First ever erotic story (Gay?)

[Aronkim]

Hi! I am so excited. I've been approved. My first ever erotic story. Any feedback would be super awesome.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=365696

 

[freshface]

Anonymous theater sex is not really my thing. Having said that, I like your writing style. You had a couple of laugh out loud moments that made me want to stick with your story. The breezy style worked really well for your narrator. I especially liked the paragraph where you talked to the audience. Besides being funny, it was a good explanation for your reluctant narrator.

I would strongly recommend using a spell checker, and perhaps a second reader. Tripping over typos tends to pull me out of the moment. Words like "uderstood," "idignation," "wich," and "feak" were common enough to disrupt the flow. The spelling nazis will probably also object to misspellings like "vaudville" and "eunich".

There were also some sentences where your fingers may have gotten away from you. For instance, "He let go off my of my cock and concentrated on my balls."

Overall, I thought it was good.

 

[SemiColon]

I really liked it, actually. I liked the line that they liked tiger but voted for bush, and parts made me laugh. Keep writing!

 

[Aronkim]

Thanks for the feedback

Anonymous theater sex is not really my thing. Having said that, I like your writing style. You had a couple of laugh out loud moments that made me want to stick with your story. The breezy style worked really well for your narrator. I especially liked the paragraph where you talked to the audience. Besides being funny, it was a good explanation for your reluctant narrator.

I would strongly recommend using a spell checker, and perhaps a second reader. Tripping over typos tends to pull me out of the moment. Words like "uderstood," "idignation," "wich," and "feak" were common enough to disrupt the flow. The spelling nazis will probably also object to misspellings like "vaudville" and "eunich".

There were also some sentences where your fingers may have gotten away from you. For instance, "He let go off my of my cock and concentrated on my balls."

Overall, I thought it was good.

Thanks, Freshface. I really appreciate it. Yeah, I'm not the greatest typist. And the program I am working with is very basic (no spell check) but that's a lame excuse as I ahve been told I that I could paste text into Yahoo e-mail and get a decent spell check. And I just noticed a couple of sentences like the one your pointed out. Thanks for that feedback. I'm happy. I think I will spring for a proper WORD program and keep writing.

 

[freshface]

Thanks, Freshface. I really appreciate it. Yeah, I'm not the greatest typist. And the program I am working with is very basic (no spell check) but that's a lame excuse as I ahve been told I that I could paste text into Yahoo e-mail and get a decent spell check. And I just noticed a couple of sentences like the one your pointed out. Thanks for that feedback. I'm happy. I think I will spring for a proper WORD program and keep writing.

You could also go with Open Office for free if you're just looking for a word processor. Should you choose to repost it after the spell check, simply submit it like you did last time, with Pilgrim - EDIT in the title and a note in the comment box to replace the old version.

 

[Guest]

Oh, yum. Such potential! Witty and clever. You do a very nice job of dropping us in the middle of the action (which turns out to be raw and gritty, steamy and naughty).

Be careful of beginning so many sentences with "I." I moved, I relaxed, I tried - it does become distracting.

I agree with fresh, you should enlist the aid of a solid proofreader or editor. Don't let silly typos interfere with a solid and sexy story.

Keep writing!

 

[Aronkim]

I see.

Oh, yum. Such potential! Witty and clever. You do a very nice job of dropping us in the middle of the action (which turns out to be raw and gritty, steamy and naughty).

Be careful of beginning so many sentences with "I." I moved, I relaxed, I tried - it does become distracting.

I agree with fresh, you should enlist the aid of a solid proofreader or editor. Don't let silly typos interfere with a solid and sexy story.

Keep writing!

Thanks for the advice. There are quite a few "I"s. Any fixes to suggest? This is a first person singular story, right? Sorry school was a long, long time ago.

 

[tickledkitty]

I thought this was just great, especially for a first submission. Yes!! Keep writing and find yourself an editor. Well done.

 

[ellynei]

Loved it!

Really did, 'twas really great.

-=(o)=-

There was a few things that bothered me at the beginning though.

I would have liked some kind of section mark between the first and second paragraphs. Just so it becomes easier for the tired and/or otherwise 'blood to brain'-deprived reader to follow that we are switching time and place.

Apart from my desire for subsection mark second paragraph took a few moments for me to decipher.

--quote:--

I was just about to blow a load, so I slowed my stroke a little. It was Friday evening and I was on the latter half of my Friday ritual. Rather than go all the way out to the burbs and then back in for post work-week fun and frolic, I had a beer at the bar near my office, then walked down to where the movies were XXX. I usually killed an hour or so before meeting friends at the regular place across the river for the Friday festival of drunken drunkeness and hooking up. A good wank after work made me more relaxed, sociable and less likely to caveman the first woman I saw at the bar. "Me think you hot!"

--quote end:--


First read for me was: first wanking to near blow, then had a beer at bar at office, then walked down to where movies were XXX... Somewhere around there I realized I musta read wrong. Didn't make sense if the guy first wanked, then had a beer and then went to watch XXX movies.

