First line...

[togitc]

Opening Line Game...

Provide a first line to open a story. I found a book a while back that was incrediously over priced and was full of first lines for stories. Anything works, just one sentance or bit of dialogue.

Keep the famous book quotes to a minimum, 'original' ideas are usually better.

Think of it as a tool/game to use. Here it goes:

**** ** ** ** * ****

"That is it?"

The street lamp flickered outside, setting the world in maltese light.

"What are you doing up there?"

 

[BlackShanglan]

There's a book, technically a children's book, called "The Mysteries of Harris Burdick." It's by Chris Van Allsburg. It's a lovely thing, for it's such a delightful concept. It comes with an introduction that frames it all by claiming that a man named Harris Burdick once wrote the publisher asking if he would publish his illustrated stories. To give them an idea of what he had, he sent them the titles and, for each story, one illustration with a one-sentence caption from somewhere in the story. The publisher (claims the fictitious introduction) thought they were great and was eager to see the complete works - but Harris Burdick had neglected to include his address or any contact information, and he never wrote again. Eventually, the publisher published what he had: for each story, a title, one line from somewhere in it, and a single picture (Van Allsburg's excellent and very complex black and white pencil work).

It's a wonderful book.

Shanglan

 

[togitc]

That isn't the one I saw. It was about $15 for a book of opening lines seperated by section.

 

[BlackShanglan]

That isn't the one I saw. It was about $15 for a book of opening lines seperated by section.

Oh, I didn't think it was. No one could describe this one as overpriced. I was just mentioning it because you reminded me of it, and because it's so very good.

 

[joeys-game]

I awoke, still shivering, still remembering the dream, it had seemed so real!

 

[BlackShanglan]

"Just a bad boy, eh?" he said with a grin, tapping the crop's sleek black tip against his palm.

 

[Microwave0ven]

"Just a bad boy, eh?" he said with a grin, tapping the crop's sleek black tip against his palm.

oh that sounds like a good one!!

 

[Tom Collins]

I watched the sensual play of muscle under flesh as the ebony equine strutted my way, its hooves shanging on the cobbles, its regal bearing telling the world that this was no ordinary horse.

 

[Aurora Black]

From an upcoming story...

"Another day, another hospital visit."

 

[kromen]

If somebody told me beforehand that this was my last day on Earth, I wouldn't have hit the snooze button.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

He was at my register every single day with his shaved head and tribal tattoos, and it was always the same bizarre thing--a 64-count box of crayons, two Slim-Jims and a box of Cracker Jacks.

 

[neonlyte]

"His accountant first suggested divorce, Simon should have had the wit to shout him down; to have made a joke out of divorce, to pass it off as an idiotic notion was to court fate, and fate is fickle when it comes to the lives of men."

 

[FallingToFly]

(I can't just do an opening sentence, so here's a couple of opening lines from Heart like a Serpent- something I'm working on.))

It wasn't the things that were said between them. It was all the silences before, between, and especially after those things that were spoken, that turned the charred rubble of their hearts, and lives, into a foundation to build love on.

Or, if you want an opening sentence to work off of:

"I hate you more than I love you right now," she said as she lit a cigarette and poured another three fingers of his premium vodka into the cut glass tumbler on the table before her.

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

There's a school of thought about openings that contends it's best not to open with a long quote. The theory being readers have no idea who is speaking and once they do, may stop to re-read the quote. Since the goal of opening lines is to "hook" the reader into continuing on to the next sentence, paragraph, page, etc. that's probably not a good thing.

I keep a list of opening lines I especially like. Here are a few:

It is a truth universally acknowledged that a single man in possession of a good fortune must be in want of a wife. Pride and Prejudice, Jane Austen

--

It was the best of times, it was the worst of times... A Tale of Two Cities, Charles Dickens

--

Call me Ishmael. Moby Dick, Herman Melville

--

Happy families are all alike; every unhappy family is unhappy in its own way. Anna Karenina, Leo Tolstoy

--

They shoot the white girl first. Paradise, Toni Morrison

--

My mother was a virgin, trust me... Emotionally Weird, Kate Atkinson

--

There once was a boy named Eustace Clarence Scrubb and he almost deserved it. Voyage of the Dawn Trader, C S Lewis

--

"Take my camel, dear", said Aunt Dot as she climbed down from the animal on her return from High Mass. The Towers of Trebizond, Rose Macaulay

--

It was a bright cold day in April, and the clocks were striking thirteen. 1984, George Orwell

--

If you really want to hear about it, the first thing you'll probably want to know is where I was born, and what my lousy childhood was like, and how my parents were occupied and all before they had me, and all that David Copperfield kind of crap, but I don't feel like going into it, if you want to know the truth. The Catcher in the Rye, J.D. Salinger

--

(And now, last but least, its appearance an exhibition of pure hubris, is the opening line from one of my Lit stories:

Sensual and seductive, she lay amid the rumpled sheets of the bed where we'd just made love—relaxed and at ease within the golden skin of her petite, perfect body—not posing, not looking at the camera so much as through it, into the photographer, into me, waiting with an expression of amused tolerance for me to finish and rejoin her. A Special Photo

Rumple Foreskin

 

[imalickin]

I am contemplating the opening line of a new story of mine (non-erotic).

