First Attempt

[read2me]

This is my first attempt at a story and would love to hear what people think.

It is a bit of femdom in a gloryhole.

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=366018

 

[starrkers]

Before I say anything else, I hate the second person perspective. It's hard to read and actually distances me from the action, rather than bringing me into it. That's a personal gripe, not a comment on your writing but it does colour my judgement of the story, so I need to mention it

The third paragraph is way too long, with too much information crammed into it. Break it up into smaller, bite sized chunks.

I found it a bit cumbersome in patches, but that may have been my dislike of the "you" structure, making me skim bits instead of reading them properly.

Overall you write well.

Sorry for the crap feedback, normally I wouldn't comment on a piece written in this format, but your post looked so lonely, and hopefully me jumping in will drag in a few of the others.

 

[The_Fractal_King]

Sorry, couldn't read it. The second person drive me competely nuts and Word says one out of every eleven words in the story is "you". The only thing I can say is that you should go for a different tense.

 

[manyeyedhydra]

Dragged in

The writing seemed good. I think there was a 'whole' instead of a 'hole' but it seemed okay.

The 2nd POV drags it down. I'm also not a fan of stories written that. I could possibly see this working as a 1st POV letter written to an anonymous 'you' that could serve as either the reader or an off-screen character, but why make it so awkward .

Tell it as naughty Jane and reluctant John and i think the story would be much better.

The story features a 'weak' male character 'cheating' so it's going to draw the trolls out. i wouldn't pay any attention to that kind of feedback.

keep writing anyway

 

[read2me]

thanks everyone for the feedback. was written for someone and I decided to post it on here to see what reactions I could get from others. I appreciate the honesty and will learn not to write in second person again.

 

[tickledkitty]

It's not that you should never, ever write in second person. It's just really difficult to pull off effectively. I like first for erotica.

 

[ellynei]

The many 'you's and 'I's does make it more difficult to read, yes.

It's better than my first attempt at my first erotica story was (That doesn't say much, and no you can't really compare 'cause lit got an -EDITED function )


I'd like to make some suggestions, however, read this disclaimer before even glancing at them!

(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make complete sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)


--Assuming you are going to change to I/me and she:--

A little more dialogue would be lovely, not that you should have them talk more, just some more of the inferred stuff into dialogue.

It's so much more fun to eavesdrop than to be told something


like say this paragraph:
quote:
After seeing the pictures you could hardly control yourself. It took at least half an hour to stop laughing. You decided you had to see it in person, and you weren't going to take no for an answer. So the next time you made it to the area you were going to arrange a special meeting.
quote end.


Upon seeing the pictures she could hardly control herself. For at least half an hour, she kept laughing.

"I have to see this in person," she said*, and she wasn't going to take no for an answer.

The next time she made it to the area, she was going to arrange a special meeting.


*or thought?: you get the option of thought for all characters if you go into third person narrator. If you do stuff like 'thought' in a you and me narrating you leave the reader wondering "How does he know this? when does she tell him?"


Like starrkers said, the third paragraph. It bugged me too that paragraph. Not so much the word size rather the amount of topics in one paragraph. Aaand inferred dialogue that woulda been fun for me to eavesdrop on

quote:
"4:30 on Friday my phone rang. You were stranded at the airport and needed a ride home. I explained that I was really busy, but after a couple of minutes of begging I agreed, not knowing what trouble I was in for. On the way to your aunt's house you ask if I'd make a stop for you because there were some things you need to get. I reluctantly agreed. I pulled off the highway where you asked, and started to put up a fight when you asked me to pull into the adult shop. You explained you were going to be here for two weeks and didn't know anyone but your family other than me and it was going to be very boring if you didn't have some toys to occupy your time. You mentioned that I could always come over and keep you company, but you have needs so it's either going to be me or a plastic boyfriend. You knew I have a girlfriend, but that didn't stop you. You kept at it until I agreed to stop and let you go to the store."
quote end:


example:
4:30 on Friday my phone rang, it was her.

"I'm stranded at the airport, I need a ride," she* said.

I explained that I was really busy, but she kept begging. After a couple of minutes I gave in, not knowing what trouble I was in for.

"Can we make a stop on the way?" she asked me, while we were on our way to her aunt's house, "there are some things I need to get."

Reluctantly I agreed, and pulled off the highway where she asked. But when she told me to pull in at the adult shop - I put up a fight.

"I'm going to be here for two weeks," she began, "the only people I know here are you, and my family. I'm going to get very bored if I don't have some toys to occupy my time."

She even mentioned that I could come over and keep her company.

"I have needs," she said, "it's either going to be you, or a plastic boyfriend."

She knew I had a girlfriend, but that didn't stop her. She kept at it until I agreed to stop and let her go to the store.


*: like manyeyedhydra said, you will probably want to name them.