I've come to the understanding some writer's don't use pre-past tense (or whatever the english call it) because of loss of immediacy. But if others read this paragraph like I did, it would be adviseable to do something like:


--not a professional edit:--

I was just about to blow a load, so I slowed my stroke a little. It was Friday evening and I was on the latter half of my Friday ritual.

Rather than go all the way out to the burbs and then back in for post work-week fun and frolic, I had had a beer at the bar near my office, and had then walked down to where the movies were XXX.

I usually killed an hour or so before meeting friends at the regular place across the river for the Friday festival of drunken drunkenness and hooking up. A good wank after work made me more relaxed, sociable and less likely to caveman the first woman I saw at the bar. "Me think you hot!"

--end of the not professional edit.--


Before paying any attention to anything I say please notice this disclaimer:

(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make complete sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)

.

to reiterate

Really loved this story.

 

[Aronkim]

Loved it!

Really did, 'twas really great.

-=(o)=-

There was a few things that bothered me at the beginning though.

I would have liked some kind of section mark between the first and second paragraphs. Just so it becomes easier for the tired and/or otherwise 'blood to brain'-deprived reader to follow that we are switching time and place.

Apart from my desire for subsection mark second paragraph took a few moments for me to decipher.

--quote:--

I was just about to blow a load, so I slowed my stroke a little. It was Friday evening and I was on the latter half of my Friday ritual. Rather than go all the way out to the burbs and then back in for post work-week fun and frolic, I had a beer at the bar near my office, then walked down to where the movies were XXX. I usually killed an hour or so before meeting friends at the regular place across the river for the Friday festival of drunken drunkeness and hooking up. A good wank after work made me more relaxed, sociable and less likely to caveman the first woman I saw at the bar. "Me think you hot!"

--quote end:--


First read for me was: first wanking to near blow, then had a beer at bar at office, then walked down to where movies were XXX... Somewhere around there I realized I musta read wrong. Didn't make sense if the guy first wanked, then had a beer and then went to watch XXX movies.

I've come to the understanding some writer's don't use pre-past tense (or whatever the english call it) because of loss of immediacy. But if others read this paragraph like I did, it would be adviseable to do something like:


--not a professional edit:--

I was just about to blow a load, so I slowed my stroke a little. It was Friday evening and I was on the latter half of my Friday ritual.

Rather than go all the way out to the burbs and then back in for post work-week fun and frolic, I had had a beer at the bar near my office, and had then walked down to where the movies were XXX.

I usually killed an hour or so before meeting friends at the regular place across the river for the Friday festival of drunken drunkenness and hooking up. A good wank after work made me more relaxed, sociable and less likely to caveman the first woman I saw at the bar. "Me think you hot!"

--end of the not professional edit.--

Thanks Ellynei. Thoughtful feedback. Everyone is so nice and taking my story so seriously. I love it. I see what you are saying about the big, wordy paragraph from hell.

I think the first paragraph for me is the invocation, the thing that puts my thoughts in the story, lays down the track I will eventually follow.

I think you have taought me that I need to go back to the invocation, after I have written a while or after the whole story is finished, and rewrite it for the reader and not for me.

I'm more of a journal writer, so I selfishly don't think of the reader. But you and the other nice folks here are changing that.

Once I finish mowing the 'Lawn of Infinity' (That's a real lawn folks, not some clever comment on cunnalingus) I plan on fixing this story. And I plan on reading and commenting as much as possible. I just hope I have something to give back.

And, if while doing my part I end up masturbating until I have to switch hands because of the cramping...well, that's just a risk I am willing to take No, no, don't thank me.

 

[ellynei]

And, if while doing my part I end up masturbating until I have to switch hands because of the cramping...well, that's just a risk I am willing to take No, no, don't thank me.

Well if your hands starts cramping too much, you can always take a break from the hotness by looking at some of my stuff (Wanted to make this comment in a Private Message but yours isn't activated).

 

[Guest]

Laughing - excellent! (There are a lot of cramping hands around here!)

Please stop by in the Author's Hangout and make new friends.

 

[Aronkim]

Cloaked

Well if your hands starts cramping too much, you can always take a break from the hotness by looking at some of my stuff (Wanted to make this comment in a Private Message but yours isn't activated).

I think I managed to activate 'private messages'.

How does one create an Avatar?

One misses being nine and capable of figuring everything out.

 

[freshface]

I think I managed to activate 'private messages'.

How does one create an Avatar?

One misses being nine and capable of figuring everything out.

In the Literotica forums, what you can do depends on how many posts you've made. For a quick guide on signatures, avatars, etc, try this link.

One thing that I missed for a distressingly long time after I started posting is the messaging interface. If you go to the bottom of the same page where you turned on private messages, you'll see a box called "Miscellaneous Options." Change the selection from "Basic Editor" to "Standard Editor" and you get all sorts of extra tools for posting.

 

[tickledkitty]

You need to have made 100 posts to have an AV. Then, lucky you, you get to figure out how to get one up there, which is sometimes not an easy task.