TheEarl
Occasional visitor
- Joined
- Apr 1, 2002
- Posts
- 9,808
Finding my way:
Our picture is still grinning at me from the inside of my wallet. Every time I see it, I’m fooled into believing we’re still together; that life as I know it still exists. Then I remember.
It’s an anachronism now; those two beaming faces belong to yesterday. That time has gone and is never coming back. A shaft of pain slices through my chest and my throat chokes up. How can I descend from being one half of a couple to being a mere man in just a couple of days? There is no normal, there is no routine. Every action is new and cold and barren because it is done without her. I have forgotten how to be alone.
The constriction in my throat wells up further and tears leak from the corner of my eyes. I am on the bed now and my legs tuck up under my chin, as if I can keep the pain out by curling up into a ball. A spluttering cough escapes my lips and scalding tears stream down my cheeks.
I know that she was right. We were incompatible in so many ways and no amount of flexibility could cross our divides for much longer. She says she doesn’t love me and I believe her; I can’t make her happy and she can’t ease my pain. We aren’t right. The sheer elemental truth eases nothing though; the memory of her touch is all too near. She and I could lie together and I could luxuriate in the warmth of her body. I roll onto my side, feeling her hands stroke my hair. She lies behind me, her body curling around mine in a comforting fashion – my support, my rock, my love.
The image dissipates and I am alone again, unsupported, unheld, unloved. Another sob is choking up my chest and a keening wail comes unbidden from my lips. I know in my heart of hearts that she was right, but I would give anything, absolutely anything, to have one night with her again, just to hold her close. I want to have her here with me, head resting on my chest and leg draped languidly across mine. I don’t want to be alone.
The sob swells, growing till it seems too big for my chest to contain it and I choke, coughing till I retch. My throat burns and stinging tears seep endlessly from my eyes. I press my head against my knees and whimper, calling out to God, calling out to anyone, begging them to make it stop, to help me, to make the pain go away, please, please, please.
I just want her here; I want her to hold me in her arms, to cradle my head, to stroke my hair and tell me it’s okay. I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t want to be alone.
The Earl
Our picture is still grinning at me from the inside of my wallet. Every time I see it, I’m fooled into believing we’re still together; that life as I know it still exists. Then I remember.
It’s an anachronism now; those two beaming faces belong to yesterday. That time has gone and is never coming back. A shaft of pain slices through my chest and my throat chokes up. How can I descend from being one half of a couple to being a mere man in just a couple of days? There is no normal, there is no routine. Every action is new and cold and barren because it is done without her. I have forgotten how to be alone.
The constriction in my throat wells up further and tears leak from the corner of my eyes. I am on the bed now and my legs tuck up under my chin, as if I can keep the pain out by curling up into a ball. A spluttering cough escapes my lips and scalding tears stream down my cheeks.
I know that she was right. We were incompatible in so many ways and no amount of flexibility could cross our divides for much longer. She says she doesn’t love me and I believe her; I can’t make her happy and she can’t ease my pain. We aren’t right. The sheer elemental truth eases nothing though; the memory of her touch is all too near. She and I could lie together and I could luxuriate in the warmth of her body. I roll onto my side, feeling her hands stroke my hair. She lies behind me, her body curling around mine in a comforting fashion – my support, my rock, my love.
The image dissipates and I am alone again, unsupported, unheld, unloved. Another sob is choking up my chest and a keening wail comes unbidden from my lips. I know in my heart of hearts that she was right, but I would give anything, absolutely anything, to have one night with her again, just to hold her close. I want to have her here with me, head resting on my chest and leg draped languidly across mine. I don’t want to be alone.
The sob swells, growing till it seems too big for my chest to contain it and I choke, coughing till I retch. My throat burns and stinging tears seep endlessly from my eyes. I press my head against my knees and whimper, calling out to God, calling out to anyone, begging them to make it stop, to help me, to make the pain go away, please, please, please.
I just want her here; I want her to hold me in her arms, to cradle my head, to stroke my hair and tell me it’s okay. I don’t want to be alone.
I don’t want to be alone.
The Earl
