First erotic story - looking for feedback

[rosebud_6]

hi there,

i've written my first erotic story and am looking for some feedback. it's just a short one so shouldn't take too long to read. any comments would be helpful.

thanks in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=338138

 

[deja_silver]

hi there,

i've written my first erotic story and am looking for some feedback. it's just a short one so shouldn't take too long to read. any comments would be helpful.

thanks in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=338138

Read, enjoyed and feedback left, thanks for the hint

 

[rosebud_6]

thanks for the feedback.

off to see a movie now are we? hehe.

 

[Camilleon]

I like your story - especially the simple story line. I prefer a bit more description in stories, but honestly, I'm beginning to wonder if my stories spend too much time in description. Reading yours, I can feel the story line moving. I like that.

Be aware, I'm no writer. So what I think is only an untrained opinion.

Nevertheless, I do have many fond memories of sex in a car....

Thank you for the story.

Camilleon

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=337127

 

[Rumple Foreskin]

hi there,

i've written my first erotic story and am looking for some feedback. it's just a short one so shouldn't take too long to read. any comments would be helpful.

thanks in advance.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=338138

Rosebud, that was a nice, hot vignette. There are a fair number of writer-type miscues, but they're the type you'll learn to spot and avoid in later stories. Here's a few items:

I agree with Camilleon that a bit more description would help give readers some idea about the era, setting, character's age and things like that.

You tend to repeat yourself: As they were sitting in the car on the way to the drive in, she started thinking of all the other dates they'd had together. On previous occasions In this case, the first sentence makes the opening to the second one redundant.

Don't use dialogue tags unless they're absoltutely needed to avoid confusing readers. In the following exchange, there's no one in the scene except the couple:

"Are you ready?" he asked.

"Yes, let's go." Was her reply.

Since no one else is around, readers will assume the second speaker is, Sylvia.

You never say what happened to the flowers he gave her.

The opening scene does nothing to hook the reader or advance the story. The primary goal of an opening should be hooking the reader's interest so they want to continue reading. Don't waste that valuable space with information that isn't needed or can be included later in the story.

And finally, here's one of those "oops" mistake we all make.

Sylvia was touching up her red lipstick in the bathroom when the doorbell rang. When she opened it Paul was standing there with a large bunch of flowers.

It is, I'd imagine, a real chore to open a doorbell.

Don't get discouraged. While a first effort, your story is among the better ones here at Lit. Study the "craft of writing" and keep writing and your stories could be among Lit's better ones, period.

Rumple Foreskin

 

[rosebud_6]

I like your story - especially the simple story line. I prefer a bit more description in stories, but honestly, I'm beginning to wonder if my stories spend too much time in description. Reading yours, I can feel the story line moving. I like that.

Be aware, I'm no writer. So what I think is only an untrained opinion.

Nevertheless, I do have many fond memories of sex in a car....

Thank you for the story.

Camilleon

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=337127

Thanks for your comments camilleon.. much appreciated. more descriptions.. gotcha! the reader can't see what's happening in my mind right?

 

[rosebud_6]

Rosebud, that was a nice, hot vignette. There are a fair number of writer-type miscues, but they're the type you'll learn to spot and avoid in later stories. Here's a few items:

I agree with Camilleon that a bit more description would help give readers some idea about the era, setting, character's age and things like that.

You tend to repeat yourself: As they were sitting in the car on the way to the drive in, she started thinking of all the other dates they'd had together. On previous occasions In this case, the first sentence makes the opening to the second one redundant.

Don't use dialogue tags unless they're absoltutely needed to avoid confusing readers. In the following exchange, there's no one in the scene except the couple: Since no one else is around, readers will assume the second speaker is, Sylvia.

You never say what happened to the flowers he gave her.

The opening scene does nothing to hook the reader or advance the story. The primary goal of an opening should be hooking the reader's interest so they want to continue reading. Don't waste that valuable space with information that isn't needed or can be included later in the story.

And finally, here's one of those "oops" mistake we all make. It is, I'd imagine, a real chore to open a doorbell.

Don't get discouraged. While a first effort, your story is among the better ones here at Lit. Study the "craft of writing" and keep writing and your stories could be among Lit's better ones, period.

Rumple Foreskin

thanks rumple foreskin (cool name by the way!)

all points have been noted.. and i'll try to edit my story and keep all of the above in mind when i write my next story..

you're a very good editor!

 

[Camilleon]

Thanks for your comments camilleon.. much appreciated. more descriptions.. gotcha! the reader can't see what's happening in my mind right?

Rosebud,

Actually, I can see what's happening in the overall story. But the nuances, the flavor of those moments is uncertain to me.

For instance, your story says, "He lifted up her top and took one of her nipples inside his mouth."

To me, it is more erotic to know HOW he did this. Did he put his lips on her nipple with a feather touch, tenderly touching and teasing, or did he latch on with the ravenous hunger of a suckling baby?

Those are two completely different "feelings."

Again, these are just my preferences and I hope it helps. Either way, I don't pretend to be an authority.

Camilleon