First dip in the LW shark pool: Homecoming call

[Seurat]

My first story in the shark pool that is the Loving Wives category was posted today. Just like every other author, I would like some feedback, but this time I am coming right out to ask for it, as this genre is pretty foreign to me as a writer.

I've already had an editing mistake or two pointed out, but any and all comments would be welcome.

Story can be found here:http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=472778

 

[Seurat]

Well, hey! Look at that! The story has been up for a full day, and I've received my first death threat.

I guess it was only a matter of time.

 

[Experiencedguy]

Okay, I read it, and loved it. Especially the end. If you want to do a followup, I'd suggest, everything that lead up to, especially the relationship between her husband and BF. That should be just as interesting.

Keep up the interesting work!!

 

[D_K_Moon]

Why are you telling us about the end of the story in what appears to be preface?

First, the good news. I loved the story, and the ending was excellent, I didn't see it coming.

Now, for the bad news. You need to get an editor or proofreader. There were a lot of grammatical errors.

I'm confused. I do fly a lot for work. The only time the flight attendant lets you know that it's okay to use your cell phone is after the flight has landed. But, this story takes place before the flight leaves. It's a glaring error that will put some people off.

Overall, a well done, and come back and see us when you have something new for us to look at.

 

[Sanichi]

I couldn't find the "death threat" although the comments seem to run the gamut. You seem to want to provoke the LW defenders with your disclaimer: "This is a cuckold story, so be prepared." Surely a strong reaction is no surprise when you say you wrote the story "just to see what happens"? I'd suggest you simply write your story and take whatever feedback you find useful; 29 user comments at the time of writing seems more than enough to me.

Perhaps something more specific. (CONTAINS SPOILERS)


Your opening sentence: "The airport in Jacksonville is warm and inviting, and not nearly as big as you would think it needs to be..." I've never been to Jacksonville, I've no idea how big the airport is or how big it should be. Will it matter? Sorry to say this right up front but your job as the writer is to set the scene in a place that suits your story - the airport can be vast and impersonal or small and intimate as the situation requires. I wouldn't stage it in a real location with unnecessary details of destinations, etc. You don't even need the scenes of arrival, Stacey can just be seated for takeoff and get right on her phone. (Not to contradict the earlier poster, but certainly on flights in Europe the flight attendant will announce that passengers may use electronic equipment - apart from during takeoff and landing - with 'flight safe' mode. Or have her call from the limo.)

Try to stay in one tense. A sentence beginning: "He put his few bags of a baggage trolley and heads down..." (even ignoring the typo) is distracting to read. Same problem in the next sentence, that begins: "The limo driver put her luggage on a different cart, and the attendant follows her as she heads for the plane..." I had to read that twice to judge the limo driver wasn't the woman, and also check the attendant hadn't been introduced, and wasn't a woman either. All uncertainty dispelled if: "The limo driver put the woman's luggage on a cart, and an attendant followed with it as she headed for a different plane."

That's all from the first paragraph, I needn't go on. You already know there are a few too many errors and typos, although "emotional damn" has a ring to it!

I'd work on dialogue, that is mostly unconvincing. You are using what people say to each other to describe the situation, and it sounds clunky. ("[You remember Geoff, don't you? Your husband?") Vicky says: "Mmmm-hmm," about five times too often, even if she is busy.

Like many of your commenters I guessed the ending, the moment speaker phone was mentioned. You could perhaps disguise that better than calling attention to it. In many stories this wouldn't matter, but it is the point of this one, and I notice you "abhor" predictable endings in the preface to another story...

I'm not sure what the moral message to take from this is supposed to be, they seem as bad as each other. Without, as you admit, much actual sex described, there is not much else. It might work differently if Geoff was in the office of his lawyer (Vicky?) without anything untoward going on his end. That would feed the 'cuckolding bitch gets her comeuppance' brigade even more!

 

[Seurat]

Death threat was sent anon, but I'm not too concerned about it. Some of the story suggestions I have now gotten make me wonder about some of the readers out there, though.

The story was one of those that pushed itself out of my head, and I quickly realized that I published it too soon. Which is why I asked for comments here.

I am in the process of nailing down an editor, and a revision of that story (which I do like) may be our first collaboration.

I thank all for the comments and critiques, and I take them to heart. A well written story adds to the readers enjoyment; plot or twists can't carry success off on their own.

Predictablity: Maybe I have become too predictable in my attempts to thwart humdrum endings. I'll work on that. The only true moral statute that I try to incorporate is, "You reap what you sow', but even that doesn't work out correctly.

 

[sxyoldguy]

Nice story. How the friend and husband got together would be interesting, and might be able to be woven in there, with a change in POV. Maybe not.

One question: How realistic is the explicitness of the dialogue? Do women talk to each other as bluntly as that?

Maybe I've been sheltered from that.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

seurat, nice story and I didn't see the twist in the tale either. I think D_K is right. You need to edit more or get an editor.

Against the commenters, Websters and the OED define cuckold simply as 'a man whose wife is adulterous'. I thought you laid it on a bit with the intro and by Federal Law I think, cellphones must be switched off while the airplane doors are shut.

For sxyoldguy - I think you'd be quite shocked at how intimate girl-to-girl conversations can get, but I'd agree that this takes dramatic licence a bit far to fit the plot.

 

[Seurat]

Mea culpa on the plane: haven't boarded one since 2003. Rules have most likely changed.

Mea culpa on the female speak, in a way. Some of the women I work with (one department in specific) were the inspiration for that dialogue. And I had to tone it down a bit.