First attempt, all feedback lapped up.
- Thread starter rob-a
- Start date
A
AsylumSeeker
Guest
Feedback Provided
Good story overall, but there are some issues with spelling (I recognize the British spelling of some words, so I'm not sure if those are considered mis-spellings or correct variants, maybe somebody else can answer that).
I see some incomplete sentences and a need for additional paragraphing. You should consider looking for an editor to help with these 'mechanical' problems.
On the bright side you use good descriptions, so you certainly possess the skills to write.
Good story overall, but there are some issues with spelling (I recognize the British spelling of some words, so I'm not sure if those are considered mis-spellings or correct variants, maybe somebody else can answer that).
I see some incomplete sentences and a need for additional paragraphing. You should consider looking for an editor to help with these 'mechanical' problems.
On the bright side you use good descriptions, so you certainly possess the skills to write.
The only spelling issues are throughout, and disinterest.
Traveled, travelled (ing) are variants and acceptable.
Gonna, fuckin, comin - well, they are not my favourite words, but they are ok.
The rest are U.K. english variants and no issue.
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The story did not excite me, although it is well enough written.
Too much "slowly" "deep" "gently"
too many travelleds.
and too much passive voice for erotica.
overall a good effort.
Traveled, travelled (ing) are variants and acceptable.
Gonna, fuckin, comin - well, they are not my favourite words, but they are ok.
The rest are U.K. english variants and no issue.
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The story did not excite me, although it is well enough written.
Too much "slowly" "deep" "gently"
too many travelleds.
and too much passive voice for erotica.
overall a good effort.
CopyCarver
Literotica Guru
- Joined
- Aug 6, 2005
- Posts
- 1,644
I have to agree with kbate: eliminating excess adjectives and adverbs andfinding some synonyms for oft-used words would be excellent steps. Passive voice rarely works for erotica, non-erotica, or anything else except academic tracts that are required to be constructed that way.
Still, you're ahead of the curve for a first effort and you're entitled to be proud of your story
Still, you're ahead of the curve for a first effort and you're entitled to be proud of your story
sensorotika
Loves Spam
- Joined
- Oct 30, 2005
- Posts
- 40
Feedback
Premise is fine, I think the narrative is a bit flat. There are some awkward transitions.
Premise is fine, I think the narrative is a bit flat. There are some awkward transitions.