This example fills more space, but it is about the same amount of words. Don't take it too literally, and for heaven's sake, remember my unprofessional beta-reader disclaimer. I just wanted to show that sometimes dialogue brings more immediacy than inferred dialogue.


I am a beginner too, but I read something in one of the how to's or something can't remember exact. Something from lit's writer's ressources at least. Wherever it was, it was about description by negative.

The point is, the guide said description by negative should be avoided when possible, because it slows and confuses the reader:

comparison:

option 1:
"Ellynei is not really clever, not even average brain capacity."

option 2:
"Ellynei is somewhat stupid."

2 is easier to read

Sometimes I feel description by negative can make a point, but as a rule I think it is best to save it for special cases.

"you...didn't know anyone but your family other than me" a negative description. (Though in this particular case it might be it was only troublesome to read because of the long context.)

-you... only know your family and me.-


"We walked in and it was nothing I'd ever seen before." Actually not sure if this is a negative description, word missing? (like nothing?)


"...it was like nothing I had ever seen before."

-...I had never seen anything like it before-


Confused? I said I wanted to make suggestions, didn't say I'd be good at it... Sorry, Ellynei is somewhat stupid.


There are a couple tense glitches here and there, if you read it again after a while, with fresh eyes, you can probably catch them yourself


Oh nearly forgot. The pictures in first paragraph, the luring start that kept the reader hanging. After reading I'm guessing those were pictures of his small cock? You placed the mystery here, and you didn't completely promise there would be a chapter 2... Maybe you should consider revealing it directly, in this chapter (dunno what you have planned for chapter 2 so, of course, don't reveal in ch 1 if it ruins something in ch. 2.) But since the pictures were the lure it is just a tiny bit evil to keep the suspense until chapter 2 hehe.

to reiterate:
(Remember I am not an editor I am an unprofessional beta-reader, hence my edit-suggestions must only be applied after you have yourself seen and thought; 'Ah yeah the nutcase is right about that one.' If any of my suggestions does not make complete sense to you, do NOT use them, because I might very well be wrong in those cases!)

also to reiterate:


I thought it was a good story, well done. (In spite of the annoying 'you's.)

I like the pace you keep, I feel you manage very well to grow your characters personalities without slowing the story. Well placed blushes and afterthoughts.

I think the story will benefit from getting a second round of work by you.

And I think you should keep writing.

Good luck out there and don't give up.

You are off to a good start in my opinion, the things I mentioned in this feedback are smaller technicalities, the kinda things that are easy to adapt to. There are several of the 'hard' things, you just do right.

 

[elfin_odalisque]

It's not that you should never, ever write in second person. It's just really difficult to pull off effectively. I like first for erotica.

I think TK is a tad harsh. Second person CAN work for erotic stories, but the discipline is tight and usually works best if a bit tongue in cheek.

Second person is a dialogue tense (think of romantic pop songs) and can only be used in a story by the narrator. Therefore, by definition, she/he can't sit back and use first person as this gets schizophrenic. If the narrator starts using 'I' as a mythical third person, the narration loses focus and the readers glaze over.

The best second person posts I've found on Lit are;

Glynndah - Shopping for toys at Walmart

and

Impressive - The Second Person[/COLOR]

Glynndah's story is 100% dialogue, we are following behind like a movie. She is always speaking. 'You' is clearly a guy but she focusses our attention on her and we just nod like her dumb friend. This works like aTV show.

Imp is playing with the style (IMHO very well) and although not strictly dialogue, theres not an 'I' in the text and you get a narration that is omniscient.

I agree with TK that first person is good for erotica - but then you have to have third person for the antagonist. That's the only way the narration can work, surely? To use second person, the narrator is the 'voice'; either like that dead woman on Desperate Housewives, or Imp - or the complete dialogue like Glynndah.

You write well, so why not try rewriting this from either first or second person, keeping 'I' as narrator, or 'You' as a named person. Just my thought, but serious erotica is better in first person.

 

[hmmnmm]

A couple bits, fwiw:

As a stretch of prose I think it's pretty good.

You know, I've always considered good erotic narrative to be about the toughest there is to pull off well. So - you know... and convention is correct when it says that second-person narrative is also about the most difficult to pull off well - but, as has been said, certainly not impossible. So I think it's cool to try it different ways. Different positions, so to speak.

If I'm sitting down to play the part of the reading-purely-for-personal-pleasure-reader, I like to get into something where I can identify with someone. If it's a first person narrative, I want to feel like whatever's happening to them is happening to me (well I don't want to, if it's too much pain).

With second person, I'd of course want to imagine that the speaker is, or could be, talking to me. You know? This would be a more personal me-to-you intimacy. Which is great, except I can't see myself as a woman taking a guy into a glory hole booth.

Twist that sucker into a first person and you'd have something that packs a hefty punch.

Just my opinion.

Thank you, good day.



hey look Saint B! I contributed!