first meeting question

[corkie2]

Hello all,

I was approached this week by a man that I met online who wants to get together for dinner and a first meeting. He is a Dom who is about 2 years younger than I am (50) and divorced. So there is not real generational differences.

My concern is that he said in his replies to me during a IM chat last nite that my insistence on no sex (not even oral) at this meeting was very out dated. He implied to me that I was being very old fashioned and therefore a prude! His one statement was "We are way past the Victorian age". He went on to say that it was his job as a "Dom" to "push me" and "challenge me to do new and daring thing's that would push me to explained my limits".

I told him that I felt that I needed to get to know someone before having sex with him of any kind. I went on to say that I felt that I was worth taking the time to get to know me so I could learn to trust him. I have way to much respect for myself to be pressured into having sex of any kind with a total stranger based on his saying he is a "Dom" and the other things he said to me. He got very offended and threatened to end the discussion and move on! I told him this was his choice! But wanted to know his reason........he said if I did not trust him we were wasting our time! (sheesh!!)

He calmed down a bit when I explained to him that I felt that trust was something that was earned not something a person just automatically gained because someone "said" they could be trusted.

So when did sex become something so casual and expected? Am I really that old fashioned? Is having sex (even oral sex) something that has become expected on a first meeting? If so I am going to have alot of trouble finding a Dom.

 

[A Desert Rose]

There is nothing wrong with you or your choices.

You're not old fashioned.

You're just fine, in every sense of the word!

There are Doms who will appreciate you for being sane and smart.

Give it time and keep looking.
You might suggest that he keep doing the same thing. ;-)

 

[MastrJ]

While a good Dom may seek to push your limits, what he's saying doesn't count in the least. You're not a prude and if you feel strongly about getting to know someone before engaging in any sort of sexual activity, stick to your guns. You'll be able to find a Dom that is willing to respect you eventually.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I can't see anything wrong with what you are proposing in 'no sex' on the first meeting. Has nothing to do with pushing limits or facing challenges, and though I could be off base, in my experience the ones who take the attitude your contact has are often either not Doms and just looking for easy sex, Doms but think it all has to do with sex and nothing else, or do not respect the submissive and therefore make a bad choice for Dominant.

While searching I met many Dominants who also applied the same rule you do, and not all of them were that old, some as young as 26 so it seems perhaps he is the one lost in the swinging 60's and you are the one moving more with the times where you value the person and yourself, and are aware the risk of STD's is much more serious than times gone by. Good luck in your search...there are good ones out there.

Catalina

 

[NCShin]

I think you already know what to do and you're just questioning yourself because of what he said.

I'm 29, so a few years of difference in age, but I would never EXPECT to have sex on a first meeting with any woman. You just started talking to this man. I don't think him being a dom has anything to do with anything.

Unless you both indicated that you were interested in meeting with the intent to have sex, I don't think there is any reason for him to expect it. Want it, hope for it, sure, he's a man so that is the norm, but to expect something from someone he hasn't met yet in my opinion is just wrong.

Now to belittle you becuase of the way you felt about the situation that he created is just manipulative. He's attempting to make you think to yourself that it is wrong to not want to have sex with him.

It isn't wrong, and he knows that just as well as everyone here. He is looking to meet for sex and nothing more. Move on, he isn't worth your time. Without talking to him I'd be willing to put a few bucks on the fact that he isn't even a dom and is just using that in an attempt to get laid.

 

[WriterDom]

I suggest you fuck him. And then go to the bathroom and write on the mirror with lipstick, "SORRY BUT I HAVE AIDS." Tell him you left a bag in your car and leave.

 

[catalina_francisco]

I suggest you fuck him. And then go to the bathroom and write on the mirror with lipstick, "SORRY BUT I HAVE AIDS." Tell him you left a bag in your car and leave.

Not a great idea if he has an STD though...or takes it seriously and seeks legal advice.

Catalina

 

[WriterDom]

Not a great idea if he has an STD though...or takes it seriously and seeks legal advice.

Catalina

April fools

 

[catalina_francisco]

April fools

LOL, too late...it's 6 PM here.

 

[boz]

Well, let me throw in my support for your stance.

Trust is earned, not to be assumed just because he says he's a Dom, or George Bush, or the Dalai Lama.

Sex, especially because of STDs, AIDS, and even more so in a D/s situation, involves trust. Now, if he had turned out to be particularly desirable, you might have regretted your stance later, but that's your choice to make and possibly regret, not his.

