Financial differences

[Fuckette]

Besides my business accounts, I do not keep any money separate.
He deals with the irs for me. He pays for all of the household bills from his income and everything else. I deposit my salary into his account. There was a period when he was laid off/strike and I was prepared to take care of the family.

 

[JMohegan]

This has probably been asked before, but I was wondering if anybody had any thoughts on how different income levels can effect a relationship? I do realize that there will be a very broad and complex range of individual situations on here, so there will be a number of perspectives, but I am curious as to how many people willingly surrender financial control within their relationship.

This issue rears its head from time to time in my situation - we are not in a M/s type relationship, and there is a significant difference in our income levels. Because I run a quite specialized business, I tend to bring a pretty reasonable income, while Mr A works locally for quite a lot less. Part of this is down to a lifestyle choice as he could earn a great deal more if he worked overseas. The money thing is not so important to me - I acknowledge that his support allows me to achieve more in my own business and I am grateful to him for that, but sometimes I know it gets to him.

We sometimes end up fighting over financial matters - or more correctly, my decision to spend money. It's not that I see it as 'my' money, but I do think that I because I work hard, I want to be able to enjoy the benefits. I am happy to spend money on him, but he is a very frugal creature. I guess the issue we have is that he feels like I am defying and ignoring him when I choose to go my own way here. It just seems like one of those constantly unresolved issues, you know?

I agree with Cattypuss. This is a question of values, and the degree to which you are/are not compatible on a host of ethical issues.

Personal prudence in financial planning. (How much should we be saving?) Responsibility to care for those less fortunate. (How much should we be donating, and to whom?) Responsibility for the planet. (Do we really need all this junk?) Concern for appearances. (Are we trying to keep up with the neighbors?)

Even if you were in an M/s relationship, and Mr. A ceded all authority for financial decision-making as well as all right to fight or complain about your choices, your decisions could very well cause problems if there is a significant disconnect in your values.

 

[JMohegan]

That's how me and K have always done it, and it works for me and him. We honestly consider it all 'our money' and I don't work. (Although we worked it out once and discovered we would LOSE money if I was working, what with day care and the extra gas and all that.)

You *do* work. You just don't get paid for it.

I know you know this, but it bears repeating.

We sometimes end up fighting over financial matters - or more correctly, my decision to spend money. It's not that I see it as 'my' money, but I do think that I because I work hard, I want to be able to enjoy the benefits.

Lots of people work hard, without being financially compensated for their efforts.

Keeping score with a paycheck is the American Way for many, though this perspective is problematic at best.

 

[LilTexanGal]

I'm in a new relationship and this is giving me quite a bit to think about and to ask questions about. Thanks for all your honest responses.

 

[BiBunny]

This is one of those times where I'm very glad my finances are kept separate from my partners'. Depending on how each week goes, I may make more or less than either or both of them. It's not really an issue to us, honestly.

 

[graceanne]

You *do* work. You just don't get paid for it.

I know you know this, but it bears repeating.

I do, and it does. Thanks.

 

[Netzach]

We are both unkilled at money management due to very different reasons and backgrounds. Our tendencies are different - he comes from a real-estate is king culture, I come from a "put a little something in the market" culture (both are apparently wrong LOL) We have no kids or intent to have any, so the need for a common budget is infinitely smaller than it would be otherwise.

For the first time in my adult life, consistently making what I call "bourgeois money" - at this point it's being used to carve back some of my own debt and get solvent and then survey the view from there. For the first time in our relationship I make as much as he does, and what may wind up being more. I have no issue with that. I would love to pull out in front enough that he can feather dust my place and wait for me to come fuck him as a profession, before we're both raisiny. Heh.

I've seen the bad bad juju that merging financial identities can cause firsthand in my family divorces, particularly for women. So - we have separate finances at this point and it reduces arguments greatly. I would always advocate for having something in reserve, in your name, for yourself no matter whether you're the woman or man, top or bottom - if you are the owner of a slave I'd be sure there were funds in his/her name. There are just so many ways someone can wind up fucked over.

