Finding my Unicorn - A Sensual Domme

[HardCaramel]

I've toyed with the idea of being a submissive for awhile. I've always liked the idea and when I had an ex who was slightly aggressive (i.e. not afraid to ask for things) I realized that I definitely wanted to please more than anything.

However, since that time it's been very difficult (pretty much impossible) to find what I would deem to be a Unicorn: A Sensual Domme. You see I'm one of those few male subs who doesn't actually enjoy feminisation, humiliation, or degradation. Nor am I a masochist. From my understanding the type of Domme I'm looking for is called a sensual/romantic Domme. A top would work but I'm sure I'd like some element of control outside of the bedroom as well.

In any case, women of this type are incredibly rare in my experience. Granted I have only checked Fetlife and on Lit in the past couple of months. And since I live pretty far away from anywhere where they have munches or the sort that seems out of the question.


So I write this partially to vent, partially to ask if I'm barking up the wrong tree, and partially for advice on help for where to look / search. I'd love something online to try out safely and move it offline. But really at this point I don't think I've even come across a Domme who would be interested. Perhaps until I feel comfortable with pain or humiliation I shouldn't bother? Is it such a huge part of the community?

Ideally (and I hesitate to use this term) I'd like the female equivalent of a Daddy Dom. I don't think I've ever heard the term Mommy Domme and the few that I've heard mention it have had women RUN FOR THE HILLS after hearing the term.

Looking for any advice at all,
- FrustratedCaramel

 

[La damnee elle la licorne]

 

[MrHappy212]

Eh a second read and I found my first opinion to be wrong.

There are Mothers out there who are nurturing and caring while being dominant at the same time. My advice is too keep looking and don't hesitate to say what you want. If it is a Mother you want then say it.

Just like if I wanted a wicked witch with a switch I'd say that )

So what if some don't like the term, it is the best that fits your description. At least I hope most mothers are nurturing and caring... Of course I've known a few who also carried switches....

 

[MrHappy212]

While he happily has referred to me in slightly 'protective/childish' terms for, well, for ever, when I experimented with a ' paternal' term it felt odd to both of us and even upsetting to him.

Did you try sugar daddy? that works for most guys : ) and the inverse Sugar Momma works to :

 

[Netzach]

Basically, what that boils down to is "Girlfriend who isn't submissive." Or..."Girlfriend who has sexual initiative."

Most women in these categories (and there are lots, but relationships that don't suck do take some work for find) don't bother defining as "a Domme" because they don't have to. They can more or less hook up and explore these inclinations. Most (not all but most) guys will be along for the ride. Fun is had, roles aren't all-consuming, the end.

If you are actually into niche interests like inflicting pain or humiliation, you're going to have a much harder time hooking up with anyone in the general dating pool who's also interested. Hence the need to bother labeling yourself at all. If I were satisfied with limiting my expressions of dominance to face-sitting and being massaged a lot, I would not need to identify in a way that marginalizes me.

 

[MorgynBarbosa]

Oh we are out there. We are just much harder to find! Maybe not a Unicorn per se. More like a needle in a haystack.

Do not give up hope.

 

[box13]

Dommes seem like people with anger issues to me, but that's just my limited impression. I've had enough lack of emotional intimacy for a while, so threats of violence and insults don't float my proverbial boat.

There is a "Sensual Domination" group (on Fetlife). Maybe what you're looking for is there.

 

[Que]

Dommes seem like people with anger issues to me, but that's just my limited impression. I've had enough lack of emotional intimacy for a while, so threats of violence and insults don't float my proverbial boat.

There is a "Sensual Domination" group (on Fetlife). Maybe what you're looking for is there.

Maybe they just find you irritating.

 

[Nezhul]

Dommes seem like people with anger issues to me,

that may be because of the image that is created by the net and porn. Most of femdom porn is about those strange "bitch" kind of girls that badmouth a lot, treat their partners like shit and are always acting angry or irritated by whatever the "sub" does.
Maybe that's why you get this impression.

While that is definitely a niche that may interest someone, life is different, and dommies, I believe, are very different as well. Although I do not know any dommes close myself, If you think about it logically - I believe they are just as versatile as a general mass of people is.

 

[box13]

Maybe they just find you irritating.

And stupid.

 

[box13]

that may be because of the image that is created by the net and porn. Most of femdom porn is about those strange "bitch" kind of girls that badmouth a lot, treat their partners like shit and are always acting angry or irritated by whatever the "sub" does.
Maybe that's why you get this impression.

While that is definitely a niche that may interest someone, life is different, and dommies, I believe, are very different as well. Although I do not know any dommes close myself, If you think about it logically - I believe they are just as versatile as a general mass of people is.

Probably so. I've listened to a fair amount of Femdom Hypno-ish audio, and obviously my repertoire is lacking in breadth. I had fantasies. Reality, of course, is always different. And unfortunately, very often disappointing.

 

[Nezhul]

Reality, of course, is always different. And unfortunately, very often disappointing.

It's just that the more narrow your goal is - the more hits will be misses. If you aim to just get laid - than every woman is a bingo for you. If you want a kinky partner, then much smaller amount of women will suit you. If you want something very particular, then yours will be 1 of a hundred.
It's not that reality is boring. In fact, reality often has much more excitement in store than you could ever wish for. But when you aim for something specific it may seem illusive.
The trick is to never be disappointed with what you get, but always dream about more and strive for it.

I may be dead wrong here, but I feel that nowadays it's really easy to get pretty much anyone to do kinky play. It's not something weird anymore (unless you are into very specific or dangerous stuff). Everyone is informed that BDSM is out there, and when they are informed than it's not that scary anymore. And if it's not scary, than if you don't rush it and act carefully, you will introduce your kinks to your partner without spooking them away.

 

[box13]

In any case, women of this type are incredibly rare in my experience.

- FrustratedCaramel

Well, at any rate...we agree.

 

[CollarsAreVarar]

Good luck with your search, and don't be too disappointed by the porn that's out there. You'll find your woman!