 

[A Desert Rose]

I see nowhere in that post where he is excited about meeting YOU.

Appears to me that his interests lie elsewhere.

Keep walking, dolly. And take it from me... there are plenty of wonderful Doms out there who are more worth your time.

 

[incubus'_sub]

Whilst I actually agree with your stance & your reasons for it, I can also see this situation from another angle.

You say that he asked to meet you only this week, but did not say how long you have been communicating online. We have been quick to support you & condemn his haste, but is it possible that your previous conversations with this man could have led him to believe that you were interested in real B&D rather than the virtual kind & also that your friendship had already developed enough to take the next step?

 

[Scarlett_t2]

I applaud you. I have talked to many who just threw caution to the wind and did something they later regreted. I myself want to get to know someone, ask questions and see if we have the same intrests and desire's.

Your not old fashion at all......just one smart lady!!!!!
Scarlett

 

[corkie2]

He contacted me about 3 week's ago after having read my profile that is on "another site". We exchanged about 4 ~ 5 e-mail's when he asked me to call him and gave me his phone number. At that point it was so far so good. Then after a nice looong phone conversation we said our goodbyes and exchanged Yahoo IM information and chatted twice.

It was during the second time chatting on Yahoo IM that he brought up wanting to meet for dinner this week. After I had said that yes that would be nice he replied that he spoke of looking forward to seeing how good of a cock sucker I am. When I replied that someday he just might do that he said well we would be seeing each other for dinner in a few day's and he would be able to find out then.

That is when his attitude stated to change. He implied that my telling him no sex upon a first meeting was very old fashioned. I replied that so be it...it was the way I felt. That I prefer to have a chance to get to know someone and learn to trust them before moving on to a next step. LOL He really took offense at this and said that the Victorian Age was a long time ago and if I did not trust him there was no sense in meeting.

When I still didn't back down he suggested he supposed we could just do a bj in the back seat of his car!! I still didn't back down and he agreed to meet without any guarantee that sex would happen! *shakes head*

I haven't spoken to him today or seen him online so nothing has happened since. I have decided if he does contact me again. I have not given him my phone number or any personal information. That is one thing I am glad of!

It just goes to show that if you throw a person enough line the real person will show themselves. By sticking to my gun's about not agreeing to have sex without ever seeing him the fact that what he really wanted was just an easy lay came out! I truly believe that is what he wanted.

You no......the funny thing is if he would have just let it go and we had clicked he just might of gotten laid that nite!

 

[MissTaken]

I have been reading this thread and want to applaud you Corkie.

Too often we get swept away by the fantasies and romanticism and can be led into a situation we didn't really want. You have handled this well.

As for your questions, is sex and intimacy taken less seriously now? Is it viewed as something more lightly engaged in than years past? Or is it simply that we are more free to talk about it and hence, are more aware of other's perceptions of their sexual activity and the role it plays in their fun, relationships or good times?

 

[NCShin]

You no......the funny thing is if he would have just let it go and we had clicked he just might of gotten laid that nite!

That is why I think he's pretty dumb.

I've in my life only met 3 women off of the internet. When we met I was lucky enough to click well with all 3. I never EXPECTED anything when we finally went out. Sure I had a good idea of what might happen and I figured that as long as they didn't find me repulsive in person that we'd likely end up in bed.

Putting a woman on the spot like that can never be good when you've never met the person before. D/s vanilla, it doesn't matter.

Good luck if you do decide to meet him. Stick to your guns though.

 

[WriterDom]

Only 3 weeks and he is demanding a blow job on the first meeting? He must not know that women are just as horny as men, sometimes more so, and if you treat them with kindness and respect you'll end up with all the blow jobs, pussy and ass fuckings you can handle. It might take more that one meeting for the switch to flip, but now he is going to be alone Saturday jerking off.

 

[FungiUg]

I have done the "sex on first meeting" thing, normally with women I have gotten to know really well online. But it's the exception, not the rule, and I wouldn't EXPECT it of anyone.

Generally I prefer to get to know someone at least a little well in person, before sex happens.

By the way, anyone who tries to challenge you by saying "oh. but that's not fashionable" etc... well, it's all about using peer pressure to manipulate. What I like about BDSM is that manipulation can come out in the open, rather than this behind-the-back kind of manipulation. I wouldn't recommend someone who does that as a Dom (or for that matter, a sub.)