I have to deside on one of these...

Wind swept and barren the war torn valley was awash in blood flowing like rivulets down hill to the stream which ran down the middle separating the two adversaries.

The wind swept barren valley, awash in blood flowing in rivulets down hill to the stream which separated the two adversaries.

Gusts of wind, stirring up little dust demons, swept the barren war torn valley awash in blood of two adversarial forces, which ran in rivulets down hill to the stream that separated the two armies.

The crimson rivulets of blood flowed down hill across the wind swept barren valley to the stream which separated the two armies fighting for domination of the planet.​

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

I am contemplating the opening line of a new story of mine (non-erotic).

I have to deside on one of these...

Wind swept and barren the war torn valley was awash in blood flowing like rivulets down hill to the stream which ran down the middle separating the two adversaries.

The wind swept barren valley, awash in blood flowing in rivulets down hill to the stream which separated the two adversaries.

Gusts of wind, stirring up little dust demons, swept the barren war torn valley awash in blood of two adversarial forces, which ran in rivulets down hill to the stream that separated the two armies.

The crimson rivulets of blood flowed down hill across the wind swept barren valley to the stream which separated the two armies fighting for domination of the planet.​

Just a subjective, in my opinion, but they all may contain a bit too much info. The primary mission of a first sentence isn't to inform or even set a mood, but to hook the reader. Only the author can decide what's best for their story. But here's one possible alternative to the first option.

org: Wind swept and barren the war torn valley was awash in blood flowing like rivulets down hill to the stream which ran down the middle separating the two adversaries.

rev: Rivulets of blood flowed down barren hills to the stream separating the adversaries.

There are about a million alternative. Of those, at least 999,999 are probably better.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[imalickin]

Just a subjective, in my opinion, but they all may contain a bit too much info. The primary mission of a first sentence isn't to inform or even set a mood, but to hook the reader. Only the author can decide what's best for their story. But here's one possible alternative to the first option.

org: Wind swept and barren the war torn valley was awash in blood flowing like rivulets down hill to the stream which ran down the middle separating the two adversaries.

rev: Rivulets of blood flowed down barren hills to the stream separating the adversaries.

There are about a million alternative. Of those, at least 999,999 are probably better.

Rumple Foreskin

thanks rump but yours' is just a little too short for my style. i'll keep working on it though.

 

[Selena_Kitt]

This one needs a couple commas...

Wind swept and barren{,} the war torn valley was awash in blood flowing like rivulets down hill to the stream which ran down the middle{,} separating the two adversaries.

-----

This one has no predicate... what did the wind swept barren valley do? There's no verb to tell us....

The wind swept barren valley, awash in blood flowing in rivulets down hill to the stream which separated the two adversaries.

-----
This one is a bit of a run-on and a little awkward...


Gusts of wind, stirring up little dust demons, swept the barren{,} war torn valley awash in blood of two adversarial forces, which ran in rivulets down hill to the stream that separated the two armies.
------

This one is a little but of a run-on, too, and a little awkward... and the "domination of the planet" phrase is a little much...

The crimson rivulets of blood flowed down hill across the wind swept barren valley to the stream which separated the two armies fighting for domination of the planet.

 

[angelicminx]

Russell had a fetish. (Lustful Leeves Ch. O1)

 

[BlackShanglan]

... its hooves shanging on the cobbles ...

That's brilliant! It really is just the word for it. Clever, clever Tom.

If somebody told me beforehand that this was my last day on Earth, I wouldn't have hit the snooze button.

That one would have me reading.

Rumple, I thought your examples wonderful. I've always particularly loved the lines from Austen, Lewis, and Orwell. It's got me thinking about other good opening lines:

-- "'What's it going to be then, eh?' / There was me, that is Alex, and my three droogs, that is Pete, Georgie, and Dim, Dim being really dim, and we sat in the Korova Milkbar making up our rassoodocks what to do with the evening, a flip dark chill winder bastard though dry." -- Anthony Burgess, A Clockwork Orange

-- "In Moulmein, in lower Burma, I was hated by large numbers of people – the only time in my life that I have been important enough for this to happen to me." -- George Orwell, "Shooting an Elephant" (Orwell really does have some great ones)

-- "When in the Course of human events it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bands which have connected them with another and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the Laws of Nature and of Nature's God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation." -- Thomas Jefferson et al, "The Declaration of Independence"

-- "In the beginning there was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God." -- John, the Gospel according to John

Truly, John's opening is remarkable, and I say that wholly in the literary sense. If one looks at the other three, one really sees it.

