Finding a real life Dom/Domme - advice needed...

[sillysub]

I'm currently in the most wonderful online D/s training relationship. We are both loving it, and I still have a lot to learn from my Dom, but we also both acknowledge that it is a temporary relationship that suits us both for now, but that one day, I might need to find a RL Dom or Domme (I'm bisexual, with a slight/general preference for women).

My question is, what is the best/safest way to go about finding a suitable RL Dom/Domme? Anyone have any experience of this, good or bad?

 

[CutieMouse]

Recognize that whatever your current partner is "training" you for, may be the exact opposite of what a future partner wants from you. Dominants are not of the hive mind variety...

Really, kinky dating is still just dating. Some people will tell you it's really important to "only date kinky" (find partners are munches, etc) and it's a waste of time to look for a partner in "vanilla" settings; some people will tell you it's possible to find the perfect dominant partner (for you) in the most unlikely places.

Some people get really hung up on safe calls/etc; some people think safe calls are a waste of time.

Some people say to lead with kink right out of the gate; some people prefer to get to know people, first.

If you're getting the impression that dating is dating is dating, and relationships are relationships are relationships... that's because kinky dating isn't all that much different from non-kinky dating, and kinky relationships aren't really all that different from non-kinky relationships.

 

[sillysub]

Thanks Cutiemouse. I get this, I guess it's as individual preference dependent as D/s relationships themselves - I've just got to figure out my priorities and you've listed stuff I need to work out. I'm aware of various online haunts with like minded souls, but don't know any RL kinky hang outs near me. I guess it's a question of just researching and turning up. But it's a long way away I feel. Right now online is enough. For now. I totally get what you mean about training potentially being different between people, but I think there are some transferable skills/experiences, and it's helping me understand submission a little better in broad terms.

 

[desertslave]

I agree with CutieMouse (very typical, here, she's awesome!).

I would just add that if you wish to focus your dating pool, finding a BDSM group that hosts a munch in your area could be a good way to start. Munches are generally held in public places (coffee house, restaurant, etc), downplaying obvious kink, and a good way to get to know some of the local kink-folk. Fetlife (.com) has a large list of munches by area that you can search for.

 

[CutieMouse]

Thanks Cutiemouse. I get this, I guess it's as individual preference dependent as D/s relationships themselves - I've just got to figure out my priorities and you've listed stuff I need to work out. I'm aware of various online haunts with like minded souls, but don't know any RL kinky hang outs near me. I guess it's a question of just researching and turning up. But it's a long way away I feel. Right now online is enough. For now. I totally get what you mean about training potentially being different between people, but I think there are some transferable skills/experiences, and it's helping me understand submission a little better in broad terms.

For me, the biggest thing was to realize I got to make my own rules re: relationships.

Which means it's totally okay that I'm not impressed by the size of a dude's "toy bag" (actually, it means we probably wouldn't be a good fit), or that I expect to be treated as an equal (even though I'm submissive), or that I believe kinky fuckery and D/s are totally different things (I once really confused a lover because he thought I was "his submissive" and I thought I was just enjoying a bit of kinky fuckery).

Figure out what you want from a relationship, then look for someone who complements that view of things. After all, neither dominance nor submission exist in a vacuum.