First attempt at writing

[Playnhrd]

http://www.literotica.com/stories/showstory.php?id=143532

this is my first story, it took way longer to write than I expected, i worked and reworked it over many days. I am a bit nervouse what people think, would love to here some comments. Thanks, Steve

 

[FlyontheWall99]

A little tip, you should probably introduce your story above and give readers the basics, name, type of story, basic plot. Something to get them interested rather than just leave it to them having to discover using the link. There are lazy people out there who wouldn't bother clicking a random link to see what happens .....

My initial impressions are you use fairly long paragraphs which could probably be trimmed down or separated into smaller constituent parts. You also seem very fond of commas which makes the sentences unusually long and sometimes mentioning three or four movements, etc in one go. Although that seems to stop after the opening of the story .....

It moved a little too quick into the action for my liking. But there are plenty of people who like a fast paced story. Anyway, it is a very good first up effort and you should do well. I'll leave the serious grammar critique to the usual people .....

 

[Playnhrd]

Thank you

I appreciate your input, very constructive and helpful. The story is about a reluctant husband being led by his wife down a path of submission that he had not anticipated.
As far as the pace of the story, the story continued to expand, and I was trying to get through as much as I could, and finally posted incompletely to get some feedback, fearing I might be barking up the wrong tree for all my effort for naught.

Thanks. Steve

 

[FlyontheWall99]

There is a thread in the Story Discussion Forum where you can pass your story around before submission for critique/feedback etc. That might help you know how things are going before you post it up for public comment.

 

[Singularity]

There are several things I think you should work on, based on having a look at this story.

The paragraphing is a big blockade for most readers, as was mentioned earlier. For good pacing and readability, each one (especially for online reading) should be no more than 4-8 lines long on the screen.

Most importantly, use more dialog. Instead of describing everything, let the characters tell us in their own words what they are feeling and wanting, and let the reader infer their moods and thoughts through their words and their actions. This is probably the most important thing, to transform a description of events into a story. It is also one of the hardest things for a writer to do, but it really adds a lot.

As an exercise, you might try writing a short scene with nothing but dialog and a few staging sentences that are one line or less in length. See if you can convey the emotion and drama your characters are feeling.

Lastly, avoid telling us every little detail, and all at once. The first paragraph will be a non-starter for many readers.

My wife Lynn and I have been married several years. Lynn is 5'7," 120 lbs. near 40 years old, a slim dishwater blond with nice tits and a very firm ass, works out daily, dresses conservatively, but loves to put on sexy under things, lingerie is very much a turn on for her. She is a sweet and very pretty lady, rather quiet and passive most of the time, even submissive in bed, but she loves sex and gets into it when we make love.

The checklist of physical attributes will turn off a lot of people. The fact that she is 5'7" instead of 5'5" and 120 lbs. versys 132 lbs. (and don't use abbreviations and the short-hand way of saying feet and inches) is not important.


Read some other authors' work (here or elsewhere) and read it for the words and the paragraphing and the dialog, instead of reading "the story". That can really help.


Sin.

 

[Playnhrd]

Thanks for the pointers. I am appreciative of your time. I do agree with much of what you say, and will work on. Steve