First literotica story.. Feedback please?? :)

[nicolax]

Hello everyone, I posted in here a couple of days ago before my story was uploaded to the site, it's on now so I was wondering if people would like to have a little read and then give me some feedback / constructive criticism??

The link to the story is here: http://www.literotica.com/s/scare-fair-ch-01

Thanks for the help, and I hope you all enjoy what you read.

Nicolax

 

[PennLady]

Hmmm. I just read this. It's got some issues -- for example, you switch from past tense to present and then back again. There were a few things that a spell check misses, such as when you said "single sole" when you meant "single soul." Can't say it did much for me. It's like you dropped all of these cryptic hints, and I know you plan to explain them, but a little more explanation or background would have helped here.

 

[Lien_Geller]

Horror needs tension and deeper description.

Just to let you know, I’m a pretty inexperienced amateur author without any real qualification in literature. Still, I read a lot and I know what I like. So take my thoughts as you like.

Alright, let’s dive right in and splash around shall we? The biggest problem with this story is that you tend to gloss over some important areas. For example if it were me writing this I’d spend a little time describing Jack hanging out with his friends and setting the scene of the fair before moving forward. This would highlight his sudden isolation in a creepy environment and establish the situation better.

When you get to parts of the story that are intended to send a chill up the reader’s spine you tend to lose points in very simple areas. Let me say that the idea of going to a carnival and finding yourself alone in a room with an old hag who just keeps staring at you is un-nerving. You clearly have no problem conceiving scary situations. Where you often trip up is in describing the situations.

‘Sat at the desk was an elderly woman, clearly attempting to be some sort of witch.’

That’s all the description I get? Firstly you’re assuming my definition of ‘witch’ matches the one you want to convey. I’m guessing you want me to picture an old crone with a few wisps of white dangling from her scabby scalp. She’s looking at the protagonist with bulging bloodshot eyes that stare on, soullessly and silently. That’s more or less the feeling you want me to pick up right? Well I could quite easily (and actually did at first) just picture the Wicked Witch of the West. She’s what usually pops into people’s heads when picturing the stereotypical ‘evil witch’ and unfortunately she’s not all that scary.

Most authors and writers will say that a good rule to follow is ‘less is more’ and usually it is. Unless you’re writing horror or fantasy. The reader needs to know what exactly is creepy about your monsters. Pick two or three things about your characters to define them as more than just cardboard cut outs and describe them properly. You do this again later with ‘the voice was slow and dreary, like you’d expect a ghost to sound like if you ever bumped into one.’

Relying on the reader’s expectations is fine if you want to establish something mundane or gloss over something trivial.

“Bob arrived at Molly’s house, it was your typical detached abode in the heart of suburbia.” Is fine if Bob’s about to pick Molly up and take her somewhere else for an adventure. The house isn’t important.

“Tim pulled up to the old house, it was an average run down shack.” Isn’t good if you’re trying to set up the house as a foreboding place wherein Tim is about to encounter something spooky.

Descriptive writing is a part of storytelling that can be abused. No one wants to read five pages of the author describing a random teacup of no importance. On the other hand if you rely too much on the reader’s imagination to fill things in then they might conjure up something else entirely to what you want to convey. The trick is finding the right balance. You have to set up a solid framework that the reader can build on with their own imagination. I don’t want to be told something is scary. I want you to scare me. There’s a difference. Look into building tension and establishing the uncanny. There’s plenty of places online to pick up hints and tips.

As far as the actual things going on in the story, it’s not bad at all. You just really need to spend more time fleshing out your ideas. I don’t want to put you down but this reads like a rough first draft of a promising horror story.

Anyhoo, keep at it and I’m sure you’ll flourish in no time. Hope this helped a little and I apologise if anything I’ve said comes off as overly harsh. It’s hard to publish your stuff for others to read in the first place.

 

[PennLady]

Lien makes some good points.

I thought about it some more, and I agree that you need more description, and also more action.

I think it might have worked better if Jack was not alone. If there'd been a group hanging out, and then perhaps they'd broken up into groups of two or three to go to the fair. Then when everything stopped and Jack turned to his friend -- who would have been stopped as well -- that might have added another level.

One thing that's tough to remember is that you're writing it and you have it in your head. You know what everyone looks like, or is thinking, or what the surroundings look like. But the reader doesn't and so you have to tell them. I have to say with the woman at the desk, I got a totally different picture than Lien -- I pictured some old woman with white hair, dressed like a secretary.

Less is more is good, but you need to figure out when less is less and more is necessary.