily by going Colleen Thomas's route and avoiding using first person perspective POV from now on but two of my stories may get turned into several chapters and I guess I have to keep the same POV. Other's have told me that it isn't the best POV for a beginner but it seemed the most natural way to write to me.

I've just about always found first-person easier to write than third. It's always easier to report on what you yourself are thinking and feeling than it is to have to try and figure out and explain somebody else. And it's okay to come out and tell the reader how you felt in first-person, where in third-person that gets into the "show don't tell" thing and feelings should really be expressed by the things the character does.

Usually in reading porn I to prefer third-person. Otherwise I can get jealous of the narrator, stupid as it sounds.

---dr.M.

 

[shereads]

Something like:

“I opened my mouth… as my tongue played with the sensitive areola, teasing it, circling it, licking it with long, catlike strokes. I scraped my teeth against it and smiled as I felt it harden under my lips. She ran her fingers through my hair and suddenly seized hold of it, trying to force my mouth more tightly against her, arching her back and thrusting her breast into my mouth in an attempt to stop my teasing but I fought her off, refusing to be rushed or hurried. I wanted her to need me. I wanted her to need me with the same hungry urgency with which I needed her. My teeth..."

Okay, it’s awfully purple and a bit over the top, but you get the idea.

Hope that helps.

It does. It helps a lot, thank you.











Oh...You meant helping with writing, didn't you. Nevermind.

 

[Lucifer_Carroll]

Here's my rule on first person POV. I only use it when I'm doing stream of consciousness. Using it to have big descriptive paragraphs about actions is an attempt to personalize a third-person experience. I would focus heavily on the emotions and thought processes behind the actions rather than the actions themselves, though I have found that the lit audiences get rabid sometimes when you only lightly use the "oh fuck. I'm cummmiinnnnggg"s. Anyway, that's just one demon's viewpoint.