First attempt

[reporm2]

Well, I finally got the urge to post a story, and at risk of being flamed, crucified and abused, I thought I'd ask for some feedback.

A Different Sunday (Erotic Couplings)
http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=88038

 

[dr_mabeuse]

I'm guessing you won't get many feedback responses, because this is the kind of story that's very difficult to criticize. It's perfectly adequate at doing what it intends to do, so no one can find fault with it. On the other hand, it really does so little that no one's going to take the time to comment on it.

There's a big difference between describing an erotic fantasy and writing an erotic story. What you've given us here is a description of an erotic fantasy, and as far as that goes you've done a good job. It's a pretty basic fantasy: a guy sees an attractive woman trying on lingerie and she pulls him into the changing room and they have sex. Aside from that odd last sentence--which I imagine was just tacked on to try and give it some sort of feeling of an ending--there's nothing very remarkable here.

The problem is that we all have fantasies, and why should I be more interested in yours than in someone else's? In other words: what skills do you bring to the telling of your fantasy that would make me want to read your version rather than someone else's? Is your lieraray imagination great enough to keep me surprised and entertained? Are your powers of observation so acute that you can point out to me things I never would have noticed in an encounter like this? Can you describe things so well that they seem fresh and take on new meaning for me? Is there something unique in your fantasy that makes it more special than everyone else's.

I don't mean to sound sarcastic or flip. Your writing is fine and is certainly up to the task of doing what you do here. But there are thousands of vignettes just like this one in Lit, all written by people who discovered that there's something satisfying about putting their thoughts into writing. What all writers have to remind themselves of all the time though is this: just because something is fun to write doesn't mean that it will automatically be fun to read. This is where writing becomes an art: learning to make what you write fun to read.

Again, I don't mean to sound like I'm picking on you. I'm really directed these comments to thousands of other authors as well, because you see people publishing descriptions of fantasies here all the time. I'm sure you meant no more than to try your hand at a story and see what people thought of it. In that case I can tell you that it's nicely done and perfectly satisfactory, and if being satisfactory is enough for you, then you've accomplished your goal.

But if you want to be more than just satisfactory, you should start thinking seriously about the art and craft of writing, about discovering what you like in others' writing and what kind of stuff you like to read and trying to incorporate those things into what you do. That's when you start to change from daydreaming on paper to writing.

Regards,
---dr.M.

 

[reporm2]

Well Dr. thanks for your feedback. I appreciate the honesty and advice. You are correct, it is more of a fantasy than a story, and certainly it was never intended to be more than that. Having never attempted my hand at writing a story, I believe it was more of an experiment than a serious endevour. Unless some flash of inspiration comes over me, I doubt that you will see another story. It does require a lot of time, careful thought and editing to achieve the status of a real story. I truly admire those who have the inclination to do so, and perhaps someday I will. Once again, thanks.

 

[hiddenself]

I think that the story was simple and decently told. But there were a number of technical skill weaknesses (I list a few below) in the writing -- one thing to tell a story, another to put it on paper. I also thought that the plot was too thin, too standard. Everyone has fantasies like this, so you have to put some elements that will make yours different. Otherwise, it's simply bland. And the ending negates most of the "stranger" spark the story has and leaves it flat -- melodramatic and corny too (Though miles may lie between us, we're never far apart, for friendship doesn't count the miles; it's measured by the heart. -- oh, come on!)

"rerun movies"
Maybe "movie reruns"?

the only place to park is the entrance near the ladies underwear
What does that mean? Entrances are to stores...

trying not to look to obvious I see her
"tyring not to look too obvious, I see her"

My heart is pounding. When a thought comes in to my head, maybe I can see her in it.[/I}
Sentence fragment. "Then, a thought..."

Also, characters' thoughts should be italicized (or put in single quotes, opinions differ on the format) to set them apart from text:
...a thought comes in to my head, maybe I can see her in it.

panties of the teddy
As far as I know, two-piece teddies usually have boxer-type bottoms and one-piece ones are of the bodysuit-type. There are lots of different words for women's lingerie (teddy, bodysuit, basque, etc), so a better description of what you have in mind would have helped. As a reader, I can't picture the piece she's trying on. That's a major failing since this is supposed to be a lingerie fetish story, no? A "sheer white teddy" is all we have and that's a pretty non-descript statement.

hs

 

[reporm2]

Ok, maybe it's time for a You Suck! Thanks for the feedback all. Perhaps this wasn't the place to post a fantasy. If I ever decide to become serious about this, I'll keep the above in mind.