So stick to your beliefs, and be yourself. Remember, you have to live with yourself every day! And if he doesn't respect that in you, well it's not particularly promising that he will respect any other boundaries you might have either.

 

[SweetDommes]

Hello all,

I was approached this week by a man that I met online who wants to get together for dinner and a first meeting. He is a Dom who is about 2 years younger than I am (50) and divorced. So there is not real generational differences.

My concern is that he said in his replies to me during a IM chat last nite that my insistence on no sex (not even oral) at this meeting was very out dated. He implied to me that I was being very old fashioned and therefore a prude! His one statement was "We are way past the Victorian age". He went on to say that it was his job as a "Dom" to "push me" and "challenge me to do new and daring thing's that would push me to explained my limits".

I told him that I felt that I needed to get to know someone before having sex with him of any kind. I went on to say that I felt that I was worth taking the time to get to know me so I could learn to trust him. I have way to much respect for myself to be pressured into having sex of any kind with a total stranger based on his saying he is a "Dom" and the other things he said to me. He got very offended and threatened to end the discussion and move on! I told him this was his choice! But wanted to know his reason........he said if I did not trust him we were wasting our time! (sheesh!!)

He calmed down a bit when I explained to him that I felt that trust was something that was earned not something a person just automatically gained because someone "said" they could be trusted.

So when did sex become something so casual and expected? Am I really that old fashioned? Is having sex (even oral sex) something that has become expected on a first meeting? If so I am going to have alot of trouble finding a Dom.

At 24 and 26, Holly and I insist that first meetings with boys are stricktly non-sexual and non-D/s. We feel that we need to be able to get along with the person in every day stuff, talk to them and trust them after seeing them face to face and looking them in the eye before we will do ANYTHING with them... We don't allow them to serve us beyond what most would consider to be normal chivalry/gentleman type behavior (opening doors/pulling out chairs is allowed, cleaning the house isn't ... even if it's needed - LOL). The one exception to this was one who spent more than just a few hours with us ... but I think after the first 24 hours, it doesn't really count as a first meeting, does it?

Sex is not casual and expected by all people - you are perfectly within your rights to have that limit. If he cannot respect it and you, then he doesn't deserve you.

Miss Karen
Miss Holly

 

[Netzach]

I'd say this wasn't the norm. I'd say this guy is the least smooth operator I've ever heard of.

And that can sometimes be a good good thing.

I'm all for the casual fuck. I'm a new woman. I like cock. Sex is fun with condoms and no strings.

But being pressured into it after the first dinner out? Being mentioned before you've even sat down to food?

Whadda fuck?

Pretty lame.

 

[SweetDommes]

I'd say this wasn't the norm. I'd say this guy is the least smooth operator I've ever heard of.

And that can sometimes be a good good thing.

I'm all for the casual fuck. I'm a new woman. I like cock. Sex is fun with condoms and no strings.

But being pressured into it after the first dinner out? Being mentioned before you've even sat down to food?

Whadda fuck?

Pretty lame.

I agree ... we have fuck buddies, which is a great thing - but this guy seems to be a total loser.

 

[NCShin]

I agree ... we have fuck buddies, which is a great thing - but this guy seems to be a total loser.

OK folks, lets take it a little easy

Who knows, maybe she'll go out with him and he'll be her dream come true.

 

[SweetDommes]

OK folks, lets take it a little easy

Who knows, maybe she'll go out with him and he'll be her dream come true.

Only if he can and will respect her and her wishes/limits. If he can't, then she needs to look for someone who will. Maybe he was just testing her to see if she would stick to them, but even so, he doesn't sound like anyone that we would suggest that anyone go out with.

 

[Netzach]

Well, just by simple casual horndog etiquette 101 he would have removed himself from MY running, NCShin. If nothing else, for lack of pickup style.

You wanna go to coffee sometime? My strap-on needs an outing.

--see what I mean?

 

[corkie2]

Well, here it is Sat evening and I sit here all alone. lol I have not hear from this guy in several day's and don't think I will. I feel that I scared him off by sticking to my gun's. lol

I am afraid he could not handle me after all. I warned him that I was not your normal every day subby......lmao hehehe!!!

Oh well, he is not what I was looking for after all. I want a real man who will love, cherish, respect and care for me as well as use and enjoy me and my body with great regularity!!