First Collaborative Attempt

[Casa_blanca2]

This is the first part of a continuing story..."They Came Together"

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=116890

 

[dr_mabeuse]

It's hard to critique a "to be continued" story in terms of plot, since we don't know the plot yet. Even so, this is a curious little piece, the erotica coming as a story within the story, which puts it at a double remove from the reader, We spend all this time learning about the reader Jeff and the woman writer, and then what erotic action there is comes between two characters who appear suddenly from left field in one of the woman's stories. That's odd.

It's also pretty ballsy to tell us again and again how good her stories are and then give us a sample. There's probably no way a story can live up to the hype you've given her, and this one, though it was nicely done, didn't strike me as especially noteworthy.

There's a lot of huffing and puffing here; a lot of setting things up, a lot of background that isn't important (yet). I suppose it will be important in the later parts of the story, but so far it just seems superfluous. That's part of what I mean about it being hard to critique the plot without knowing the whole story. Do we really need to know why he rejected writers 1-4, for example?

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this story-within-a-story is going to work into the main story in a really novel and creative way, and not just be a case of the two characters acting out what she's been writing about; a kind of fact-follows-fiction thing.

The writing overall is good. I imagine one of you wrote the italicized part and the other wrote the non-italics, since the styles are so different. I found the clipped style of the non-italic to be grating after awhile. It's especially bad in the second paragraph of the story, where the simple declarative sentences take on the tone of a reading primer. I imagine you're doing it for effect, but I don't know if the effect works. It was irritating enough that I really thought I might just be reading the work of an incompetent author. A compound sentence or two wouldn't hurt.

The italicized author is a distinctly different voice, with a much more easy and informal style. There's a tenedency to maybe use too many cliches though, which I would watch. I just hope her background turns out to be important to the story, that it'll be important to know how she came to start writing porn, but from this charpter, it doesn't really seem relevent.

What you've got so far is kind of a Literotica author's wet dream, which is kind of fun. As I said, the writing's good, and I'll be interested to see how the whole thing works out.

---dr.M.

 

[Casa_blanca2]

It's hard to critique a "to be continued" story in terms of plot, since we don't know the plot yet. Even so, this is a curious little piece, the erotica coming as a story within the story, which puts it at a double remove from the reader, We spend all this time learning about the reader Jeff and the woman writer, and then what erotic action there is comes between two characters who appear suddenly from left field in one of the woman's stories. That's odd.

It's also pretty ballsy to tell us again and again how good her stories are and then give us a sample. There's probably no way a story can live up to the hype you've given her, and this one, though it was nicely done, didn't strike me as especially noteworthy.

There's a lot of huffing and puffing here; a lot of setting things up, a lot of background that isn't important (yet). I suppose it will be important in the later parts of the story, but so far it just seems superfluous. That's part of what I mean about it being hard to critique the plot without knowing the whole story. Do we really need to know why he rejected writers 1-4, for example?

I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume that this story-within-a-story is going to work into the main story in a really novel and creative way, and not just be a case of the two characters acting out what she's been writing about; a kind of fact-follows-fiction thing.

The writing overall is good. I imagine one of you wrote the italicized part and the other wrote the non-italics, since the styles are so different. I found the clipped style of the non-italic to be grating after awhile. It's especially bad in the second paragraph of the story, where the simple declarative sentences take on the tone of a reading primer. I imagine you're doing it for effect, but I don't know if the effect works. It was irritating enough that I really thought I might just be reading the work of an incompetent author. A compound sentence or two wouldn't hurt.

The italicized author is a distinctly different voice, with a much more easy and informal style. There's a tenedency to maybe use too many cliches though, which I would watch. I just hope her background turns out to be important to the story, that it'll be important to know how she came to start writing porn, but from this charpter, it doesn't really seem relevent.

What you've got so far is kind of a Literotica author's wet dream, which is kind of fun. As I said, the writing's good, and I'll be interested to see how the whole thing works out.

---dr.M.

Thank you dr_m. I wrote the italics and I do have a tendency for cliches. You aren't the first to point it out. This story started as a writing exercise and just mushroomed.

I enjoy writing collaborations because of the different styles of each author. I guess you learn by trial and error and that's okay because I have fun as I learn.

I hope ensuing chapters tie all the loose ends together ... we shall see. Thanks once more ...


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