 

[Keroin]

This is a great topic. I agree that it's more about ethics than amount when it comes to shared finances.

A piece of advice I received from a financial advisor dude who had a wife and two kids and is at a point, now, where they can travel the world for a few months every year, stress free:

If you are going to merge finances, then draw up a budget and stick to it! Within this budget, each spouse/partner/etc should have an amount of "free" money every month. This could be $100 or it could be $1000, whatever your budget allows. The key is that whatever the amount is, the person can use it however they want and the other partner can't say anything.

So, if I decide to blow my $200 of free money on Hello Kitty stickers, then so be it but $200 is all I get and I can't come crying for more when I want to go buy a new fishing rod or donate to the SPCA or something.

He says this system - if everyone sticks to it - works like a charm. I think it sounds awesome but I've never tried it.

I'm weird with money. A1 credit, all bills paid on time, savings in the bank, etc but I can still be pretty frivolous with it. I could never put my money in someone else's hands completely. Nope, won't ever happen.

 

[Homburg]

Our situation is weird financially and relationship-wise.

I have what amounts to my own business on commission and thus my income fluctuates wildly. I also have some side business that gets me extra money every month.

viv is largely a stay-at-home mom but does work a handful of hours at a local preschool.

MIS is employed full-time. She is salaried.

We have two joint accounts, with me on an account with each, and there are a couple of individual accounts floating around.

The money viv makes at her job is hers. I don't ask, I don't care. She spends it where and how she wants. Admittedly, it's not much money, but it is her money.

MIS puts about half of her earnings into the communal pool, and uses the rest for sundries and savings. She does what she wills with what goes into her account.

My earnings go into the communal pool entirely, though I do tend to just cash out my side business stuff to use as purely discretionary funds.

It may seem odd to some that, as the M in the M/s/s, I actually see the least of the money I make. *shrug* So far as I am concerned, I'm the "Man". Laughably old-fashioned as it may seem, I consider it my responsibility to support household and family.

And we all hold to an unspoken rule to not buy anything over about $50-75 without discussing it first. Yes, I hold to it too. I respect their opinion on these sorts of things, and want them involved in it. That is the best way I've found to help prevent frivolous over-spending, regardless of what the dynamic might be.

After all, our personal dynamic is important to us, but the cold, hard world outside doesn't care. It wants the bills paid on time.

 

[HottieMama]

It may seem odd to some that, as the M in the M/s/s, I actually see the least of the money I make. *shrug* So far as I am concerned, I'm the "Man". Laughably old-fashioned as it may seem, I consider it my responsibility to support household and family.

And we all hold to an unspoken rule to not buy anything over about $50-75 without discussing it first. Yes, I hold to it too. I respect their opinion on these sorts of things, and want them involved in it. That is the best way I've found to help prevent frivolous over-spending, regardless of what the dynamic might be.

After all, our personal dynamic is important to us, but the cold, hard world outside doesn't care. It wants the bills paid on time.

My HusDom is laughably old-fashioned as well, because this is primarily how our household functions. He considers it his responsibility to support the home and family and typically "has" less than I do. For example, I get "play money" and there are times that he does not. Nevermind the fact that he is taking on full support of two children from my previous relationship, as well as the child we have together. (Now he should support HIS child...I am not saying he shouldn't have to. What he doesn't have to do is voluntarily provide for my other two sons and cater to their wants as well as their needs.)

 

[graceanne]

It may seem odd to some that, as the M in the M/s/s, I actually see the least of the money I make. *shrug* So far as I am concerned, I'm the "Man". Laughably old-fashioned as it may seem, I consider it my responsibility to support household and family.

Makes sense to me. K bring home the money, I deposit it and pay bills. He jokes that makes the money and I spend it, but since I'm spending it on co-bills, it's just that - a joke. If he needs something (like new shoes or whatever) he lets me know and I find the money as soon as I can. If he wants some 'fun money' he knows that if it's there, he'll get it.