Matthew starts with "The book of the genealogy of Jesus Christ, the son of David, the son of Abraham:" and continues on for sixteen verses of begats. It's the classic example of starting with static backstory, no action, and no voice.

Luke is more personal in voice, but lengthy and self-focused rather than reader-focused: "Inasmuch as many have taken in hand to set in order a narrative of those things which have been fulfilled among us, just as those who from the beginning were eyewitnesses and ministers of the word delivered them to us, it seemed good to me also, having had perfect understanding of all things from the very first, to write to you an orderly account, most excellent Theophilus, that you may know the certainty of those things in which you were instructed."

Mark does better; after the conscientiously clear "The beginning of the gospel of Jesus Christ, the Son of God" - which isn't a bad hook if you're talking to people who haven't heard of him - he gives us some lines from prophecies that he says are now fulfilled and instills some curiosity. "As it is written in the Prophets: / "Behold, I send my messenger before Your face, / Who will prepare Your way before You." / "The voice of one crying in the wilderness:/ 'Prepare the way of the Lord; / Make His paths straight.'" All right, that's got me curious.

But then there is John. He really is a writer's writer. Everyone else starts with words and promises eventually to get to something about the spirit; only John starts by telling me that the words I am reading are spirit. He leaps right in at the deep end of utter mystery: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. / He was in the beginning with God. / All things were made through Him, and without Him nothing was made that was made. / In Him was the life, and the life was the light of men. / And the lights shines in the darkness, and the darkness did not comprehend it." Symbolic, dense, difficult, enticing, beautiful puzzle!

Yes, I know; there are translations that make this a simpler passage. There's this, for example: "In the beginning was the Word, and the Word was with God, and the Word was God. / The same was in the beginning with God. / All things were made through him. Without him was not anything made that has been made. / In him was life, and the life was the light of men. / The light shines in the darkness, and the darkness hasn't overcome it." But who on earth would want to read that when he could read the other?

They're a fascinating little literary study; four authors trying to tell essentially the same story, but radically different in their approaches. I think they've got a good deal to teach us. I can't see anything but a sense of absolute duty coaxing me through Matthew; if I had never heard of his message before, I would throw the thing down after the first eight begats. But John ... John's got me reading.

Shanglan

 

[Tom Collins]

... its hooves shanging on the cobbles

That's brilliant! It really is just the word for it. Clever, clever Tom.

Shanglan

*bowing theatrically to everyone's fav horsey*
Thanks, Shangy.

 

[gauchecritic]

from something I doodled while the teacher was droning

Augustine Monk hated her father. She had hated her father for fifteen years, eleven months and 27 days. Tomorrow was her birthday.

 

[TheEarl]

Wow Shang. Just a beautiful reminder of why I like you so damned much.

I've just had a quick browse through my library to find first lines. The best I've found is: 'The style is the man,' once said Richard Nixon and devoted his life to boring his readers. That one's from The Dice Man by Luke Rhinehart.

The Earl

 

[3113]

The street lamp flickered outside, setting the world in maltese light.

I'm a little confused by this one.

Maltese:
1) A native or inhabitant of Malta.
2) The Semitic language of the people of Malta.
3) Any of a breed of toy dogs having a long silky white coat.
4) A Maltese cat.

Am I just being too literal here or is there another meaning for maltese that I'm missing?

 

[3113]

I am contemplating the opening line of a new story of mine (non-erotic).

I have to deside on one of these...

Wind swept and barren the war torn valley was awash in blood flowing like rivulets down hill to the stream which ran down the middle separating the two adversaries.

The wind swept barren valley, awash in blood flowing in rivulets down hill to the stream which separated the two adversaries.

Gusts of wind, stirring up little dust demons, swept the barren war torn valley awash in blood of two adversarial forces, which ran in rivulets down hill to the stream that separated the two armies.

The crimson rivulets of blood flowed down hill across the wind swept barren valley to the stream which separated the two armies fighting for domination of the planet.​

Honestly speaking, I'm not fond of any of these. What would capture me is if the blood running in rivulets was coming from someone's body--either our main character's or his/her victims body. That blood adding to the river, as it were.

That would draw me in because I'd instantly care about anyone who is wounded--or any soldier who had just killed someone.

Just my humble opinion there.