First go, love some feedback

[ScarfaceJ]

Hi there, I had my first go at story writing, posted in the 'Incest' section.

I would love some feedback on it if you would like to?

It can be found at

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=301807

Kelly: The Stepsister


Thanks in advance

 

[cloudy]

I don't normally read incest, but I'll give it a try...

Your second paragraph literally slings me out of the story. It's telling me way too much. If you think these things are necessary to know, show me. Does the fact that they are three months apart move the story along? No. A "beautiful body" means different things to different people. Maybe you could work it in throughout the story, using something like "Kelly stood with one hip cocked out to the side, accentuating her curves," or some such stuff.

Although Kelly was his step sister, Rick still fancied her. Well who wouldn't? She was blonde, had a beautiful body, and most of all had a fabulous pair of tits (which Rick had always wanted to get his hands on!) They were the same age at 18, born 3 months apart, but had never really shared any kind of friendship. The only draw back was her father. Since marrying Rick's mum 3 years ago he'd taken a disliking to Rick which had meant Rick had to move away.

You have some horrendous run-on sentences - they really need to be broken up. Try reading the following out loud without running out of breath:

Rick watched her as she downed a shot of something or other and got off with one of the younger guys at the bar, squeezed her breasts together to show off her cleavage; (not that it wasn't already exposed, in what could be the smallest top Rick had ever seen) whipped up her skirt showing a tiny black pair of French knickers, to whoops and cheers from the crowd of men, staggered towards Rick and fell out of the doorway.

You skip some dialogue that would work better, IMO. I would have used: "Rick nodded in agreement, then added, 'I'll take you to one of my favorite hangouts. You'll like it, I promise,' The bit about the bed and the sofa is really awkward:

Rick just agreed and said he'd take her to a nice comfy bar with sofa's and a bed.

Run-on (I'll stop with this one, but I think you get the point):

They passed their parents on the way up the hill back to the apartment and it seemed they were having a pretty good time too, and had drunk a bit too much themselves. Rick assured them he would look after Kelly and make sure she got to bed alright before settling down himself.

There are several really, really long paragraphs. Long paragraphs are hell on the eyes when reading from a computer screen. Be kind to your readers, and break them up some.

I stopped there, because there are some that ask for feedback, and when I'm honest with them, they get their panties all in a twist. If you'd like, I'll have a go at a quick edit, and PM it to you, or email, whichever you like. If you want me to email it, just PM me your email addy.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

I agree completely with Cloudy, so I won't repeat the points. If she is offering an edit, I think you'd be crazy not to take her up on it. She gives good advice.

I think the story suffers from not getting the readers 'in the action'. It reads like, 'you'll never guess what happened to me on holiday'. You use Rick almost as a first person narrative - Rick saw, watched, knew, felt, cringed - so Kelly doesn't become a real person.

More dialogue would help. It is really a two-person story and telling the tale much more by conversation between Rick and Kelly would put us in the bar, on the doorstep or in the apartment. The sex scene in particular reads like a commentary and loses urgency. The use of other senses, smell, sound, taste would be good too.

Still, all those things will come in time. We all have to start somewhere and I think you've got the makings of a popular writer here.

Good luck

Elle

 

[Jenny_Jackson]

Yep yep. Needs dialogue and a good editor.

My measure is to take any consecutive 40 lines of text and count the number of dialogue lines. Most good stories will have about 30-40% dialogue after the story gets going. I counted 2 lines in your entire story. This isn't always true. Some storys are good and have no dialogue at all. But those are rare.

 

[ScarfaceJ]

Thats cool, thanks for the opinions.

Being my first story I'm pretty happy with it, things can only get better as they say!

If anyone wants to edit it, please do, my email is jfincham35@hotmail.com

Thanks